Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Jess Being Nostalgic

This shall be the last time I'm blogging from the office...
I shall forever document this memorable moment and many others when I successfully evaded Prada's
supervision and blogged while she goes to the toilet...

Prada gave me a piece of pear she cut herself.
I feel guilty after eating it because I forgot to test got poison or not.


In those older days movies/shows, the Hong Kong Canto drama those also lar, those kung fu people always test their food for poison by stabbing a needle in the food right? And if the needle turns black, it means the food is poisonous! How canggih is that?!

So when I was young I decided to try it myself with my mummy's sewing kit, what happened was, the WHOLE FOOD TURNED BLACK instead!

Because my mummy's sewing kit was never utilized by her in her entire life, it was the dust from the kit all over my hand which turned my food black.

This is my office building and that car belongs to Prada and Mr. Prada. Mr. Prada is the director of the company while Prada is the great Finance Manager, together they embark on this quest to conquer Gucci, Esprit and J Co Donuts.

We usually parked our cars beside the building which stretched til' quite a distance behind.

And the punch card system is ironically located at the guard house. Thus, I gotta diet so that I can run quicker to the guard house after parking my car.

I'm always late by 1/2 minutes and my colleagues who are later than me are not! And when I'm late the punch card machine will play this annoying song like the one you hear when people put you on hold. So I investigated the reason why my colleagues' punch card indicate they are earlier.

It turned out that they punch their card upon reaching before parking their cars!

Why didn't I thought of this before?!??!?

Hahahahah I know you guys are yawning listening to this story but I don't care because it's a great discovery for Jess the Great.

So I started to punch my card before parking my car. MIRACLE! I start getting perfect punch card attendance! Fuiyoh!

Nowadays I even more canggih already! I just stop my car beside the guard house and wave to the guard and smile looking sweet, lovely and awesome (as always) say 'thank you' more seductively, then he will punch for me! I don't even have to get down from my car! FUIYOH!

Tomorrow shall be the last day I'm working! Hallelujah!!!!!
My pregnant colleague is back already and her baby is SO SO SO cute!

Makes me feel like having one..
CHOI CHOI what is this girl talking about.

Mummy :

Your father is asking why are you stopping work so early, there's still a few more months to go before you enter university.

Me :
The pregnant lady come back already what.

Mummy :
People come back already where got still pregnant!??!

Me :
Okaylor. So fierce for what. Not I pregnant also.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Jess Blogging From Home

This is the first time in many, many, many posts that I'm ACTUALLY blogging from home!
The last 15 posts or so was done in the office.


So what is the GIGANTIC mystery that cause Jess to blog from home?

Kita akan tau jawapannya,

...............*smirk smirk*
...............*wink wink*
...............*smirk somemore*


And the way he says "selepas ini" will sound like SEH-LEH-PUS E-NAY


TODAY! is the BIG DAY!

I OFFICIALLY announce my resignation as an

admin clerk/finance clerk/receptionist/Prada's assistant

But no lah my post(S) are just temporary so all I had to do is just tell Prada.

All I had to do right.
Only right.
So easy right?

Me :
Erm. Erm. Pra- I mean Mrs. X, I want to stop work on the 30th.

Prada :
Okay I will let you know.

Me :

Seriously lor.
I really tak faham with my Prada.
Somebody please interpret for me.

I won't pay you but I promise to be normal around you :)

Within the blink of an eye, I've worked for 3 months plus as a admin/finance/receptionist/assistant.

I'm so used to answering phone calls with "Good Morning Red Energy" that I'm answering some of my calls like that and instead of Red Energy my friend misheard and thought I was working at MNG and asked me to buy clothes with staff price for her.

Yes Amelia Chan Jiat Hee I'm talking about you.

There were lots of ups and downs those 3 months.
Like I used to sit at my workplace downstairs then had to shift upstairs outside Prada's office.

the ground floor office

1st floor, right outside Prada's den

my sad place right outside her Den

my basic needs when I'm with Prada

When you have ups and downs you have inside out also.

Couple of weeks later I was shifted outside to the receptionist area so the newly employed receptionist can stay inside and acquire essential training of survival for the wrath that is none other than Prada.

my lonely throne


the lonely walkway

This post is seriously boring so I'm gonna add more boringness to it by telling you guys ALL ABOUT MY WORK.

There were funny moments of my job of course like while doing room reservations I noticed how PLEASANT the Sunway Hotel staff was -

Me : *dial dial dial hard worker dial dial dial*

Worker turned Robot :
*robotic voice because she actually forgot she's human*
*the same way Michael Jackson forgot he's human too*

Good Morning Sunway Hotel Resort & Spa Miss Mona speaking here how may I assist you this lovely morning?

Me :
*checks whether it's morning or not. If it's not I can say "HAH! GOTCHA! IT'S! 12PM NOW NOW NOW!*
*instead it was really morning so i tried annoying her by immitating her robotic voice*

Good Morning Miss Mona this is Miss Jessica speaking you can assist me by connecting me with the Reservations Dept NOW NOW NOW

Worker Turned Robot :
MY PLEASURE to connect your call ma'am. *force force force smile*

Then I'll continue my long-winded request of Prada to any other staff, so of course, I will feel a bit bad, thus tend to apologise a bit.

Me :
Yes, yes like that. Thank you. Sorry for the trouble.

Another Worker turned Robot :
It's MY PLEASURE to serve you ma'am.

Me :
Thank you so much.

Another Worker still Robot :

I can only imagine, their face must have been LIKE THAT the whole day.


Looks like working for Prada ain't THAT bad.

PS. Please remember Jessica normally looks cute, pretty, awesome like THAT (below) usually.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Jess In Fear!

This was my face when I looked into the mirror today!

No it's not because I have a gigantic pimple on my nose.
No it's not because I have one strand of white hair.
No it's not because I grew a belly overnight.

It's because!


Hahahahahhaha.... So not funny right....

Jess is currently obsessed over this -

Jess loves loves loves Jazz and Vocals together, they melt together like chocolate and coffee and taste like the Starbucks hot mocha I love love love so much which I have not had in 1 whole month because Kota Kemuning has no Starbucks.

My office people are calling me a freak for staying in Kota Kemuning because we have no KFC nor Pizza Hut nor TGV or even Cathay Cinema.

HOW CAN IT BE?!?!?!?

Colleague trying to be funny :
Eh Jess, where do you buy your vegetables ar?

Colleague trying to be funnier :
SHE PLANTS THEM! hahahahahahha

Ahhhhh... If one day someone deliver the Best Audiophile Voices album with hot mocha to my doorstep I will love that person forever and the next lifetime.....

Jessica Loke. Wake up wake up.

Okay, I shall fulfill my dear friend emolausj's request and do his tag.

Sigh. Jess. The best of friends in the world.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

2. If you have the chance, what would you probably say to your beloved one?
I want you to do plastic surgery to look like Brad Pitt. Can anot taling?

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you?
Ken - Cuz he's my best bitch.
Josh Josh - Cuz I miss him and he's the real love of my life.
Emolausj - Cuz I miss his babbles and rantings.

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Alice in Wonderland!!! I wanna go to wonderland!!!



5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
Marry Elton John.

Eh, hello people who said Elton John is not hot. He's talented okay.
In my book, talent = hotness also.

Crap. Actually I wrote that Elton John is hot, gay and taken in the first place because I can't find anybody else who is. Why so many attack me back pulak...

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
All my baby teeth kept in this shoe box under my bed.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Demolish Kota Kemuning.
Yes it probably won't be enough.
So thanks in advance for your kind donation.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?


Okay so maybe yes in another language.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
1. He is SO FUNNY. Seriously DAMN FUNNY!
2. He is a great husband. Remember how he divorced Maria over MSN?
3. He is righteous! Really!


11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Requirements ar.
Must look like Brad Pitt lor what you expect.

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
I spread love only. PEACE.

13. What is your ambition?
Bringing world peace.

" I have never looked more gay in my life"

14. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
Nothing lar! I told you I think everybody is good!
You want me to post another hippy picture is it?!??!?

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?

Eh. stupid tag why so long one.

17. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
Character don't have lar.
Physically I want bigger boobs, hotter ass, bigger eyes.

18. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Shiny has shine light in my life for 14 years. I love you Shiny!

Now I have to go confess to God for lying...

19. What makes you different?
My love for coffee and Shiny.

20. Why is my boss Prada?



Friday, April 18, 2008

Jess is Great. Jess is Fabulous. Jess is Incredible!

Whenever you hear these words "OH MY GOD YOU'RE INCREDIBLE!"
what are the first pictures that come to your mind?
Hehehe I know what you're thinking...

Today Jess shall discuss the power of positivity.

It comes mostly in forms of positive affirmations in our daily lives.
For example

When you pass up your homework to your teacher and it's properly done, your teacher says "Well done, you are a smart boy."

That is a positive affirmation.

But when you forgot to bring your homework to school and the teacher stares you in the eye and whisper "You are stupid and forgetful."

You can sue her.

In life, positive words are very important. They help you see the positive side of things. They help you realize you have so many good things in life! (When at the same time there's a lot of negative too.) So, in a way, a positive affirmation has ability to cover whatever negativity there is in your life.

This is too complicated. Let me give you a simple example.

Jill just broke up with her boyfriend.

Supporting friends :
Don't cry, don't cry Jill. Why did he broke up with you?

Jill the cry baby :
*sniff sniff* He said... *sniff sniff sniff* He said.... My boobs are not big enough! *waaaaa waaaaa waaaa*

Supporting friends :
*takes a peek at her boobs* *secretly nod at the statement* Hey. It's not THAT small! It's still bigger than Simon Cowell's one!

Jill the cry baby :
*waaaaa waaaaa waaaaa* Simon Cowell's nipples are still bigger than mine.

Supporting friends :
Look at the bright side! 30 years later your boobs wont sag!

Jill the cry baby :
*waaaaa waaaaa waaaa* Really?

Supporting friends :
Yes! Look at Pamela Anderson! I promise you 20 years later her boobs will sag to the ground and by that time the only longkang (cleavage) she has will be the ones she's created by dragging her boobs on the ground!

Jill the cry baby :
*slowly stops crying* Are small boobies really that great?

Supporting friends :
Of course! Besides that, remember when we need to write something on a piece of paper with no table around us and we can only use other people's back to do it? For you, we can use BOTH SIDES!

Jill now the happy baby :
YEAH BABY! Small boobies rock my socks!

See how powerful positivity is?

Actually Jess was only consoling herself about her small boobies...
Jill is actually Jess..

Eh it's a joke okay.
If any guys dare dump Jess about her boobs she will sedate them and insert breast implants let them have BIG BOOBS all their lives.

So anyways, back to serious business.

Bottom line is, nice, good, and positive words cost nothing. Really.
Saying "You look beautiful today" won't make you look any uglier as well.
So say something nice everyday.

"Yeah babeh! Prada your small boobs totally rock my socks!"

Monday, April 14, 2008

101 Carpe Diem!

Have you watched the new Justin Timberlake, Madonna 4 minutes video?
I swear it's the hottest thing since Siti Nurhaliza wedding on live tv!!

So I'm not really a big fan of this pop culture where we follow how thinner is Michael Jackson's (anorexic) nose growing or whether Pete Wentz is engage to Ashlee Simpson.....



All the hot guys are either gay or taken.
Well in Elton John's case it's both.

Just now I heard my 4 year old neighbor kid crying again, on an average, she cries about 10 times a day. So when she cried just now her 12 year old sister said " Eh, why you always cry one ar?"

Her 4 year old sister then answer, "because you ya ge toka kjsja sa"

I tell you I can never understand a thing kids are telling me.
My strategy is I will answer back "kiko telo mikolo"
They look at me weirdly.
Then I say, "See, you can't understand me and I can't understand you, so let's just go back to doing our own things and only call me when you want go toilet."

So I'm suppose to teach you how to live your life to the fullest in this post.

Step 1 -

Quit your job and shout to your boss, "Even my mama say your butt is big!"
For students, write random notes in your assignments like, "your belly is bigger than my grandmama's rice pot."

Example :
When Jess' teacher's name is Pn Daisy, she wrote Daisy Duck on her book instead. And she forgot to erase it when she handed her book up. Pn Daisy hated her for the remaining one and a half years so Jess got the chance to live to the fullest with fantastic dreams during Pn D's biology classes which works greater miracles than any sleeping pills.

Speaking of dreams I got this weird dream. Forget about the stupid live to the fullest steps.

I was like drowning/swimming in this blue blue blue water. I said blue 3 times because it was really blue. Then I swam/float up this beach like at a stranded island. Then I was really thirsty. So I saw this big coconut tree with gigantic coconuts. So I was trying to figure out a way to climb this big coconut tree. THEN! SUDDENLY! This fruit stall APPEAR in front of me! And there's a man there calling "Je-seeee-caaa, Je-seeeee-ca, Je-seeeeeeeeeeeee-ca"

Wah damn creepy this dream.

Then suddenly I woke up.

It's my manager calling my name because I fell asleep during the company meeting.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Jess' 100th Post!

So I've received numerous complains about my randomness
(actually only one which is from Amelia)

Just cuz' she's gonna study law now she thinks she's too good for Jess' blog...

So Jess is gonna be damn serious wanna kill people tone in this post.
We are going to discuss worldly issues like whether Donald Trump's hair is really real.

So back to my story, I'm going to be very serious.

Amelia is contemplating on studying law in MMU where Jo the MojoJojo (do the powerpuff girls spell MojoJojo like that?) is now. And coincidently, Jo's roommate is leaving. So I decided to play room match maker and make them best friends.

Me : Hey stupid, when are you coming back?

Jo : I need to come back soon lar, I left my book at home and I need it.

Me :
Why you never change, still so stupid. My friend is going to MMU on Wednesday, want me to ask her bring down for you?

Jo :
YESH! :):):):) my book green color in my room very easy to find one.

Me :
Eh, you can ask her be your roommate, she wanna study law also.

Jo :
Really??? What's her name?

Me :
Amelia Chan Jiat Hee, damn funny right her name? Sound like name for food court. She's a very nice person, always laugh will never get angry one.

Jo :
Pretty one anot? Don't so pretty lar later I depressed.

Me :
Quite pretty. Got boyfriend already one don't worry. Later I email you her picture.

Jo :
I wan be pretty also :(:(:( Maybe it's contagious. I'll take the risk and accept her as my roommate lah..

Me :
-_- stupid. People didnt say wanna be your roommate also. But you can persuade her, she's going to see you on Wednesday and it's her birthday!

Jo :
Wah really?! I will buy her present! Damn gay. hahahahahaha

Me :
-_- Yalar. Her boyfriend going with her also. He must be thinking let the girlfriend study so far some more got lesbian roommate sure don't let her study there!

Jo :
HAHAHAHAHAHA but you see, I can be spy for her boyfriend and maybe earn some cash..

Me :
Stupid. I text you later lar, now I gotta change sim card to my 012 number thanks to you, took my phone back to malacca "BY ACCIDENT"

Jo :
hahahahaha Sorry lorr... You want me to pass the phone to Amelia for you? ahahahaha treat people like postman...

So that was some serious discussion between Jo and I.

Actually I was gonna discuss some real serious issues like picking your roommate. Or the the question that would you rather pay more for a single room or less and share. Or more serious questions like what to do if you argue with your roommate and he revenge by doing things like sitting on your pillow not wearing pants?

And by the way! My tuition kids scored A for Bio! No thanks to you all who didnt believe in Jess the Great. The most common reaction I got was "Huh? Why Jess?!?! Why you want to ruin their lives??!!"

So I don't know what else to say already. My mind is trying to be damn serious like dark comedy but my heart is so happy like slap-stick comedy. At the end, lame comedy is produced and we all know that is the unfunniest kind of comedy.

Okay, bye.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Jess In Black

Heh heh heh...
I know many of you guys will go "Oh no, not again?!"
But I'm gonna tell my story about Prada again because I'm blogging from the office and she is all I'm thinking about.

I decided to wear all black yesterday.
And put on an angry face.
And went to work like super serious.
Even my underwear is black in color.
But not black bra cuz' it would make my boobs look smaller.

Me : *thinking* Hey Prada! I'm not afraid of you! I got black power today!

So she intercom me after lunch as usual-

Prada : *angry voice* Jessica!

Me : Yes?

Prada : You free now?

Me : *damn serious wannna kill people voice* NO. Why?

Prada :
Err.... No lar.. I just want you to do some filing for me..
You busy then.....nevermind lah...

See! Black Power!

No wonder Obama is winning....

Obama : Hey Clinton, wanna come to my hotel room later for some sugar?
Clinton : I'll think about it. Stop looking at me you perv.

So anyways, since black has such magnificent power that could even tame Prada,

I decided to overdo it today.

And guess what?!?!


Happiest Day of My Life!

Since black is such a wonderful color, I decide to do more research on it.
I found many things has became the new black.

Wow! This is so hottt!
The shirt lar, what were you thinking.

I love this shirt too!! I bet I can find it in Petaling Street for 10bucks.

Last BUT Not Least.....