Saturday, March 29, 2008

So It's A Saturday Night Again..

Prada :
Hmm... How else should I torture my employees...
Hmmm....
HMMMMMM....
HMPH WTFWTFWTF
i KNOW!
Make them come back on a Saturday night for dinner in the company!
Muahahahahahahaha............

So it's actually my company's 25th anniversary annual dinner tonight.

True story (Embarrassment of the week)
- JessLoke went to the company and found no one there and went home.

I have no idea what time it starts, what time it ends.

What should I do lar...crap crap crap

The only number I save in my phone is Prada's number......


I decide
I shall drive back there after I finish this post.

Heh. Heh. Heh.
You thought I was gonna call her meh.


I know Jo blogged about this, but I'm gonna blog about it anyways.

What do you call this?





Say is with me kids,
C-L-E-A-V-A-G-E. Cleavage.
Other than that, Chinese love to call it longkang or monsoon drain while the indians call it SVB which stands for Samy Vellu's Boobies.
Other than that, kiddies, you are welcome to always refer to that as "ham sap".

However, that day while I was watching tv with Jo -

Jo : Wow. Check out her boob crack!

Me : Huh? wtf?

Jo's theory :




This is butt crack!

So according to Jo, since that is a butt crack then cleavage MUST BE BOOB CRACK!

And this must be a BOOB/BUTT CRACK PLANT!



I found this pic when I googled butt crack.

Someone even commented :
LMAO>>>>that is too funny..wish my butt was that firm

This pic not funny also. Cheh. Why people so easily amused one.

10 mins later while Jo & I still watching tv -

*advertisement of 10000BC the movie*

Jo : *excited, exclaimed!!!* WOW.... 10000 BOOB CRACK!! hahahahahahaha


JessLoke shall now denounce all ties with Jo.
And it's time to go meet Prada on a Saturday night. Boohoo.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Jess Got News! New News! Berita Baru! Xin Wen Pao!

Wanna get Jess' daily updates?
Text 'I Heart Jess' to 88888.
Standard SMS rates apply.
Terms and Condition apply too.
Lotion you can apply three.
University application I finish apply.

Fuiyoh! Jess is so hot when she raps *fans self*

So anyways, I felt guilty for not updating for a while and only feeding you guys with crappy post I decided to write a long interesting one today! I don't know what will be so interesting but hopefully it hits my head the next 10 minutes or so before my boss finds me on this site okay?

I secretly thinks that she secretly subscribe to my blog.

Proof #1 - Her PMS gets worst whenever I update.
Proof #2 - She yells substantially louder whenever I update.
Proof #3 - She secretly tries her very best not to yell at me. (Refer to convo below)

Prada : *Clanks downstairs loudly* Jessica. What are you doing?

Colleague trying to save me : She's busy prepping the printer.

Prada : What's wrong with the printer?

Me : Err....err.....*prays : please don't hit me* It's not printing.

Prada : Did you replace the toner?

Me : Err...err... *prays : please hit only my hand* I....did..

Prada : Which one?

Me : That one. *points*

Prada :
THAT ONE IS THE OLD ONE! AIYOH! OH NO....OH MY GOOD.....*pause*

Prada continues : ...DEAR...MY DEAR..hahahaha...*laughs forcefully and pat my hand*

Me : *prays : Thank you Lord I promise I will read the bible everyday*

But to give her credit, Prada has been very nice and patient with me although I make mistakes on a daily basis.
*whispers : Prada I secretly love you too will you gimme a pay rise?*

Prada has been (trying her best to be) nice to me but she still harbors her frustration and unleash it upon my colleague who has been saving my hot ass daily.

Prada : *angry voice* Where is Jessica?

Goalie : She's out for lunch.

Prada :
Why hasn't she been upstairs??!
Doesn't she know that she has to??!!
Why didn't you tell her?!?!

Goalie : She has got work here.

Prada : TELL HER TO COME UPSTAIRS ONCE SHE'S BACK!

Goalie has been receiving all Prada's unleash-ment.
*whipers : I love you too Goalie!*
*whispers : No no no Prada I'll always secretly love you more!*



AHHHHH.....PRADA ALERT ME GOTTA GO//?$^@#$%?^#$&

Friday, March 21, 2008

Nothing To Talk About

And because I wanna talk about 'Nothing to talk about',
I then have 'Something to talk about'!

Is that brilliant or what?


Real Hot Jess : What do you talk about when you have nothing to talk about?

Imaginary Equally Hot Jess : Err... The weather?

Real Hot Jess :
Wrong! It's a trick question! There is NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!
hahahahahahaha

Are you getting what this post is gonna be all about?
I order you to stop reading now or you are the most sial person on earth.

By the way how to explain what sial is in English?

I'm wearing a red polo with jeans at work. It's casual Friday!

It's red polo because my company is named Red something.
I can't tell you the name because I have to look out for my safety and paycheck.

My boss is so capable she can slit my throat with my paycheck.

Speaking of PMS my boss has it everyday.
Anyone got remedies for PMS?

Not for cramps, I only need a remedy for my boss' violent swings of mood.


And it's not Pre-Menstrual, it's Post-Menstrual.

Like when no more blood drips out...
Dried out......


And I'm wondering why the heck are you still reading all this crap???




Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Emoness In Jess' Life

I haven't blog in a long time.
One week.
Got 7 days.

I've been emo like that since the devastation of my STPM results.

*ring ring*

Oh.
Hold on.

Oh.

It's my period.

heh heh heh
false alarm...

I wasn't sad cuz' of my STPM results, it's just PMS.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Breaking News!

Don't you think the term BREAKING NEWS is so funny?
the news is BREAKING!!!
hahahahahahahahahaha



March 11th, Subang Jaya
- Flash floods and thunderstorm has crashed Klang Valley as soon as STPM results were released at noon. Local bomohs have concluded that the cause of the heavy downpour indeed is God crying a river.

Many cars were stuck in highways and roads which have not been well taken care of by MPSJ with the numerous number of potholes even though MPSJ is known as the biggest money sucker in Malaysia.

MPSJ currently ranks number 1 in the money sucking ranks which is followed (very) closely by Samy Vellu's toll gates (but not anymore since Sg. Siput kicked his sorry toupee behind).

Credit goes to a blog name "Flat Earth" for this uber cute shot of Samy

A sighting of a tornado is also reported at Subang Jaya which again local bomohs concluded God has caught the avian-flu. "The tornado came so quickly like WHOOSH!!, I didn't even have the time to look at my results slip!", said Jessica Loke, 20 who happened to be the hottest girl on earth who also happened to be me (thank you thank you).

The 20 year-old's STPM results slip was later found with Dorothy and Toto who are currently hunting down a robber who stripped Dorothy of her Ruby Red Slippers last seen on this cow.

Kindly contact Dorothy by clicking the heel of your shoes 3 times if you've seen this cow.

Yes it's true.
Dorothy and Toto refused to return my slip, together with Tin Man, Lion King and Narnia's White Bitch, they are venturing into BURSA Malaysia using my slip as forecast for the stock market.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Wise Words With Mr. Loke & Friends

Mr. Loke enjoys using his great wisdom to educate his children in order to give them an edge in this competitive world.


*Mr. Loke walks into the room and finds Jo playing Dota and screaming like a 3 year old*

Paps : Stop playing this game! It's for standard 3 children!

Jo :
*ignores Mr. Loke* *autocast hero (????wtf don't ask me what it means)*

Paps : How are you going to be a lawyer playing this??

Jo : *annoyed* *autocast autocast autocast*

Ben : Why you autocast??!!?! Don't autocast!!!

Jo : *seriously annoyed* Aiyaaaaaaaa.... GO AWAY LAR!!

Paps : And don't do this!

Jo : DO WHAT!?!?!

Paps : This la! Don't autocast!



*Mr. Loke lying down on my bedroom floor and admires my favourite piece of art in the room*

Paps : I think this is still the most beautiful painting you have done.

Jess : *flips hair* I know right!

Ben : It's still fugly.

Jess :
Shut up and talk when you can draw something other than monsters from Dota.

Paps : Actually I saw Ben's drawing, it's very nice.

Jess : What monster did he draw this time?

Paps : It was a picture of a buffalo.

Ben : I was trying to draw Jessica.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Jess Declares Job Hating Day!



On the beautifully historical day of 4th March 2008,
Jess (self-declared) Job Hating Day!




If you hate your job too, please dial '1800-i-desperately-need-to-learn-how-to-make-karipap-because-i-rather-stand-under-the-scorching-sun-selling-30sen-kuih-to-indon/bangladesh-labour-workers-than-doing-my-job.

Free gifts for the first 20 callers...


IS IT? IS IT? IS IT?




BIG sigh...
I've sighed audibly like more than 10times in the office and people are taking notice.

Maybe it's the absence of caffein because I'm trying to fast from coffee for at least a week to show Jesus how much I love Him.

My coffee...... T T

So my brain attempt to motivate herself (my brain is a woman, wonder woman! wtf),

"Jess Jess! Coffee is just a chemical! You are much stronger than that! C'mon! Do 10 jumping jacks and you will feel the adrenaline! GO GO GO!"

*limply wave arms 10 times like an fat butterfly ostrich wanting to fly*

"You feel it now?! You feel wonderful endorphine gushing through your veins???"

*colleague sitting beside pretend not to stare and stealthily slides chair further away from butterfly Jess*

"Feeling good? See! You don't need coffee!"
"So tell me now, what would you choose to bring on a deserted island? Your latte? Or your bible?"

*remain emotionless*

"See! Coffee will finish! When it's finish then it's gone! Forever! But if you bring your bible, forever also you won't be able to finish it!"

*pupils dilate, heart beats 9999times faster*

*colleague quickly picks up phone and dials 999 for ambulance but pauses then dials 1800-tanjung-rambutan instead.*

*sigh*

Only people with deep wisdom will understand this story.
In other words.
The moral of the story is, never listen to Jess' story because it never makes any sense.


On a more serious tone,

*fuiyoh! Jess is serious! Quickly go buy 4D!*


I know (most of the time) the first thing that comes to mind when everyone looks for a university course (which will determine your job options for the rest of your life) - its prospects, whether can become a millionaire by doing it or not.

But honestly, give it some more serious consideration.

Perhaps try looking down the road 20 years from now, what do you really want to see yourself doing.

What can ultimately give you satisfaction in life?

I bet if you love what you are doing, the money no longer matters.
Or maybe you're thinking that if you have alot alot alot of money, what you do doesn't matter.


But c'mon, do you hate your life so much to waste it away doing something you loathe?


Your life can be bigger than your paycheck if you want it to be.


After all,
you don't wanna end up like this -