Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Story Never Been Told

Which could have took only 2minutes but I stretched it 20minutes long...
He he he...

The front part is a bunch of long-winded ah-po crap,
but read it anyway!

This picture speaks for Jess the Great.

Credits - ToothpasteforDinner

An embarrassing short story -

Year 2005, I had to enroll in this boring camp for Kadet Bomba.

Yes, I was one of the 'cadets', laugh all you want now.

That boring camp lasted for 3 days, holy moly it was so painfully long and boring. Before that I debated 3 days 3 nights whether to go for the camp or lied to mummy I went and spend 3 days traveling around Malaysia on my bicycle.
At the end when I decided to go, I realize it's gonna cost me 6 days instead of 3 plus the 3 days worth of debate.

Moral of the story, don't be so indecisive.

Anyways that is not the story yet, I had to do some boring activity in the middle of some hot hot middle of nowhere.Usually I would jump for joy, but my friends were not in the camp so I decided to drop the act of pretending to be excited about sunburn and skin cancer.

How I dread, dread, dread those 3 days.

Irrelevant fact : Wood your bro was with me in that camp.

So in the middle of that hot hot hot activity I had to pee! How can that be?!? The toilet is miles away! What can I do?!?! My (temp) friends were busy activity-ing and so I had to go alone.

Why, why, why is the world so unfair?
Why did Steve Irwin died?
Why did I still get C although I went for this dumb camp?

So while taking the long hot walk, I again convinced myself to be happy. (Jess is the master of happiness wtf) So I said, "Hey Jess! Why don't you run? I'm sure if you did, serotonin and dopamine will be released and you will be very happy about the camp!"

And so Jess ran for happiness.

And then she met this -


You know how invisible they seem when no clothes are on them?

The sequence of the story can only be describe in paint like this -

I ran straight into the clothesline, it flexed, caught my whole body til' it was floating in the air, then release it's grip suddenly and allow Jess the Great to thumped back down onto the floor in the most dramatic way you could ever imagine - clawing the air, mouth open wide what not....

If you still can't picture what I'm talking about you can picture those Disney cartoons or perhaps how Jerry always tie a string to trip Tom, the string will catch Tom at the neck then flings him backwards thus crashing into a pile of dishes, THAT is what happened to me.

I didn't know cartoon were so..... REAL.

I laid on the ground for 5 seconds, was very quickly gonna burst into tears but suddenly reality hit my head I was still in this stupid camp, I quickly got up, dusted my body and pretended it was really funny and then LOL like crazy because someone might be watching.

Then I looked around, nobody was there, and realize I was really becoming crazy.
Thank God I didn't peed in my pants though.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Joshy & Tracey

Two of my favorite people.
They are not a couple though.

Because Joshy got SammieMoo whom he is not dating but considered as his 'buck' buddy.

Lynli said it I only typed it!

And Tracey...
Has been clubbing everyday but so far the results doesn't seem very optimistic.

Joshy first set his eyes on me in year 2006 and thought I was the coolest person ever.

I remember taking the same flight with him to Langkawi, we both saw each other and gave each other some weird stares, then proceed to take 2 different taxis to the same destination.

How can I forget this??!
The taxi cost me 10 bucks and the hotel was 5minutes away.
Why didn't you say something to me like "Hi you look hot wanna share a cab? If you don't we can walk there together and I can
keep you company with some knock knock jokes?"

We don't look very cool here but at least I got my hair...

But after being asigned to the same group, listening to tsunami stories and staying up til' 3am waiting for that chocolate orgy, I found Josh to be one of the most down to earth people. He's the kinda guy who calls at 12am just to talk, not afraid to cry and be emo, and also enjoys calling himself retarded.

Do you know that all emails Josh sent you guys are all typed word by word because he doesn't know how to utilize the 'forward' tool?

"Josh gives very good blowjobs"

Blowing candles lar. What were you thinking?

"But this is what he does when we say 'cross your eyes' "

-Last but not least-

"Josh loves Dance Dance Revolution"

In conclusion, you're missing out if you don't know this emo retard who shameless admits that he watches porn.

I love you Joshy!
You better write me from UPenn and buy me gifts with your JPA money besides that underwear you're buying for Ken.

And then in form6 I got to know this girl who looks very nice and quiet and you know how it's usually the opposite.

"Trace's the one terrorizing the poor girl"

What can I say?

"Trace demanded a birthday kiss"

Thanks for the sacrifice Amelia.

I've never met anyone more carefree than her. (Other than Wood of course because they are both the same kind) She's kinda like happy-go-lucky but sometimes not very lucky.

And she would laugh, laugh, laugh at anything but somehow we can never understand the jokes she tells. (Remember the one about the tuna or some fish? I still don't get it)

Nonetheless though sometimes hell hath no fury like Tracey's scorn - Remember the time she poured water on my head in front of few hundred people when I teased her during Mr. Goh's class? I had to sit through the class for another 1 hour soaking wet just because I said her hair looks frizzier than usual.

"A hurricane/thunderstorm came yet we were still ordered to celebrate her birthday and not the candle out while she make her 10minute wishes"

"The (used to be) 4 musketeers" *sniff sniff*

I had a blast in form6 and alot of it is thanks to Trace. We chased after many buses/LRTs together, if that wasn't enough we also chased after bugs and insects and some bees.
Gosh... Don't you miss those times Trace? When we always ponteng class together and be named the fantastic four by Pn Daisy together.

I'm attemping to make Trace cry.
She cries ALOT.

Happy Birthday Trace & Josh Josh!

Now that Josh is going off to UPenn, Trace is marking her territory in Metropolitan College, I need replacements for them.

Please fit into all the above criteria before contacting Jess the Great.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Jess And Reunions

This title makes me sound 40.
If I was 40, I'd still be hot and charming don't worry. *wink wink*

"Sorry Nicole the camera loves me"

This is the 'poke-fun-at-your-hair-before-others-have-the-chance-to-so-that-it-won't-be-so-funny-anymore' technique.

Yes, the hair came out bad/weird/funny/not Jess.
And I quote "Aunty, please TRIM my hair, NOT SHAVE IT."
But what the heck.
It's so short I will do a mohawk for next week's post!

When life gives you lemon,
you make lemon cheesecake because Secret Recipe doesn't make them anymore.

Oh I actually wanted to talk about Josh's and Trace's birthday celebration.
But it's too late now I'll oversleep again and be late again.

Meanwhile, this is a message from Ken -

"I don't care u guys have to come out with me on my august break! I don't effing care! U guys have to come! All those bitches out there better agree to that or I swear to god I'll pimp them at Chow Kit!"

SJ Bidor ain't that far. And drag Maria along please.

YenNee if you're still out there in Germany reading this you better come back soon, Ken will fly there to pimp you if you don't. So sorry I lost your email and forgot to reply again!

I'm so hyper now and it's 130am I need to sleep or I'll oversleep again and be late again.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

It's Not A Rat Praise The Lord



Keeping In Touch With Jess 101


Moving on...

Just because my pig cousin suddenly have the urge to update her blog everyday with a whole bunch of 256mb ram/dial-up internet killer pictures, she decided she now has the power to boss me around.

I'm sitting at home, with all windows and doors closed, no put down the phone, dont have to call 911 I'm not killing myself by inhaling gas but no doubt that's the most painless way to die, BUT I saw this BIG GIGANTIC RAT coming out of my kitchen and went out the dining hall sliding door.

Just to not give it any ideas that it is welcome back I decided to seal every single opening in my house and also type this while standing on the chair. While standing I decided to see what's going on in friendster since I have not do so in a long time. I'm such a mature adult I decided not to friendster or facebook anyone anymore.

Secret is, Jess didn't know how to operate her facebook account thus abandon it...

And I don't understand why but people love to leave those glitter glitter messages at your comment section. If it's like on special occasions, Happy New Year! or Happy Birthday! I understand, BUT

"I love u!" *smileys smileys heart shape*
"hello!" *covered in super shiny glitter*

Okay lah. Not to offend anyone who likes it.
Maybe I'm just not feminine enough.

If that's not the worst thing people left, Emolausj left this -

Ohmygosh you guys better quickly finish reading this post so I can delete the picture. IT is staring at me very weirdly.

Just to prove that my account is still alive and any pictures like "Ugly Alan" (the name of the weird picture above) (it has a name!) is not needed to resurrect the account, I clicked on everybody's profile just to 'view' it.

And I'm typing crap now just because I want to fill up as many lines as possible to get away from that creepy picture looming over me...

Ben and Jo still have some of the most retarded pictures in their profile.

"Is this a stick?"
"Ouch. It hurts."

"I want to be just like 'Ugly Alan'!"

Even if we are at 3 different places right now, don't have to do DNA check also know that we're siblings already. I wonder what my parents feed us to make us like that.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Mystery of The Blog Skin Disappearance

Saw the weird poll thingy beside?
Jo and I picked the same retard thing "Yay! I love polls!"
And we are the only ones who did.

It's proven that we grew up in the same house together.
But doesnt refute the fact that Jo was salvage from some dumpster.

That historical day, 8th of July, (not talking bout Jo from dumpster) I had fun posting another edition of jess is great. And then I figured since I was so free, I should figure out how to do the very cool blogroll thingy that Loi has.

Surprisingly, the instructions were really helpful from blogger this time. Just click this, click that, add a couple of weird sites you go to........and VOILA! Another method to announce your life into the interwebs for million of people to see.

See, instructions all seem so easy and what big fat liars they are.

There was one catch, to upgrade my old ancient blog "template" into a modern "layout". I tried clicking on the upgrade template a gazillion times and the screen just froze at that page.

So being a normal human being, I clicked on it a few gazillion times more while cursing it. After about 10 gazillion times, I was too tired and decided to check out what new blog skins are available on blogger.

Hmmm... It was mostly the same. But for the sake of 'so much time on my hand', I decided to try on other blog skins and see what it would look like. It's like in a shopping center, you know you're not going to buy that shirt but just want to try it on and see how you'll look like.



So I decided to blame it on the rising fuel price.

Next thing you know, EVERYTHING was gone, what's left is only my archive and "About me". It was like my blog lost it's outer appearance and left with it's insecure inner parts. It was like when you tried on the shirt you found out that your hot ass and hot boobs are lost in them.

The rest is history.
I couldnt use the old skin anymore because it just cant fit the sidebars I dont know why.

I fixed my blog from the historical click which destroyed it - 1.45am til 6am.
So that people won't notice the girl without boobs and butt.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Jess Decides To Ponder...

If you see "Pondering Jess", please don't ask -
"Eh you sick ar?"

People want to act serious for a while also cannot is it?!?!

So if you are living in USJ2 or anywhere in Subang Jaya, I'm quite sure must have heard about Mr. Guna - our English teacher in SMK Seafield.

Mr. Guna was my English teacher in form4 also my class teacher. He was the kind of teacher that really enjoys joking around, teaching and giving a wise word once in a while. You can say he is a real joker lar... He can lighten ANY situation. If you enter the staff room you can see the teachers sitting near his desk really enjoys his company. Mr. Guna was a real jovial person!

It was a real shock when I heard that he went into a coma after falling from the roof, subsequently passed away on Tuesday 3.30pm.

I can't say I know him very well and have went through alot with him but he helped me see through a very difficult phase when I was in form4. I was having a terrible time adjusting, lost nearly 20kg and he was one of the few teachers that actually took effort to talk to me. His words weren't super wise nor super enlightening but just really simple and sincere.

I'm not trying to blog about a big sob story but I guess I'm trying to say it could have happened to anyone. And in this case it was with someone who has graced me with his presence.

Day after day we hear "live life to the fullest!" "carpe diem!" but do we really know what it means? Does it mean to perform extreme stunts? To gorge on cancerous food since we're dying anyways? Or to take the biggest risks in life?

My guess is, all of the above, but at the same time, none at all. We relate "living life to the fullest" with pushing us to the very edge, the point of exceeding an invisible limit determined by ourselves. It is as if we are chasing death, so that we can feel out of breath, simply to feel alive. But we fail to notice that, we can live our lives without feeling near death and still be ALIVE.

There is no doubt Mr. Guna will be truly missed, just like our classmate Thaya, our school clark Puspa and many others who have left sooner than we expected. Tonight when you say a little prayer for Mr. Guna's family and friends, also say a little prayer for yourself. Ask what it means to you to be alive. To feel like you are living.

I pray that we can all grab hold of its meaning without having to chase death because we just might catch up sooner than expected.

"Men talks of killing time while time quietly kills them." Dion Boucicault

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Catastrophe Struck After The Last Post...





Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Jess Forgot She Owns A Blog

9.33pm 8th of July 2008

Jess wakes up at a unknown place. "What time is it?" "What is this place?" "Why am I still wearing yesterday's clothes?" She asked without real intention for an answer.

And then she found out she fell asleep on the floor behind the couch in the living room while searching for something. She dream that the dumb beloved dog peed all over the front porch and was ready to throw her Nokia 3315 at the dog Naomi Campbell style was gonna pat its head for such a good job. Jess is so loving towards animals.... But it was all a dream so she doesnt have to scrub the front porch Indon maid style.

Explanation for Jess MIA stunt -

Jo and Ali Baba came home for the weekend for a short holiday and also to celebrate the scholarship event because the Ali Baba and Mamee Monster are so happy that the only leech-er left at home is Jess Loke.

Leech-er is a term created by BenG and Mojo meaning parasite money sucker.
This is only because they are using scholarship money they think they are so great.
hmph hmph hmph. gah gah gah.
I shall suck ALL THE MONEY.

My Ali Baba (Mr. Loke) ideal holiday is to do house chores after coffee + newspapers in the morning, a nap in the afternoon, more chores or gym session then more newspaper and CNN + Bloomberg at night.

And because I'm his self-proclaim favorite child, I have to spend time with him washing the air-cond filters, gardening, and pretend I enjoy watching Bloomberg. The remaining time I MUST spend playing sims til 4am.

Since young, I've came to know that Ali Baba is a very homey person. He dislikes shopping centres, fast foods and Elton John. He likes naps in the afternoon, home-cooked meals and CNN plus some arabic channel on astro. I can never fathom why he watches the Arabic channel when he cant understand anything with the lack of subtitles. But he is so fascinated by it that one day -

Ali Baba : Jess! You must learn a foreign language!

Me : Of course! I've already learn teochew!

Ali Baba :
Not that lah girl! You must learn something like French or German.

Me : Yaya okay anything lah. I want money.

Ali Baba : I also want money who can I ask from?

Me :
Yeh yeh
(grandfather)? When you visit his grave during cheng beng.

Ali Baba :
This girl is always talking nonsense. What have I done wrong raising her.

Me :
Not only me. Jo and Ben also always talk nonsense. Why are we watching this Arabian drama again?

Ali Baba :
Oh ya I nearly forgot the purpose of this conversation. I want you to study Arab language so you can translate this drama for me next time.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Jo Got It!

How come nobody is taking up the offer of being Jess new best friend?
I'm sure my ex best friend Shiny has been threatening you guys right?
Don't worry don't worry I can get you a restraining order.

Me : *watching one tree hill season 5 finale* *ring ring got message*


YTM stands for Yayasan Telekom Malaysia, Jo has been attending interviews and a camp to "win" that scholarship. It has been going on since May and I had to chauffeur her to everything so annoying. And I'm not a man.

Me : *shouts to mum upstairs*
Mameeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Jo got the scholarship.

Mum : *busy getting ready to go out with her friends*
REALLY? Yahooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Jo :
Eh quickly go double check at the website, I scared I ngan fa.

Me :
If you eye flower imma kill you cuz I have to hear mum's constant yahooooooo at home now.

Before I manage to get to the computer, mummy has already came downstairs and dashed past me.

Me :
Hey mojo. Mummy so excited she volunteer to check for you already. I'm watching satu pokok bukit. Oh crap Dan is gonna be alive next season so much drama again.

Jo :
He is dying meh?

Me :
He got some heart disease and need heart transplant and the guy before him in the transplant list died even without Dan killing him.

Jo :
Wah he's so lucky like me!

Me :
Oh well. Just when I text you Dan's gonna live, the next minute, he gets knock down by a car. Looks like he might be dying after all means even more drama.

Mum :

Me :
Jo I think you got no eye flower I can hear mum yahoooo again from the computer room. So since you got the scholarship can I have your share of allowance?

Jo :
ahahahahaha yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

So then sitting in my living room watching Dan dying, I thought, this is my chance to benefit from Jo's good fortune! Because all these while she has been benefitting from mine. You see, Jo broke a mirror when she was 8 years old and we both believe that she has bad luck all these years. When Jo turned 15 she was so happy because she thought her spell was finally over until she broke yet another mirror in her room few days later.

Me :
Mummy can I have a pair of new nike shoes?

Mummy :
Ya okay! I bring you to shop for it later.

Me :
Then how about today? I thought you were gonna bring me go shop for a new laptop with carol?

Mummy :
How come you didnt say earlier? I'm suppose to go out now with my friends. Come I write you a cheque you go with Carol yourself.

Me :
Mummy I dented my car twice last week at the airport.

Mummy :
Doesn't matter your car very dented already tomorrow when we go out, go service your car. I'm going now, bye bye.

Me :
Eh jo, can you pretend to get a scholarship everyday? I forgot to tell mum I also hit someone else car and need to pay money.