Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How have your new year resolutions been going?
I wanted to choose real easy ones this year you know, like give you enough confidence so you can do better next year.
Just like increasing your daily exercise except it's yearly.
My goal this year is to do a handstand!
And the really cool thing you know Bruce Lee can do when you fall on your back you can just twist your body and bounce back up like Jackie Chan!
Damn cool right?
You fall down as Bruce Lee and bounce back up as Jackie Chan!
Once upon a time I tried to do a handstand, that time I think I damn fat lar, cuz once I turn my body upside down, I totally crash face first to the floor because my puny arms can't support my mountainous, mammoth, monstrous butt.
And at that time I was only 12 you know!
Imagine if size of butt proportional with age, how can I do a handstand now?
I remember my body sprawled lifeless across the cold, hard marble floor at home, thinking "Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, what more brain-damaged can you get?!"
My maid came, then said
"Jess! Apa lu buat! Saya baru cuci lantai! Jangan berdarah merata-rata!"
No wonder Jess is now like that hor?
Aiyoh not true lar...
Truth is I just lied there on the floor and eventually fell asleep.
Then my maid had to drag me back to my room.
Anyway you must be wondering what all this stupid stories has to do with the title "Jess IS hot!" right.
Valentines day is coming...
*HINT HINT HINT HINT*
Friday, January 25, 2008
Well, for one, Jess started to work no matter how she dislike office work and would much prefer to stay home and feed her growing ass.
It has learn how to growl.....
Wanna know what Jess company does???
Damn nice man I tell you!
It's only for the young, youthful and patriotic!
Seriously, so interesting and so damn fun til' you'll jump up from your chair and declare you wish you were Jess the great!
Fuiyoh. You must be thinking what job is this I also want right?!
JENG JENG JENG JENG
CONVEYOR BELTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wahhh what is that what is that???!
CAN EAT ONE AR?
See that thingy carrying all the arang!
THAT IS CONVEYOR BELT YOU KATAK DI BAWAH TEMPURUNG! SUCH A GREAT INVENTION OF OUR WORLD ALSO YOU DON'T KNOW YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE GO JUMP DOWN FROM KL TOWER NOW!
God... What did I do to deserve this?
If I was in a cantonese drama you will most probably be seeing me kneeling on road pavement, hands spread wide, hair like orang giler, facing the sky, yelling,
TIN AH! NEI CHO MEH COM YONG DUI NGO AHHH??!??!?
Jess' Day is something like this -
Mummy : *knock knock* Time to wake up Jess.
Jess is awake.
But she decides to lie in bed and wait for time to pass.
Jess washes up and gets ready.
Jess eats breakfast.
Whatever's on the dining table is breakfast, that includes last night's dinner.
Auntie Indon....PLEASE COME BACK TO ME....... T T
Jess is done.
But it's still early.
Work starts at 8.
Sits on couch and wait for time to pass again.
Jess realized its late.
*curse curse curse*
Jess then jumps in car and wish it can fly.
Jess parks her car then runs to the guard house to punch card.
Jess only reaches the guard house now because her ass has grown.
Jess then have to comfort herself by saying that her watch is faster by 1minute.
After all that excitement, Jess day consist of reading about conveyor belts and doing work that will bore you to death if she gives you every little detail.
Jess then goes home. And sleep.
Jess wakes up for dinner.
Whatever's on the dining table now belongs to the dog.
Jess eats happily and have to exclaimed "Mmmm...Sedapnya!" and rubs her belly to show appreciation to mummy.
The one last thing that Jess looks forward to the entire day is next -
JENG JENG JENG JENG
Jess holds her breathe for 5 minutes to take out the sampah.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Lazy Jess owe you guys many things...
But she has to do the tag from dear EeMin first or she's gonna pout in every single message she leaves in Jess' TagBox.
Also the picture of hot Ken. *wolf whistle*
I wish I can wolf whistle...
tsk tsk tsk....
Stop bragging to the whole world your good!
We all know you wanted to pinch Kevin's ass that night!
Random names 10 person.
8. Hsin Sian
9. Maria Shamini (not sharapova or carey lar maria you MIA byatch)
10. Babi Carol
It's totally random lar...
Please don't cry just because Jess the Great can't fit you in the list.
1) How long have you known number 4?
Only like FOR-E-VERRRRRR
I love you betch...
Congratulations to Ken on becoming the Editor in Chief for his school mag
2) Is number 1 your best friend?
Err.... You mean Jo?
No. (Secretly nods like crazy)
3) Do you have a crush on number 6?
Wong Ming Sze aka Smiley.
OH.MY.GOD. How did you know?????
4) Would you date number 7?
Answer to the question - The truth is out there.
Jess can you stop being so lame...
5) How bout number 5?
But I know it would make all of you guys so happy if I dated her.
6) If you could pick one nickname for number 8 what would it be and why?
I thought she has already got a nickname wert.
It's Ye Ren (Wild People)
Hsian is a very straight-forward kinda person but also an amazing friend.
She's also looking for a boyfriend.
Please mail your profile to my email if you're interested.
She is 20. Long silky hair. Average height. Great butt muscles.
And wishes to have shuttlecocks as babies.
7) Name one inside joke you have with number 10/if you don't have any for some reason, name a memory you have with number 10?
Pig cousin Carol?
Only after 2o years of living, we found out that we're cousins AND
we're all pigs!
Now if you're not laughing, then it's an "inside" joke.
8) Have you ever been on a trip with number 4?
Oh. We met on our romantic honeymoon in Langkawi.
The moment we set our eyes on each other,
we knew we were gonna become BEST BETCHES.
9) Have you ever had a sleepover with number 5?
No. But Shiny has.
*pout from extreme jeolousy*
10) Do you think number 9 is hot or not?
I don't but she does.
11) Have you ever met number 3's parents?
Since I was 7.
12) Have you ever hugged number 8?
13) Do you miss number 7 right now?
I can't hurt her feelings by saying no.
Crap lar. This post so boring my eyes are popping out and back in.
14) If you could say any one thing to number 9 without any consequences, what would it be?
What WOULDN'T I say to MARIA DA PARIAH????
15) Would you ever makeout with number 6?
Only if she can survive all my other lovers beatings.
Ahhhh........... Somebody kill Jess..........
16) How about number 10?
Babi Cousin Carol?!??!
My OWN COUSIN??
I LOVE CHUCK BASS OKAY HE'S DAMN HOT.
HOTTEST GAY BITCH EVER!
17) Do you have any pictures of number 1?
Joanne Loke the insane sister who claim she was a witch once and changed her own blog link as you can see.
What do you think lar.
18) Do you have a crush on anyone on this list?
Had a crush on everybody in this list lar.
19) Do you miss anyone on this list?
I miss everybody because I'm Emo Jess.
20) Have you ever hugged anyone on this list?
I won't let them hug me cuz I don't want them to fall in love with me.
Love, love Jess!
She completed the post!
And if you have notice, I had number 11 - Amelia Chan!
One of my most loyal reader who never did bother to leave me a message.
I will create the questions for her.
1. Is she crazy?
2. Is she half-brained?
No. That's Trace.
3. Is she charming, lovely, pretty, softspoken, clueless?
4. Is she looking for a boyfriend?
But Hsian is.
Until next time!
Farewell Jess Lovers!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Ben is my younger brother whom I mention relatively less than Jo. But I love Ben more than Jo because Jo always bully Ben and Ben always cry.
And I love crying people.
I don't even know where to start on how we bully Ben. From how we made him wear dresses and make-up to how we made him jump down from the bedside table and got a permanent scar on his ass.
And we would always make him pose his gay face.
Ben can do all kinds of weird expression that will make you love him no matter how annoying he can be.
This is Ben's usual gay look.
He can also do very funny expressions for Missy Higgins song - Scar.
Me, Jo & Ben playing poker together -
Ben : You know my friend, a girl, got bit of moustache.
Jo : Like you, got bit of boobs.
So now dumboy is away studying in some dumbo boarding school in Singapore.
Huh? I mean YAY!
And thanks to the wonders of technology and dumb Jo reminder, I messaged him at approximately 1am, 18th January, wishing him Happy Birthday.
Hey dumboy! Happy 14th birthday! May you fai kou jiong dai, sang sang seng seng. Give you lots of presents when you get back. Love you lots, Jess.
Weirdly, my phone rang 30 seconds later.
Dumbo why you so late not sleeping__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________
Cis dumboy ini didn't say thank you and love you too some more call me dumbo...
I no school you got school. Why aren't YOU sleeping.and what's that stupid bus taxi thingy?
Cannot celebrate birthday meh?__________~¤*the bus vs the taxi*¤~__________
Me (the kiam siap queen) is thinking what the heck, every message is 20cents okay. Cis cis cis.
Eh, all your messages so short also cost 20cents dollar means 40cents ringgit, you not heartache one ar?
Ben replied -
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Not monopoly money please.
Anyways this is a (yet another) very stupid crappy post all in the name of money.
Jess is selling STPM books - BioChem stream
i) Bio notes from St Michael Ipoh
(3rd/4th hand)(rare collection u know)
ii) Bio notes from SMK Abdul Samad Pn something very good one lar
iii) Bio text - pelangi
(filled with post it notes from 4As STPM student)(not me)
iv) Chem text - Tan Yin Toon
v) Chem text - Longman
(touched more than 10 times less than 20)
vi) PA text - red colour one dunno what lar
vii) PA text - blue colour
(never touch before also)
viii) Some A-level biochem books
(LONG LONG TIME AGO)
iv) Dan sebagainya
Price range around 150.
All my tuition notes I can give for free lar, that is if you buy my books cuz' it's collecting dust in my room and I'm unhealthy enough as it is.
Tuition Jess goes to -
Bio - Kasturi USJ - Mr Lingam
Chem - USJ - Teacher from St John
PA - Yakin, Petaling Street KL/New branch in Puchong - Mr Goh
Math T - USJ - Teacher from SMK Abdul Samad
And because I'm looking for extra income -
(A poor STPM student saving up for her Tertiary education)
I'm willing to babysit/tutor children in primary/secondary school in the Kota Kemuning or Subang USJ area.
My cousin pig carol or more fondly known as babi carol is also giving private bio tuition.
Somehow the term "Private Bio Tuition" sounds so naughty.
Spread the news and pay Jess well if you want her to get a good Tertiary education so she can earn more money later in life.
If you need babi carol's contact you can (pretend to) ask me or you can cut the nonsense and just click on her blog link and ask me out on a date.
Please email Jessica_2020@hotmail.com
Don't send me forward mails which opens and says
" I'm sorry but YOU ARE CURSED!"
Alah... Why me of all the 6 billion people in the world..
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
What the heck are you talking bout lar Jess.....
When Jess was 10 years old, yes, when I looked all mean and Cina-ish, she wanted to have a gigantic mansion on top of her man-made hill overlooking luscious greens and Oprah Winfrey's house.
2am somewhere 1998
Me : I'm going to have a restaurants in my house as well.
Jo : But it's so big! How about Mummy & Pappy?
Me : Of course they want to stay with me in my big mansion.
Jo : But they so old already. Can't walk too much like popo.
Me : I'll get them wheelchairs to move around the house.
What a filial daughter I was, and still am.
So my story today is somewhat boring but you are welcome to finish reading and worship Jess for her greatness and lame jokes being the loyal reader you are.
So Saturday night, I had to attend this event with my mum being the filial daughter I AM. It's some gathering for the housing area I live in which are filled with filthy rich people (me not included) who stays in houses-so-big-with-family-so-small-and-cars-more-than-people-with-number-plates-8888.
Thank goodness Jo is back from Malacca so we could go together and scrutinize all the rich people, stuff our face with food then walk back home.
Preparing to go -
Me: Crap. I hate these things.
Jo: Mummy ask to wear something colourful like rainbow-ish.
Me: I'm just gonna wear white t-shirt and jeans okay.
Jo: But mummy say wear colourful!
Me: White IS a combination of ALL colours.
While walking there -
*3 boys walking back to their house*
Jo: Siapa tu?
*apparently Jo became Indon-ish since studying in Malacca*
Me: Should be the Korean boys.
Jo: HEY YOU! Why go home so fast?!
*takes GIGANTIC steps away from Jo*
Then we were at the thing, had to greet all my mum's friends. SO typical.
Auntie A :
Wah... I nearly cannot recognise you, so pretty already!
Auntie B :
So pretty your daughter, got boyfriend already?
Auntie C :
Eh come come meet my son, young people should mingle together!
*wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtf going through my mind*
Next, there was this LONG line at the buffet counter.
Me: OMG. Look who's in front of us!
OMGOMG. It's the Korean boys.
HEY YOU! You went home to use the toilet and came back out to grab more food is it?!
*uses both hands to hide my face*
Half-way eating -
Mum: Hey you two, I'm signing you both up for the treasure hunt.
So there I was, on a Saturday night, with Jo and 2 neighbor kids, being 20 years old, treasure hunting in the dark with 12 year olds, did I mention a Saturday night? Running aimlessly, looking for a clue that says look for a tall guy with specs and say peech.
Jess' life didn't have the ability to get anymore interesting....
And for the record, I didn't win.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I look so mean and evil and Cina-ish.
Why my siblings look so cute and cuddly.
And then another 8 years later I grew out of my Cina look.
Soft and silky hair.
Makes me look so good.
And then came year 2007 where I vow not to cut my hair for a year!
Jess you damn cheapskate man....
And so my hair grew...
My hair look like the dayang dayang that serve rich people in the olden days in those cantonese drama.
And I was going to strangle and pound Jo with my mighty fist for taking this pic with a mosquitoe bite on my face.
And came June -
Where I didn't have my lovely fringe anymore and it became a whole chunk of hair to be combed back like those nanny in the 70s.
And I had to wear a hairband in school.....
A miner from Bangladesh who freed herself with this stick after being trapped in the mine for 50hours.
All hail the stick......
Then came September where my hair didn't look presentable anymore.
There's hair poking out at weird places.
And stop asking why is my eye one big one small lar..
I'm born like that.
People say right, people with different sizes of eyes are very smart.
The sadest thing in the world is, this picture is widely distributed printed in my school magazine.
Shiny the pig never give my face and say my hair is like a piece of cloth stuck to my head.
So I broke my vow and cut my hair in December.
And I know you guys are dying to see my hot hair.
So I took many, many pictures with various themes.
You were only thinking of how can your boobs grow bigger.
I'm Amber Chia's cousin. Amber Loke.
Friday, January 04, 2008
So without furthur ado, these are the pics she collected in the past year.
Credits goes to the people who post 9999999 pics on their friendster and blogs.
The period thing was a JOKE!
Apparently it's so unfunny that all of you guys thought I was serious.