Sunday, December 30, 2007

Emo-ness Be Gone!

Thank you loyal readers who read Jess' life stories.

Emo Jess is mostly gone.
Only fragments and yucky juice left.

Happy Jess shall be reborn!

Just treat her to a nice meal in an Italian restaurant with about 100 frappuccinos and latte to wash it down.

Then after that, a lifetime membership with true fitness, celebrity fitness or Marie france body line.

Let's all review some incredible soul-healing techniques today.


3. Breakdance

Like I told you before, Jess enjoys breakdancing while home alone. And she try to do it too when she's upset about life. Breakdancing allow yourself to feel completely in control of your body.




And if you break an arm or two, the pain will DEFINITELY be enough to distract you from your miserable life.


2. LOUD MUSIC

Whoever told you to turn on a sad song while you're sad is trying to kill you.

Sorry Emo Jude Lau....

When you're sad, DO NOT listen to emo songs like How to Safe a Life or Cry by Mandy Moore. You will most likely continue crying and keep waiting for people to save your pathetic life.

Listen to - MY HUMPS from Black Eyed Peas



Not only shaking your lovely humps prevent you from being depressed, it's also therapeutic in the sense it can help your humps grow.

Disclaimer : Please don't text me and tell me how much it has shrunk.



1. Watch EMO drama series

Unlike listening to emo music, emo drama series can help you feel that the other person's life is much more pathetic compared to yours. This is very much due to the exaggeration like One Tree Hill where everybody in town has slept with everybody else.


Seriously I love the series especially cute husband Nathan but...........wtf???


All drama series are considered emo because someone tend to die in it or be terminally ill. This is especially true when it comes to your everyday Hong Kong canto-drama. There will always be this love triangle where the ending will either be


a. one of them give up, go melancong luar negara
b. one of them have cancer or leukemia and 'menyempurna' the both




Weird looking i-dunno-how-to-smile left guy :

Hey! Lift your fingers off my shoulders and give up and go melancong around the world!


Very funny looking mata sepet right guy :

Look at me! Where do I have the money? It would definitely easier if you got AIDS or something considering the fact your ENTIRE ARM is over my shoulders.



And that concludes another session of fantastic story-telling by Jess the Great.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I'd Be Damn

Yes.
If you are someone who doesn't favour vulgars,
forget about reading this bloody shitty post.


FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK


FUCK

Yes. Go ahead and judge me and say I'm not fucking holy.

GO RIGHT AHEAD!

I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A FUCK!

fuck this depressing life.
fuck this bloody world.
fuck all this you-have-to-be-happy-all-the-time crap.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HAPPY!

YOU CAN BE CONTENT BEING FUCKING PISSED!


Ken you're right.
We're all humans after all.
We're entitled to our mistakes.


FUCK THE PEOPLE WHO JUDGE.


Even more to the ones who judges silently, let it burns, gets it freakin' imprinted into their fucking hypocritical soul.

If you got something, spit the fuck out.

The shadows are coming up to the edge of my bed.
They are silently clawing closer and closer.
With their hollow blackness.
Deep dark emptiness.

They want me.
THEY WANT ME.

DECIDE.


If you strip it all down, within the cavity of our chest, only one thing exist.

Nothing but a vulnerable soul.


It's not as satisfying saying efff...
Or duck or fish.

Please spare the animals..

You gotta say it - FUCK!

And just freakin' fuck the rest.


You CAN have it all.
But it's WAY EASIER choosing not to.



Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Joy To The World!



MERRY MERRY Christmas !!!


I want to write you a long touching post.

A post about the celebration of our King.
A post about the joyous tingling sensation when we all wish each other -

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A post about the warmth of Christmas and the magical within.


Wanted to now.



Prague Christmas Market

Hehehe....thanks for reading my retarded post you sial people...

I had people sending me text saying

" I'm sial...."

It's as if they think it's a terminal disease which can't be cured.
Then come look to Jess the Great for treatment.

Muahahahahahahahahahaha


Imagine instead of the jolly ol' ho ho ho,

santa goes

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That would be so cool right?

Merry Christmas Jude Lau!

Actually I had this really cool idea to dress up as Santa and go around during Christmas!

Spread the joy of Christmas in a jolly red suit and do some good with the fat butt that has been hanging on me for the past year.

I wonder has anyone wanted to feel Santa's butt?
I mean.
Everybody wants his belly to jiggle like jelly but does anyone wanna see Santa butt jiggle?

Alright.
That's enough intellectual discussion for this time.
We all know you guys can't take so much in a day.


In the spirit of giving, we all hope to lift the spirits of another by a gentle act of kindness.

Pass the cheer to those who're celebrating without their family.
Pass the cheer to those who don't have warm clothes and nice gifts.
Pass the cheer, just pass the cheer no matter where you are, what you do.

Pay the toll for the car behind you.
Send a random message wishing someone Merry Christmas.
Hold the door a little longer.


Be thankful for all you're having today.
Smile with your eyes.
Randomly sing aloud any Christmas carols!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Happy Birthday Jess!

Jess I grant you one wish now!

Quick, quick blow the candles!

Hurray!

Omg.. Jess gone mental....

You know, I love celebrating my birthdays.
I celebrate it, then 10 days later I get to be another year older!

Yay!!!!!

Okays.
This post was meant to be another one of those sad, sappy, crappy thank you I love all my friends post.


BUT


LAZY LAR.....


BUT


I have to.....


So here goes,
I was happy awoken on the 19th of Dec to go for dim sum with my math tuition teacher, Mrs Gooi.

[note : Jess' birthday is on the 20th. Some 'friends' already wished me happy belated on the 15th, so weird right? Why lar I have such friends.......]

Then, as I dressed myself in the same black t-shirt I always wear because I love it, it makes me look slimmer, hide my belly, makes me look hotter, makes me look cooler, makes my boobs look bigger.
I stood in front of the mirror and rehearsed how-tough-the-math-paper-was-you-cannot-blame-me.

Then as I ran downstairs because I was excited, I rolled down the stairs.

Haha no lar just joking...

I came downstairs and couldn't find my car keys.

Long and boring story please scroll down now if you dont wanna read cuz I just need to explain why was I late not because I overslept like I always do....

So I found my car keys 30 mins later because my house is so big and I love to brag about it.

Hahahahaha this post is full of nonsense I don't know why are you still reading....

Anyway we ate dim sum like normal human beings. I like dim sum. It makes me feel chinese like I'm from China.

Then we were suppose to gather at Mrs Gooi's house afterwards. The dim sum man came and calculated our bill and God bless Mrs Gooi for paying our China meal. Then dim sum man yelled, " MPSJ LEI CHORR " ( MPSJ COME ALREADY)

So a whole bunch of cheapskate people who didn't pay that 50cents ran to their car.

My goodness I feel so retarded typing this nonsense post...

Then I wasn't familar with the place and needed someone to guide me to Mrs Gooi's house although I've drove there for one and a half years for tuition.

Me :
Carol, follow my car please....

Carol :
Cannot lar me and leyYeem need to go somewhere, we're not going to Mrs Gooi's house..

Me :
* Sial punya budak, what is more important than Mrs Gooi *


Mrs Gooi are u reading this? I love you most...hahahaha


Me : Shiny, can come with my car or not???

Shiny : Cannot lar I need to teman HSian first...

Me : * Sial punya perempuan, what is more important than me *

Me : But.... I don't know the way....

Tracey : You just go here and go there then reach already..

Me : Okay..... * Sial betul sial, peegi sini peegi sana saya pun tau *


In the car.
Turn here, turn there.


Me : hehehe..Cheh! Without them also I know the way!


Me : Wait. This doesn't look like the road to Mrs Gooi's house.


Me : DIE. Why got so many factories one????


Me : WHERE AM I WHERE AM I?????


Me : OH NO OH NO! * sialjalansialshinysialcarol*


In the end. I had to stop. Asked a stray cat for directions. I had no other choice because there was not even a bangladesh in sight.


In the end. I saw a billboard which says ' PENGGUNA BIJAK ' pointing towards the other direction. I drove towards there.


In the end. It was the wrong direction.


Anyway I reached nonetheless.

Saya benci semua sial!

And then all the sials came eventually with a cake and surprised me.

I'm touched.

But I have to practice my angry face and tell them I damn angry cuz' I'm too stupid and got lost.

But I'm too touched.

So I reserved the story and rant all about it in my blog.


SEE ANOT YOU SEMUA YANG SIAL!
YOU SEMUA NYARIS NYARIS KEHILANGAN ORANG TERSAYANG!


The End

Thank you

1. shiny object
2. trace the half brain (she straigthen her hair! no more frizzy!)
3. piece of wood
4. pig cousin carol ( it's in the genes. can't be straighten)
5. dhar dhar
6. Shen Shen
7. Kelian
8. Whit Ni
9. shit no more I don't have many friends...

*Makes up more names....*

Loi the forehead - Happy forehead growing!

Amelia always laughing -
Keep laughing like a crazy Malaysian!

MingSze the smiley - I miss you SOOOOOOOOOO much too!

CheeHee the dumb dumb -
You're gonna get 4As so forget bout me wishing you good luck.

ChiaWen the best PEKA partner -
I wouldn't have survived form6 without you!

ShookYee the super duper cute one - Happy being cute!

EMOLAU! -
I'll never forget the birthday song you sang me!

Beat that 3 wives!

YenNee dearest whom I love so much -
Go to sleep earlier and don't chat with bf but me!

Nicole the good one - Keep that great spirit!

Eric aka Hiro Nakamura!!!!
Omigosh I love and miss you so much!

YuLiang the very nice one! I love your smile!

Adrian the fatherly figure - Keep being handsome!

Ken + EuJoe who wished me Happy belated.........

XiaoPyng the gorgeous babe!

Shaun the Sunway kid whose birthday is 22nd - Happy Birthday!

JasEEMIN my dearly beloved whom disappeared from my life but coming back soon!

KarMern the Ketua Pengawas - Happy schooling without me!

Horny Meng - Thank you for always being there!

Ong Loong my dear friend - Smile lar!

Suki in winter wonderland - Please spend some money!

PeiChin is getting prettier - Happy growing prettier!

PeiTing is collecting more boyfriends - Happy boyfriend-ing!

Hui Theng long lost one - I will miss you!

BenjaminSim the clueless - TAKE ACTION!


Wow see I so creative can come up with so many names.


BUT


From the bottom of my heart,
THANK YOU.


Those who read every single word until the end -

You memang sial.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Since You Went Away

Since you went away,
my days became long and grey.
I couldn't eat nor sleep,
only looking forward til' the day we meet.

JessLoke is a poet wtf

But the truth is even my dear pet fish has only its skeleton left after you went away.
The plants wither and die.
The house collects dust to fill its emptiness.

The guess is pretty simple....

No one making me french fries anymore.
No one washing my car anymore.
No one greeting me at home anymore.

I couldn't eat well because my parents keep burning my meals.

Steam chicken becomes barbeque chicken.
Chicken porridge becomes charcoal porridge.
Soup becomes gravy.

I couldn't sleep well because no one sing to me.

My pet fish really only got skeleton left.... :(

My dad discovered it day before yesterday, in the midst of the murky disgusting algae-filled water.

My dad fed the bones left to the stray cats.

hahahaha... no lar...

It's not funny!
I'm sad.
I emo.

I'm sorry I forgot I have to take care of you fishy.
Hope you will still bless me in fish heaven.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

End of A Chapter - Thank You Seafield



My (long) years in SMK Seafield has came to an end.

*long emo boring post ahead*

*you've been warned*

Don't really know where to start actually, I never really see myself leaving Seafield, my comfort zone. I just knew I enjoyed staying there, and wanted to stay as long as possible.

I don't wanna grow up!
I don't wanna make new friends!
I don't wanna be in a new school!

I want Seafield!

I remember my earlier days in Seafield. Back in 2001, hahaha, wasn't that long ago lar...
Where I made fun of every single teacher who taught my class.
Where I watched Shiny cried cuz she got 98 not 100 for her math test.
Where I was the young immature kid who got surat amaran every month or so.

And I still am the young immature kid....

I remember you guys told me the second cubicle of the toilet is haunted cuz it locks by itself.
I remember I didn't wanted to be a prefect but Shiny made me.
I remember we call Pn F old newspaper just cuz she was old and made her cried.

Thank you for forcing me to be a prefect in form 1 just because I car-pool with you dumbo Shiny..


Fellow prefects if you're reading this I really appreciate all you guys' contribution throughout my service. The smallest things you do mean alot to me and changed me in many ways. If, (IF), anyone come by and say 'hey jess you've grown more mature!', it will be because of you guys.


For all the faith you have in me, for the friendships, for the support, even when I was a complete dufus, THANK YOU. I never really said it but I'm so proud of you guys, especially during moments in meeting where you guys semangat betul !!!


YuanShuang, JiaYi, LynnShane, MeganLim,

I'll never ever ever forget you guys. You guys taught me a spirit I never had. The determination and unyielding faith in no matter what you're doing. When there's a job in mind, I can't think of anybody who can do it better than you guys. If I had the chance, I would definitely sign up to be a scout!

MunLok, WaiLoong, ShangShi,

I love you 3 musketeers. Hardworking, religious, lame, you guys got it all! It's been a real blessing working with you guys. You guys taught me what dedication and commitment truly is. And beware of my black wira okay? I'll be going around hunting for some cars to dent!


Prefects of Seafield!
Keep going and keep learning.
Keep your ties up!

Never forget it's the experience and the person you are that matters in the end, not the 50cent certificate that says you were a prefect okay??

Pn Ung Lee Lan,

I know you don't like your full name but the temptation of making you pout is too hard to resist!

You taught me that life is not based on text books but real life experience. During times where I have been difficult you never fail to show unconditional support and much appreciated guidance. I learned more in the last 2 years than the combined 5 years in Seafield before. Whether it's a smile or smirk you are carrying you never fail to make others feel comfortable in your presence.

Rock on Pn Ung!



Sukhdave Singh, Horny Meng, Pei Ting, Pei Chin, Ong Loong,

Words can't describe how much I love you guys! You guys have always pulled me up whenever I was stuck in a ditch. And you guys damn kedekut lar, photocopy one extra also cannot, 6 person share one book damn fun is it??? But if it weren't for you guys JessLoke won't be getting As for her exams but merely passing. That's why after you guys left me in form6 my result became so horrible!

It's all your fault hmph.. *in denial*


ShenShen, KehLen,

I love you guys to pieces! If it weren't for you Shen, I would be still be dozing off in the physics lab right now. I remember how we keep ourselves awake by racing to count Pn J HUGE buttons on her funny looking dress. Keh Len, thanks for always being so righteous. You have taught me lots and we had TONS of fun defending ourselves against the violence of Shen, although I've already suffered so much damage beyond repair.

Shen I'm kidding!
Please don't hit me!



Sophie Lau,

Who can forget dearest Sophie Lau! You have always been there! Always! A true Seafield veteran with the Seafield-boleh spirit! Anyone will turn over a new leaf with you by their side. And it's because of you that I have faith, that I learn to walk with God. Sophie Lau you are one very special girl. I thank Lord to have met you in life because you're truly Godsend. You are a true inspiration for me and I'm sure for many more in Seafield.






Dearest Shiny, Trace Half Brain, Lyame the Wood, Melissa the fair one, Hsian the nice one, Smiley the happy one, Carol the Pig, Loi the forehead, Amelia the clueless, FoongPing the apple,

Most of you guys have known me since form1 in fact the piece of Wood and Shiny object has been my buddies since standard one. You guys have always been my best consultants and mentors throughout my years in Seafield. I can never say thank you enough for the annoyance and pranks you guys have layan-ed for 7 years.

Loi and Carol. hahahahahahahaha


I don't know what to say lar..
Why the hell am I so emo..



6A,

Thank you CheeHee for being the monitor who babysat all of us including Mr Kang. Yes you deserve more bonus points for your koku and I will help you fight for it okay? Thank you for catching that 50 cockroaches in the smelly back alley and still got scolded by Pn Daisy. Thank you for laughing at my perbalahan dunia which caused me to be depressed and suicidal thus study for STPM.


Pn D,

Thank you for teaching me Biology which I don't think I manage to learn. But you made very good effort already. You even yelled 'FIRE FIRE' to wake me up when I dozed off in class! How many teachers are willing to do that? I'm sorry for being the Alpha Female of the Fantastic Four who brought horrors to your classes. Sorry lah.... Please try not to remember us because you will only bring back painful memories, painful for you lah....








Mr K being his (bald) usual self


I'm too tired and lazy to type anything else lar...

Terima Kasih banyak banyak Seafield...

I promise I will donate alot of money once I earn my first million....

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

BRATs Year End 2007 - Across the Borders


This time around the BRATs camp meant something more to me than before.

It was more self-reflection.
It was more of becoming something bigger, rising up to the occasion.



It was more RAIN.

Raincoats became our best friend.
It rained every single day.
We looked like people from a cult as we went from town to town in colourful raincoats.

Put the emo-ness behind, Shyan Jin

But seriously,
I'm gonna carry this experience for a long time.




I sincerely thank each and every one of you guys who touched and molded me in any way.

It sounded way better in my head...


Yes Shiny, Trace, Lyame, PigCarol, Amelia, Smiley, FoongPing, and anybody in the following pics -



I was supposed to be in this :(



I don't like this botak man, Mr K, who called me the night before I left for camp and called me a dumb dumb for going for BRATs instead and missing an 800bucks dinner plus suite and many free meals he was paying for.

I was gonna be nice and said your hair grew a little!
But hmph!

I LOVE YOU GUYS FOR MAKING ME MISS THE GENTING TRIP!


And here's to Aileen & Sheena who was at KYC camp,


YOUR CAMP WAS REALLY AWESOME TOO!

Not to forget Hiro Nakamura,

who missed this camp because he thought he wasn't 'adventurous' enough.

I don't like you anymore!

Joshy I still love you...


Ken wanted John all to himself.


The hottest guy from camp who happens to own the hottest ass



Kelvin aka hottest ass guy painful expression on the face says

" DON'T PINCH MY ASS"




It was great meeting you Langkawi BRATs again.

I really miss the chemistry we shared and how we stormed Langkawi.


Ken & I - BBF - Best Bitches Forever!!!


The Ipoh and Kuching BRATs weren't as shy as they first seem!

Gua Gajah or Gua Musang?

We wanted Gua Gasang while I wanted Gua Harimau

And if you get the chance, talk to them, they are some of the most sharp-witted people I know.

I woke up this morning wanting to put on a raincoat and head out to the canteen for breakfast with you bitches...


I was protecting my giraffe from Sam's bosom with mine.




The 9 leeches was one of my memorable experience from the trip!

I name this leech Fatty Patty.
It had a good meal on my leg.

A particular one enjoyed a feast on my butt.



When the skies finally cleared up the second night, we got a chance to go for a night-drive around the oil palm estate.

It is one of the most beautiful, peaceful thing to experience.
When the truck is moving and everything's quiet,
you're surrounded by rows and rows of oil palm,
diamonds in the sky,
simply enveloped by the beauty of God creations,
you just can't help letting everything go and just live in that moment.

We saw a whole family of wild boars, a nightjar and also a household cat!

I even got a chance to hold a firefly we named buzz lightyear!

And guys....

I didn't see a gajah lar...

It was like a very un-funny joke..............


Getting down to work with Mr Mustafar who owns the fish farm


During the last prefect camp while swimming in that filthy pond with the cat-fish which we were suppose to catch, I screamed and scattered away when the cat-fish came near to me.

the cat-fish did the same...

This time, Jess is brave!

Jess caught them with her bare hands like a jungle woman!


They felt like jelly + butter.

But smells like fish.


I didn't get the chance to do that corn-planting task.
But I did watch!
It seem so very tiring and leech-infested.
I promise to think of you guys' hard work the next time I eat corn okie?




Group 1 got to interview old man in Kg Merapoh!

He gave us milo okay?!

He might not be the oldest in Merapoh but definitely the nicest!

Old man Zakaria..
We're very sorry we terrified you...





The joyful, humourous - Karr Wei, Phui Yee, Azman from Star

I visited Gua Musang!

You have always seen it in the Malaysia map but never been there!

I did!!!

Not exactly the gua itself but the town,

it's train station,

and it's KFC!




Group 3 in the Marilyn Monroe Restaurant, Kuala Lipis


This is what happens when u buy cetak rompak - Maria tryin to be Monroe



We were at Kuala Lipis!
The original name of the place was Kuala Nipis.

Mother & Son reunited with stranger high on drugs out of nowhere


The people there are really friendly and most of them speak perfect english.

And Maria, please note this -

Siti Nurhaliza is from Kuala Lipis not Raub!


Proclaiming our love for maggi



We made a local recipe! Bayam masak lemak!

Okay lar, other groups' one also edible okay?

Satisfied?

hehe


Kelvin looks hot no matter what expression he has


It's hard not to love John

It's also hard to not look weird with super high pants dragging a pet monkey either

This camp to meant to me much more beyond journalism.

People if you still have the chance, pick up a pen (or keyboard), JOIN BRATs.

Sorry you dumb form-sixers who missed the chance.

Pics courtesy of Sam, Yu Liang, Kavi, Shareen, Maria, Shiny, Sheena, STAR