Knowledge

begins with the fear of the Lord.

(Proverbs 1:7)

This fear is generally understood as a reverence of God. An understanding that He is Lord of lords and the highest of kings. He is Alpha and Omega; He is beginning and the end. A surrender to His greatness. In other words, knowing that we are unworthy but redeemed by Him out of love. My friend asked me if it's possible to recognize his greatness without realizing we're shit.

We don't see our unworthiness then see the greatness of God. But we come to understand that God is TRULY GREAT; then we know how unworthy we are. How can we call ourselves great when we had a glimpse of what greatness truly is?

We can only learn if we truly humble ourselves to do so. The problem is not with us knowing too much but always the problem with us thinking we know more than enough. I struggle with complacency. It sets in when I lose the perception - "the fear of the Lord". I think too much of myself. I need to reexamine my yardstick, beginning at the fear of the Lord.

I am currently at the crossroad of deciding if I should go to graduate school. (Yes, I can hear Shannon's voice in my head saying "go to grad school" implying it in the tone that it should not be a question) I know I need that Masters or PhD eventually. To teach. I'd love to enter that challenge of graduate school. But I don't know if I am ready for grad school. I have been in school for the past 16 years. I really do see it as my comfort zone. I enjoy sitting in classes a lot. I enjoying being a knowledge consumer; but not sure if I'm cut out to be a producer.

But when I look at God's work in this world,

this idiotic crossroad seem so petty.

Truth is, I have always been scared of making decisions. I rather the choices be made for me. Then, I can rant about it all I want and not own up for obstacles that come my way.

Crossroads

A few days ago, I met a 15-year-old girl whom I've not seen for a year. The first few words that came out of me was, "You know, the later years will be easier. Now, it's bad. It's terrible. But later, it'll be better." There were no replies, just nods. So I nodded along, and said, "Yup, so you may go back to do your own things now."

I don't think I'm cut out to be a counselor.

When I was 15 or 14 or 16 or 17, I was constantly wondering what sort of person did God made me to be. There must be a purpose for my life, a purpose worth pouring my life into. I thought to myself, only a few more years away and I'll come to know the person I am and my purpose in life. I looked forward to getting older, and older and older.

I'm still looking forward to getting older.

I guess I finally come into terms that I will be constantly discovering who I am in god. This journey will be long and maybe hard but I'll never be alone.

I have been upset about not being where god want me to be. Not doing what I should. But my friend Sophie snapped me out of it. "What's all this 'should be' talk? Our god is immanent. He relates to you now, as who you are, not as how you were before, or his dreams for you to be his daughter that best represents him in your world. He wants you to know everyday of your life that you are not alone. He wants you to be happy, to thrive."

"Don't be too proud to allow our god to lavish his love over you."

Oh Lord, I pray for this reality to illuminate my spirit.

Late Night Babble

Dear me,

So.

I want to be honest.

I don't blog often because I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Between wanting to say much and struggling to keep my feelings secret. It takes me hours to write a post because I constantly backspace lines I've wrote or stare at the blinking insertion point, wondering what is going to come out at the other end.

Knowledge is power. And I have been keep knowledge about myself so well so far. It's my power. Power that I gain from knowing more about you but disclosing less of me. This power isn't real. In fact, I've kept my feelings so secret that I no longer know them anymore.

I read recently (probably from someone's facebook status) that the most difficult time in your time is not when you don't know the people around you but the time when you don't know who you are. And that's me. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I feel. I don't know the different personalities making up who I am. I don't like this self-absorbed person dwelling in her feelings looking for someone to empathize with her. I see other people lost in their self-centered world and I feel sick. I don't want to be that person. I am not her. I am the third-person. I want to be the third-person. I wish I could be separated from myself and tell me what to do and do it. I wish I recognize situations and circumstances like I do when I watch movies about other people. If only I could see my life so clearly, I'd know me better.

I haven't write things down for a long time because I don't want people finding out about me. I want to remain hidden. Unknown. Like a really difficult calculus question that wants you to find the value of "x". I am the "x". I want the equation to be so unsolvable that you will never find out what I am. I yearn to achieve that status. And I don't know why.

Maybe I am prideful. I don't think that anyone deserves the honesty I can give. I don't trust that anyone can be completely honest to anyone at all. But lately I realized that the world is in chaos because people don't reveal the truth to one another. Lies are built on other lies. Unknowns are built on other unknowns. Only the Truth has the power to break those bonds. I experienced the Truth recently through a friend. And this Truth is powerful. It makes the image I have built for myself seem phony and negligible. In comparison, it is negligible. But alone, my troubles seem larger than life. Once again, I escaped to the third-person. I wonder who is this sad person typing this post. This sad person who is searching so hard for someone to understand her yet pushing herself so hard to be unsolvable.

I think about this verse and my head hurts - "Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16

When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is you, GOD?

When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is me, GOD?

I write that you live in me, but I really just see you tagging along with me.

I don't know what else to say. But I hope I've been sufficiently honest.

Sincerely,

your neglected self.

Summer

This summer I want to focus on completing my thesis.

This summer I want to finish reading The City of God.

This summer I want to finish reading Catch 22.

This summer I want to finish reading The Black Swan.

This summer I want to learn 5 songs on the guitar.

This summer I still want to do my thesis!

This summer, I want to play computer games too!

This summer, I want to wash my mum's car and mop the floor too!

This summer, I want to do too many things.

This summer, I forgot to ask Jesus what he wants me to do.

This summer, I want to talk to people about Jesus.

This summer, I want to fall in love with Jesus all over again.