Friday, February 29, 2008

Jess With Emoness

If I was given a penny every time my parents burnt dinner,
I'd have enough to buy new parents...

Yesterday I read something written by Jo that reminded me how much fun we all used to have when we were kids.
We wrote stupid stories (like what you've read), we created our own stupid games, we dance to our stupid songs, we drew stupid little comics.

We were stupid but we were happy being stupid.

If Ben and Jo were home now, Ben would be lying on his bed procrastinating on his homework which is right beside his head while Jo would be busy snipping and clipping some stupid art-ish stuff and I'd be running into their room every 10 minutes bugging them to play Cluedo or Monopoly or any other boring board games.

While playing our silly games, we would discuss about everything under the sky. We gossip about what we think about our cousin's new girlfriend, discuss which actress (or actor) boobs are big and ugly, act out snippets of shows we just seen.

We'd tease Ben about his crush, he'd pretend not to hear us.

Ben would then attempt changing the topic by make snarky and disgusting comments like how if you pop your pimple milk will come out followed by blood.

Jo will shriek in laughter like a hyena.

I would sit there and act normal as if they came from Mars and not from mummy's womb.

When we get bored of the game or when someone is winning everything we would scamper downstairs and turn the kitchen upside down searching for snacks. We'd create a big mess with my maid standing beside pleading "Eh, jangan jangan!" "Tak boleh! Tak boleh!"

I think the only thought in her brain is -

T T.. Saya tak perlu tidur dah malam ni....

We'd happily gobbled up whatever garbage we made (and maybe anticipate diarrhea the next day), run back to the bedroom, then Ben would announce "Let's stay up all night!". Of course 5 minutes after he says that, he would be 60% asleep mumbling "I'm only resting my eyes..." and another 5 minutes he would be releasing bio-gas in his sleep.

I really miss all that now.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Shortest Post In My Entire Life of Posts

Someone has been reading my blog,

I am now positioned RIGHT IN FRONT of my boss' office.

I hear toilet flushing.

Gotta run!

T..T bloodless, black ink-ish tears...... T T

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Jess Hearts Pappy

Pappy has been away for 1 week now, Jess misses him immensely.

Jess brings narcisism to a whole new level, during her free time, she enjoys google-ing her name. And this happen more frequently nowadays when she's in the office.

Long story short.
I steal yet another post from Jo the mojo jojo.

I once had an ambition to be a writer.
Like seriously, write children stories of Cinderella who harbours an ambition to be America's Next Top Model.

Can you imagine when she's doing the cat walk her clothes suddenly *poof* into rags??!?!


Jess you're so not funny...


The Masterpiece of an 8 year old

The Three Little Lazy Son

Once upon a time, a farmer and his three son live in a little village near the forest. These three son is very very lazy. The first one like to eat, the second one like to lay down to sing, the third one only sleep and sleep and sleep.

One day their father call out: "can you three come here and help me?" ask the farmer, but the three kids pretend not to hear.

When the farmer was old, he sick, and die. Before he die, he told the son that he had keep his treasure and gold under the ground and ask them to find, so the tree son also alpologize to the farmer. then the farmer die.

From now on, the three little boy started to work, they work and work until they find the gold and sell some of the gold too.

So now they are so rich that the first one buy a new house, the second one buy a car, and most of all the third one buy a very very big cake to celebrate their happyest day!

This story is teling us to work hard, so that you will earn lots of money as reward.

I hope these three son had learn a lesson! ha! ha!

fairly good construction but there is still a lot of room for improvement

Pa 3/9/98

i even drew a picture

how to changgul (cangkul) with both the hands holding on to the same spot?

use this one

Eh indon Jo, we wrote this story TOGETHER remember???

But YOU ALONE drew the picture.

Pappy ask you to use this one....ahahahahahaha

I wonder where is that masterpiece now.....

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Jess is awaiting 5.30...

Another day, another working day.

I wake up, go back to sleep, and wake up again 15 minutes later, groggily brush my teeth, indecisively pick the choice slacks color, emotionless-ly shove breakfast down my throat, and continue my day in this big rat race.

I have confirmed my doubts of not wanting to be a office girl for the rest of my life the last time I worked in UPS.
And now,
I double, triple, quad triple confirmed my doubts.


Save me from my job please.......

I'm blogging from my office.
My bosses are up on the 1st floor.
From time to time if I hear heels clanking down the stairs, I gotta minimize this window.
Sometimes I accidentally close it,
thus I'm typing this rubbish for the 9999999 time.
Yet I still am typing it, because I simply can't find anything better to do.

Jess is rapping....
She is also researching Rap 101 from the office.

Yo yo shorty lets bounce ta-mah crib.
Yo yo check out mah bullet holes y'all.

Then there are also so many "yo mama" disses.

Yo mama's so fat when she jumps she gets stuck in the cement floor.
Yo mama's so poor she runs after a garbage truck with the groceries list.
Yo mama's so fat her belly button echoes when you talk into it.

Which reminds me the world is so sexist!
How come there is no "YO PAPA" disses?!

Why is it Mother Nature?
Why is it Mother Earth?

Why is it Choi San Ye?
Why isn't it Choi San Po???

This is what happens when you're too free.
You start having crazy thoughts.
It's finally 5.30.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

Jess Rocks Your Socks!

Okay. So I ran out of ideas for a new title of a new post.

So Chinese New Year is coming to an end, collected enough ang paos yet?

I have a couple of ideas on how to collect ang pao when married people try avoiding giving it to you.

3. Pass them an empty ang pao packet then wink non-stop at them.

At their point of view, they can either bring you to the eye hospital or just give you money.

I'm sure they will choose the latter.

2. Keep following them around and say, "I'm still single and available."

Being too afraid that you might jump on them any moment like a kangaroo and try making out, they will throw you an ang pao and terrifiedly exclaim, " I'M MARRIED! I'M MARRIED!"

1. Who am I kidding I've ran out of ideas....

Jess is currently rocking out to Natasha's Bedingfield - I wanna have your babies thanks to Ken who re-introduced it that day after blaming her for flushing their baby down the toilet. And that happened after everyone cleaned up his period which seriously stained Sam's floor.

Actually I really like the song the last time I heard it, I wonder why the song didn't hit the top 10. It has a nice, playful tone. But honestly, I'm also scared when I listen to it at home, later my mummy thinks I wanna get pregnant how??!?

Like I quote Jie Huei's boyfriend, "If you start singing this song to me I'll run away man!"

No girls dare listen to this song in front of their boyfriends and no guys would too cuz' people might think they have a uterus.

No wonder it didn't hit the top 10 lor....

The cutest couple ever!

Not to forget the bitchy-est couple ever!

Ken how could you forget to post our picture larger than Jie Huei & Shaun's???!!!
Have you lost your sense of narcisism???

And recently we celebrate the unifying of my pig cousin and clueless friend.

Took me so long to photoshop this, it better be in your wedding album.

I'm not sure how far along are they but they are already calling each other honey and pooh bear and tigger stuff like that plus listening to love songs like 'All over again' by Ronan Keating ft Rita Guerra.

You never know, next they will listen to 'I wanna have your babies'!

Jess is so anti-romantic..
She's just gonna go stone now. Kthxbai.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What Is Your Best Scratching Experience?

It's like Starbucks motto, what's your best Starbucks experience, except without the over-priced coffee and giant sofas.

Lately I've been thinking about the bad habits I have, smoking, drinking, taking drugs being promiscuous and what not. But there's this bad habit I've been carrying for the rest of my life - peeing like a dog.

Of course not, but wouldn't it be fun???

I have this bad habit of scratching myself wherever, whenever, whoever.
I scratch my head, then I also scratch my friend's head.
Then continue with any part of Jess' anatomy.

Jess you're such a great friend...

Remember my joke about that, the one about anatomy?!?!?
I was considering taking up either medicine or film studies, so I decided to do both then after that I can produce Loke's anatomy and be a real doctor in it!

Anyways, I was saying I enjoy scratching. When I sit in the office I enjoy scratching my neck, when I sit on the toilet I enjoy scratching my face, when I sit on the kaki lima jalan I like to scratch my legs like a hobo who shat in his pants. Scratching is the best thing to do when you're waiting for someone and they're late, it can express how angry you are when you scratch til' your skin tears and blood drips.

When people got nothing to do, they scratch.
When people don't know how to answer, they scratch.
When people see dogs scratch, they also scratch.

I wonder why people scratch......
It's one of life mysteries...

So back to V-day.
Cuz' I'm too lazy busy preparing for V-day now I will just repost last year's V-day post.

Although many people call Valentines a rip-off totally commercialize celebration created by the filthy-rich Hallmark, I still think there has to be some special meaning in this day for many. It need not be an expensive dinner or rip-off 'valentines special rings'. It can be a burnt self-made dinner and a pretty (cheapskate) broomstick.

Not the Harry Potter one. Whatever Nimbus-3000.
Not the Sabrina teenage witch one also la.
But I thought the last episode she was using a vacuum cleaner instead of a broomstick already.

Jess is hopeless lar 20 years old still watching Sabrina the teenage witch...

The 'burnt dinner & broomstick' are one of the few stories featured in R.AGE V-Day's issue. But mind you, all of those mentioned above are gift options for GIRLS ONLY.

If you are a girl, you give him a broom, he will laugh and say thanks.
If you are a girl, you wanted to make him a nice meal but burnt the house down instead, he will laugh forcefully and say tak apa lah..


If you are a guy, and you give her a bloody cheapskate broom, she will friggin' whack the crap out of you with the friggin' broom.
If you are a guy, and you burnt her house down in the process of making her a romantic dinner,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

J : "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?".

R : "Oh thy fair Juliet, thy have torched down our cottage. We now have nothing but clothes on our back."

J : "Oh thou foolish man! What do thou think thou art doing trying to cook?"

R : "My fair Juliet, a nice dinner was what thy want to give thou for Valentines."


And Romeo never saw Juliet ever again. Romeo spent the rest of his life begging on the street while Juliet married another fat, bald and rich man who have gourmet chefs to cook her valentines dinner.

Happy Valentines' Day!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Jess Being Rich & Fat

Jess is currently on her amazing Chinese New Year holiday, enjoying mountains of ultra-fattening cookies together with stacks and stacks of ang paos.

Ahh.... The bliss of Chinese New Year....

Soon it will be Valentines' Day,
more celebration,
more food,
more money.

more coke.

The happiness bar in Jess is filled to the brim especially when she drinks coke.

There is something so magical about coke.
It's the happiest drink in the world.

It's like m&ms,
it *poof* in your mouth.

I love coke...... *drools*

When Jess was younger, she really hates Chinese New Year because she doesn't enjoy going back to kampung. However, she found solace in the unending supply of coke in the kampung fridge. She holds a record of 9 cans of soft drinks consumed in a day. Jess once wished that people gave coke to each other instead of ang paos. Jess was only 8 and didn't know better. For now if anyone tries giving Jess coke instead of ang pao for Chinese New Year, she will throw the can of coke to their head and let them bleed to death.

Anyone inviting me to their open house?
I'm waiting......

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Happy Fatt Choi!

It's that time of the year again!
The time when we decide who is richer or poorer depending on the amount of cash in the ang pao they give!

For the married ones,

You know what they say, "You get what you gave!"

And thanks lots to the people who left encouraging and also not so encouraging messages for me to get well and go get plastic surgery. Sorry I couldn't reply yet cuz' I'm hurrying to go back to my hometown in Kuala Selangor and Ipoh. My pao face is getting much better. It has reduce back to its usual size but somehow I suspect it went to other parts of my body particularly the growing, growling butt.

And I'm looking forward to go visit you guys' houses to collect ang pao!

Truth to be told I'm not a big Chinese New Year fan.
I dislike the loud, annoying CNY chang chang songs.
I dislike the loud, annoying fire crackers.
I dislike the loud, annoying drunk people.

But I LOVE the red, soft feel of money-filled ang paos.

We gotta focus on the positive!
So just do what you love and be merry for the people around you!

For me, I'm just gonna sit at the table, with a whole bunch of relatives, look extremely happy about Chinese New Year, while my hands are in my pocket,

discretely counting the ang paos.


Sunday, February 03, 2008

Jess Is Pau Now

Jess' hopes for a knight in shining amour sliding down a rainbow and riding a unicorn is crushed.

Lately, Jess developed some sort of rash on her ears, which was pretty bad and left her ears swollen and red-ish like red ink.

It was so swollen that people asked whether I was related to Dobby.

Dobby is Sad

Dobby look so sad.
It's like he's saying,
"Although my ears are so big, no one can hear me."
"Thus, I gotta write it on my shirt."

I always knew Dobby had like a crush on Harry Potter.

Anyways, Jess was deeply afraid that the rash on her ears become worse, that her ears just might turn black and fall off.

Seriously it was so itchy if dont fall off also I might scratch til' my ears run away.

So, she went to a doctor.
The doctor said it's just an infection, nothing to worry about, no need to cello tape your ears to your head like that.

Jess started to take her course of antibiotics, swelling, itching tablets and cream.

The next day,


She woke up with even more rash!
This time all over all body and limbs!

OH NO............
But Jess shrugged the matter off. Thinking it will heal by itself later.


The next day,


Jess became PAU FACE!

Pau Pau Jess

Truth turned out to be that I was allergic to the medicine prescribed earlier. And the more the rash grew, the more my mum forced me to take my meds, and then the rash grew EVEN MORE, and then my mum FORCE EVEN HARDER to apply cream and medicine, and then the rash grew EVEN EVEN EVEN MORE.....

Apparently, the rash gotten so bad, it swell my face up 10 times the size it used to be. There is no better metaphor than comparing my face to a char siew pau.

I tell you.
Life is so not funny.