Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Jess IS Hot!

It's January 29th people.
How have your new year resolutions been going?

I wanted to choose real easy ones this year you know, like give you enough confidence so you can do better next year.
Just like increasing your daily exercise except it's yearly.

My goal this year is to do a handstand!
And the really cool thing you know Bruce Lee can do when you fall on your back you can just twist your body and bounce back up like Jackie Chan!

Damn cool right?
You fall down as Bruce Lee and bounce back up as Jackie Chan!

Once upon a time I tried to do a handstand, that time I think I damn fat lar, cuz once I turn my body upside down, I totally crash face first to the floor because my puny arms can't support my mountainous, mammoth, monstrous butt.



Handstand stickman!



And at that time I was only 12 you know!
Imagine if size of butt proportional with age, how can I do a handstand now?

I remember my body sprawled lifeless across the cold, hard marble floor at home, thinking "Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, what more brain-damaged can you get?!"

My maid came, then said
"Jess! Apa lu buat! Saya baru cuci lantai! Jangan berdarah merata-rata!"


Ahahahahahahah.................
No wonder Jess is now like that hor?


Aiyoh not true lar...
Truth is I just lied there on the floor and eventually fell asleep.
Then my maid had to drag me back to my room.

Anyway you must be wondering what all this stupid stories has to do with the title "Jess IS hot!" right.

Valentines day is coming...

*HINT HINT HINT HINT*

Friday, January 25, 2008

Be Jess For A Day - It's Free

You must be wondering, what is this amazing, pretty, smart, adorable girl doing these days since she's not going to school.
Well, for one, Jess started to work no matter how she dislike office work and would much prefer to stay home and feed her growing ass.

It has learn how to growl.....

Wanna know what Jess company does???

Damn nice man I tell you!
It's only for the young, youthful and patriotic!
Seriously, so interesting and so damn fun til' you'll jump up from your chair and declare you wish you were Jess the great!

Fuiyoh. You must be thinking what job is this I also want right?!


JENG JENG JENG JENG


MY COMPANY.





SELLS.





CONVEYOR BELTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!



Wahhh what is that what is that???!
CAN EAT ONE AR?


LOOK!




See that thingy carrying all the arang!

THAT IS CONVEYOR BELT YOU KATAK DI BAWAH TEMPURUNG! SUCH A GREAT INVENTION OF OUR WORLD ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE GO JUMP DOWN FROM KL TOWER NOW!



Sigh.....
God... What did I do to deserve this?


If I was in a cantonese drama you will most probably be seeing me kneeling on road pavement, hands spread wide, hair like orang giler, facing the sky, yelling,

TIN AH! NEI CHO MEH COM YONG DUI NGO AHHH??!??!?


Jess' Day is something like this -

[7.00am]

Mummy : *knock knock* Time to wake up Jess.

Jess is awake.
But she decides to lie in bed and wait for time to pass.

[7.15am]

Jess washes up and gets ready.

[7.30am]

Jess eats breakfast.
Whatever's on the dining table is breakfast, that includes last night's dinner.

Auntie Indon....PLEASE COME BACK TO ME....... T T

[7.35am]

Jess is done.
But it's still early.
Work starts at 8.
Sits on couch and wait for time to pass again.

[7.54am]

Jess realized its late.
*curse curse curse*
Jess then jumps in car and wish it can fly.

[7.59am]

Jess parks her car then runs to the guard house to punch card.

[8.01am]

Jess only reaches the guard house now because her ass has grown.
Jess then have to comfort herself by saying that her watch is faster by 1minute.


After all that excitement, Jess day consist of reading about conveyor belts and doing work that will bore you to death if she gives you every little detail.

Jess then goes home. And sleep.

Jess wakes up for dinner.

Whatever's on the dining table now belongs to the dog.

Jess eats happily and have to exclaimed "Mmmm...Sedapnya!" and rubs her belly to show appreciation to mummy.

The one last thing that Jess looks forward to the entire day is next -



JENG JENG JENG JENG



Jess holds her breathe for 5 minutes to take out the sampah.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

It's a TAG!

Aiyah....
Lazy Jess owe you guys many things...

But she has to do the tag from dear EeMin first or she's gonna pout in every single message she leaves in Jess' TagBox.

Also the picture of hot Ken. *wolf whistle*

I wish I can wolf whistle...



Ken is my best bitch





Ken's hot pose




And Nicole,
tsk tsk tsk....

Stop bragging to the whole world your good!


We all know you wanted to pinch Kevin's ass that night!


Tag time.

Random names 10 person.

1. Jo

2. Ben

3. Shiny

4. Ken

5. Trace

6. MingSze

7. Melissa

8. Hsin Sian

9. Maria Shamini (not sharapova or carey lar maria you MIA byatch)

10. Babi Carol

11. Amelia

It's totally random lar...
Please don't cry just because Jess the Great can't fit you in the list.


1) How long have you known number 4?
Only like FOR-E-VERRRRRR

I love you betch...
Congratulations to Ken on becoming the Editor in Chief for his school mag

2) Is number 1 your best friend?
Err.... You mean Jo?

No. (Secretly nods like crazy)

3) Do you have a crush on number 6?
Wong Ming Sze aka Smiley.

OH.MY.GOD. How did you know?????

4) Would you date number 7?

DOUBLETRIPLEQUADTRIPLE OH.MY.GOD.
*X-files tune*

Answer to the question - The truth is out there.

Jess can you stop being so lame...

5) How bout number 5?
Trace.
Erm. Never.
But I know it would make all of you guys so happy if I dated her.

6) If you could pick one nickname for number 8 what would it be and why?
Hsin Sian.
I thought she has already got a nickname wert.
It's Ye Ren (Wild People)
Hsian is a very straight-forward kinda person but also an amazing friend.

She's also looking for a boyfriend.
Please mail your profile to my email if you're interested.
She is 20. Long silky hair. Average height. Great butt muscles.
Plays badminton.
And wishes to have shuttlecocks as babies.

7) Name one inside joke you have with number 10/if you don't have any for some reason, name a memory you have with number 10?
Pig cousin Carol?
Only after 2o years of living, we found out that we're cousins AND

we're all pigs!

Aahahahahahahahaha

Now if you're not laughing, then it's an "inside" joke.
Satisfied?

8) Have you ever been on a trip with number 4?
Ken Darling?
Oh. We met on our romantic honeymoon in Langkawi.
The moment we set our eyes on each other,
we knew we were gonna become BEST BETCHES.

9) Have you ever had a sleepover with number 5?
No. But Shiny has.
*pout from extreme jeolousy*

10) Do you think number 9 is hot or not?
Maria.

I don't but she does.

11) Have you ever met number 3's parents?
Shiny.
Since I was 7.

12) Have you ever hugged number 8?
Hsin Sian.
Maybe?

13) Do you miss number 7 right now?
Melissa.
Aiyah.
I can't hurt her feelings by saying no.
SO,
yes lorrrr.....

Crap lar. This post so boring my eyes are popping out and back in.

14) If you could say any one thing to number 9 without any consequences, what would it be?
Maria?
What WOULDN'T I say to MARIA DA PARIAH????

15) Would you ever makeout with number 6?
MingSze.
Only if she can survive all my other lovers beatings.
*wink wink*

Ahhhh........... Somebody kill Jess..........

16) How about number 10?
Babi Cousin Carol?!??!
My OWN COUSIN??
INCEST?

CHUCK BASS?

I LOVE CHUCK BASS OKAY HE'S DAMN HOT.
HOTTEST GAY BITCH EVER!


Ed Westwick




*faints*




17) Do you have any pictures of number 1?
Joanne Loke the insane sister who claim she was a witch once and changed her own blog link as you can see.
What do you think lar.

18) Do you have a crush on anyone on this list?
Had a crush on everybody in this list lar.
Stupid question.

19) Do you miss anyone on this list?
I miss everybody because I'm Emo Jess.

20) Have you ever hugged anyone on this list?
I won't let them hug me cuz I don't want them to fall in love with me.

Love, love Jess!
She completed the post!
Weeeeeee.......

And if you have notice, I had number 11 - Amelia Chan!
One of my most loyal reader who never did bother to leave me a message.

I will create the questions for her.

1. Is she crazy?
Yes.

2. Is she half-brained?
No. That's Trace.

3. Is she charming, lovely, pretty, softspoken, clueless?
Yes.

4. Is she looking for a boyfriend?
No.
But Hsian is.


Until next time!
Farewell Jess Lovers!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

BenBen's Birthday

Hello dumboy if you bother to read my blog.

Ben is my younger brother whom I mention relatively less than Jo. But I love Ben more than Jo because Jo always bully Ben and Ben always cry.

And I love crying people.

I don't even know where to start on how we bully Ben. From how we made him wear dresses and make-up to how we made him jump down from the bedside table and got a permanent scar on his ass.

And we would always make him pose his gay face.
Ben can do all kinds of weird expression that will make you love him no matter how annoying he can be.

Ben's gay face



This is Ben's usual gay look.
He can also do very funny expressions for Missy Higgins song - Scar.


Me, Jo & Ben playing poker together -

Ben : You know my friend, a girl, got bit of moustache.

Jo : Like you, got bit of boobs.


So now dumboy is away studying in some dumbo boarding school in Singapore.

Sigh....

Huh? I mean YAY!

And thanks to the wonders of technology and dumb Jo reminder, I messaged him at approximately 1am, 18th January, wishing him Happy Birthday.


Me :
Hey dumboy! Happy 14th birthday! May you fai kou jiong dai, sang sang seng seng. Give you lots of presents when you get back. Love you lots, Jess.


Weirdly, my phone rang 30 seconds later.


Ben:
Dumbo why you so late not sleeping__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________

Cis dumboy ini didn't say thank you and love you too some more call me dumbo...


Me:
I no school you got school. Why aren't YOU sleeping.and what's that stupid bus taxi thingy?


Ben:
Cannot celebrate birthday meh?__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________


Me (the kiam siap queen) is thinking what the heck, every message is 20cents okay. Cis cis cis.


Me:
Eh, all your messages so short also cost 20cents dollar means 40cents ringgit, you not heartache one ar?


Ben replied -

Photobucket

In case you can't read thanks to the (not so wonder of) yucky camera phone, it says -

AHHHHHHH
heartache. ._.

Oh ya. This stupid sign is still there
__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________


So being the nice sister I am, I didn't throw the phone out of the window and throw a fit waking mummy for snarky Ben. I still love my little idiotic Ben and was as nice as possible.


Me :
You stupiak punya boy. So you happy anot in Singapore?


Ben :
Why not happy? I so happy :) see I got smiley you don have. You not happy.

__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________


Me :
*throws phone out the window and vow to never message Ben again*


After about 3ringgit and 3 sing dollars of stupid messages like these, he finally said,


"Okay larh I go sleep.keep all the gossip girl episode. Yay Jess! Goodnight."

__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________



I take the " Yay Jess! " as a love you too.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Jess Wants Money

Lots of it.
Not monopoly money please.

Anyways this is a (yet another) very stupid crappy post all in the name of money.

Jess is selling STPM books - BioChem stream
includes -

i) Bio notes from St Michael Ipoh
(3rd/4th hand)(rare collection u know)

ii) Bio notes from SMK Abdul Samad Pn something very good one lar

iii) Bio text - pelangi
(filled with post it notes from 4As STPM student)(not me)

iv) Chem text - Tan Yin Toon

v) Chem text - Longman
(touched more than 10 times less than 20)

vi) PA text - red colour one dunno what lar
(BRAND NEW)

vii) PA text - blue colour
(never touch before also)

viii) Some A-level biochem books
(LONG LONG TIME AGO)

iv) Dan sebagainya

Price range around 150.
Definitely negotiable.
All my tuition notes I can give for free lar, that is if you buy my books cuz' it's collecting dust in my room and I'm unhealthy enough as it is.

Tuition Jess goes to -

Bio - Kasturi USJ - Mr Lingam
Chem - USJ - Teacher from St John
PA - Yakin, Petaling Street KL/New branch in Puchong - Mr Goh
Math T - USJ - Teacher from SMK Abdul Samad

And because I'm looking for extra income -
(A poor STPM student saving up for her Tertiary education)
I'm willing to babysit/tutor children in primary/secondary school in the Kota Kemuning or Subang USJ area.

My cousin pig carol or more fondly known as babi carol is also giving private bio tuition.
Somehow the term "Private Bio Tuition" sounds so naughty.

hehehe

Spread the news and pay Jess well if you want her to get a good Tertiary education so she can earn more money later in life.

If you need babi carol's contact you can (pretend to) ask me or you can cut the nonsense and just click on her blog link and ask me out on a date.

Please email Jessica_2020@hotmail.com

Don't send me forward mails which opens and says

" I'm sorry but YOU ARE CURSED!"

Alah... Why me of all the 6 billion people in the world..

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jess & Jo & Rich People

There would always be a point of your life when you vow to become rich and successful and own so much money that the bank you deposited your money would literally overflow and burst into pieces of gold because of your deposit and growing interest.

What the heck are you talking bout lar Jess.....

When Jess was 10 years old, yes, when I looked all mean and Cina-ish, she wanted to have a gigantic mansion on top of her man-made hill overlooking luscious greens and Oprah Winfrey's house.


2am somewhere 1998

Me : I'm going to have a restaurants in my house as well.

Jo : But it's so big! How about Mummy & Pappy?

Me : Of course they want to stay with me in my big mansion.

Jo : But they so old already. Can't walk too much like popo.

Me : I'll get them wheelchairs to move around the house.


What a filial daughter I was, and still am.


So my story today is somewhat boring but you are welcome to finish reading and worship Jess for her greatness and lame jokes being the loyal reader you are.

Muahahahahahahaha........


So Saturday night, I had to attend this event with my mum being the filial daughter I AM. It's some gathering for the housing area I live in which are filled with filthy rich people (me not included) who stays in houses-so-big-with-family-so-small-and-cars-more-than-people-with-number-plates-8888.

Thank goodness Jo is back from Malacca so we could go together and scrutinize all the rich people, stuff our face with food then walk back home.

Preparing to go -

Me: Crap. I hate these things.

Jo: Mummy ask to wear something colourful like rainbow-ish.

Me: I'm just gonna wear white t-shirt and jeans okay.

Jo: But mummy say wear colourful!

Me: White IS a combination of ALL colours.

While walking there -

*3 boys walking back to their house*

Jo: Siapa tu?
*apparently Jo became Indon-ish since studying in Malacca*

Me: Should be the Korean boys.

Jo: HEY YOU! Why go home so fast?!

*takes GIGANTIC steps away from Jo*

Then we were at the thing, had to greet all my mum's friends. SO typical.

Auntie A :
Wah... I nearly cannot recognise you, so pretty already!

Auntie B :
So pretty your daughter, got boyfriend already?

Auntie C :
Eh come come meet my son, young people should mingle together!


*wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtf going through my mind*


Next, there was this LONG line at the buffet counter.

Me: OMG. Look who's in front of us!

Jo:
OMGOMG. It's the Korean boys.
HEY YOU! You went home to use the toilet and came back out to grab more food is it?!

*uses both hands to hide my face*

Half-way eating -

Mum: Hey you two, I'm signing you both up for the treasure hunt.

Me: *WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF*


So there I was, on a Saturday night, with Jo and 2 neighbor kids, being 20 years old, treasure hunting in the dark with 12 year olds, did I mention a Saturday night? Running aimlessly, looking for a clue that says look for a tall guy with specs and say peech.


Jess' life didn't have the ability to get anymore interesting....


And for the record, I didn't win.


THE END

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Jess' Hair Evolution

Once upon a time, Jess looked like this -

Jess at 10



I look so mean and evil and Cina-ish.
Why my siblings look so cute and cuddly.

Why lar....

And then another 8 years later I grew out of my Cina look.


goody goody Jess


Soft and silky hair.
Makes me look so good.

And then came year 2007 where I vow not to cut my hair for a year!

Jess you damn cheapskate man....

And so my hair grew...



annoyed


My hair look like the dayang dayang that serve rich people in the olden days in those cantonese drama.



Jess with spots

This was still the not too long, not too short period where it still looked presentable.

And I was going to strangle and pound Jo with my mighty fist for taking this pic with a mosquitoe bite on my face.

And came June -



OI!


Where I didn't have my lovely fringe anymore and it became a whole chunk of hair to be combed back like those nanny in the 70s.

And I had to wear a hairband in school.....



Jess with stick


A miner from Bangladesh who freed herself with this stick after being trapped in the mine for 50hours.

All hail the stick......

Then came September where my hair didn't look presentable anymore.



Ini bukan Jess ya...


There's hair poking out at weird places.

And stop asking why is my eye one big one small lar..

I'm born like that.
People say right, people with different sizes of eyes are very smart.

The sadest thing in the world is, this picture is widely distributed printed in my school magazine.

Shiny the pig never give my face and say my hair is like a piece of cloth stuck to my head.

So I broke my vow and cut my hair in December.

And I know you guys are dying to see my hot hair.
So I took many, many pictures with various themes.


Photobucket

*deep in thoughts* How to stop global warming?

Photobucket

Bah... Stop pretending lar...

You were only thinking of how can your boobs grow bigger.

Photobucket

Oh no! I have a double chin!



Photobucket

Single & Desperate Ad. Call 1800-iamdesperatetoo

Photobucket

This is bored. I'm actually in my pajamas.

Photobucket

I'm Amber Chia's cousin. Amber Loke.


Photobucket

This is my i'm-too-pretty-i-dont-need-to-smile-face


Photobucket

OPRAH SHAVED HER HEAD?


Photobucket

I'm the old witch from Snow White.

Photobucket

Ken style of "talk to the hand!"



I really need to get a job and get a life.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Pictures of The Year!

Jess has a fetish for funny looking pictures.
So without furthur ado, these are the pics she collected in the past year.

Credits goes to the people who post 9999999 pics on their friendster and blogs.

Oh ya!
The period thing was a JOKE!
Cis.
Apparently it's so unfunny that all of you guys thought I was serious.

Pictures!

KEITH TAY CHIET CHUN I'M GONNA MURDER U

KEITH TAY. I DEMAND TO KNOW WHEN THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN.



Keith Tay Doing Drag

Keith says ' I'm hotter than your mama! '



Nurturing His Assets

Afiq says ' I got this from MY mama. '



Kenneth's Assets

Picture tells ALL



School Fire

School says ' Nobody can be hotter than me now.'



The Teachers Got A 'Visitor' Jungle Treking

Pn L & Pn U terrified while jungle treking in the night



Shiny Being Stupid

Shiny achieving spider woman status



Shiny Being Stamp-ish

Next Top Model


Mel Defending Her Race

Mel being defensive of racial issues



Definitely Syok Sendiri

"We pledge to score 4.0 for our cGPA"



Shiny Having Her Cake

Shiny loves cake.....


Me Being Cake-dophile

OMG. So do I!
Me being Cake-dophile



Evil Jess

I was obviously annoyed having my photo taken.
tsk tsk tsk.... Paparazzi.....


And now pictures from BRATs which I didn't post the last time.
I love sleeping people.
[Note : Melissa was the one who took all the sleeping pics.]



The Yellow WOman

This is the monsoon collection.



Diyana Horrified Too...

Dyana's VS The Mighty Keledek!



Sam Terrified With Kitchen Work

Sammy VS The Hardcore Mango!



Sam Sleeping

Sammy won eventually. But passed out from exhaustion.



I Got Big Boobs In This Pic

Me with my angelina jolie lips.



Divorced Couple

The couple filing for divorce
- Sylvia & Sri -



Oh...When is Prince Charming coming??

Lind awaiting prince charming's kiss.
AND THE WINNER GOES TO......
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Dead To The World

"Dead to the world" by Melissa Kong
Nicole was already knocked out while we were doing our assignments in the train.


Last but not least -



The Super Duper Funny Pic Only Some Will Understand

" Tug of War between Hairband & Zipper " by Maria Shamini


Only some of you guys will understand this priceless shot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thinking bout it now still gets me in stitches...



Now picture of Form-sixers.
What do we REALLY do in school?
My gosh..this post is so long already...
Go nap first before finish reading the rest.

Pn D's Fantastic Lectures

Meet Pn D whom I always talk about.
She will totally slay us if she knew of this picture.
[note: teacher, its not me I promise...]



Pn L Teaching Very Patiently

This is Pn L our chemistry teacher.
She is passionate about chemistry.
Really.



Photobucket

The lovely & petite Pn C.
One of the best teachers I had.


Do we really study you ask?
Yes.
In between pictures.



Photobucket

Loi the forehead said it's obvious she was meditating for greater causes.



Photobucket

At least some of us actually study for the greater good instead.



Photobucket

Shiny wakes me up while Trace does important business on phone and dumb pig carol takes picture of everything that's going on.



My Dancing Hand

Isn't my hand just adorable?
it has a uni-brow...



Betty & Her Friend

Each cost RM10.
I'm gonna sell rats for a living.


Beautiful Betty

Betty is exposed!
And we actually have to dissect 2 each.
A total of 47 x 2 = 94 rats
hehe I AM a math genius...
940 BUCKS!!!
I'm gonna start my rat business pronto.


BYE!