Friday, October 31, 2008

Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm Suppose To Be Studying but...

[insert reason here]
It's like Alcoholics Anonymous or any other self-help support group.
You can start with,
Hi, I'm [insert name] I'm suppose to be studying but I'm reading JessLoke's nonsensical-ramblings.

Ostensibly everyone is having their finals, but everyone is on facebook, msn, sky-pee, friendster, maybe still ICQ posting personal messages like -

1. Please study now... I beg myself wtf
2. Please don't procrastinate.... T.T
3. I'm studying now....seriously... T.T
4. Why am I still on facebook?! T.T
5. If you see me online now on msn please slap me.... T.T

Why are people so reluctant to study?
Why do we procrastinate so much?
Why did I use the word ostensibly?!

I don't understand why too,
And this is another thing I don't understand -
my friends say the dumberest things...

Yin :
Eh Bala, what do you all do for Deepavali?

Bala :
What do you do for Chinese New Year?

Yin :
We go prepare delicious delicious food.
Wear red red color.
And celebrate.

Bala :
We also prepare delicious DELICIOUS food.
And celebrate.

Yin :
Eh serious la. How you celebrate?

Bala :
All the Indian in Malaysia gather together and then like..go to this place together.

Yin :
*blind to sarcasism*
How do you go to Deepavali?

My friend Yin thinks that Deepavali is like......a place...

Anyways I'm suppose to be studying right, but my text is too amusing at times. You know how your teacher try to be funny but is not and then she laughs at her own joke? My text book does that, in its own silent way.

So I'm studying this part stating 3 factors involved in liking and attraction -

(i) Physical Attractiveness

Studies shown that people tend to look for partners who appear as attractive as them. And then blah blah blah blah about half a page devoted to this factor.

Just when you think things are going to make a more predictable turn, the book (just like unfunny teachers attempting to make jokes) ends the support with this -

However, physical attractiveness appears to decline in importance when a permanant partner is chosen. Fortunately, there is hope for the unbeautiful among us.

(ii) Proximity - stating that how far apart people live determines liking

Ending with yet another attempt at funniness -

Those who believe in miracles when it comes to matters of the heart may believe that there is a perfect mate chosen for each of us waiting to be discovered somewhere in the world. But, if this is true, the far greater miracle is the frequency with which fate conspires to place this person within walking distance.

(iii) Familarity - increasing exposure to the person itself will increase liking

I promise this is the last one (i didnt alter a single word, its all from the text) -

The take-home message is clear. If you are not beautiful or you find your admiration of someone unreciprocated, be persistent and hang around. Proximity and familiarity are your most powerful weapons!

Cue poms poms and 'YOU GO GIRL' signs!

Why my book trying to be funny?
Not funny lor

I feel so tulan now....

But at least what I'm studying is more intersting than all of yours.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The New & Improved Jessica

Is currently indulging in extra cheesy fatty pizza, as
a reward for being so hardworking, kind, hot and totally amazing.

I finally had a REAL sense of feeling when there was no more deadlines, quizzes, presentation. I used to cringe when I see college kids complaining about having deadlines and being so stressed and all - SO ANNOYING LAR STUPID SPOILED COLLEGE BRATS. Thus, for the past 2 months I resisted (fervently) on complaining about deadlines or weekly (sometimes 'POP!') quizzes.

When I was in primary school, I used to go to school very early - approximately 640am, when class only starts at 730am. I had to because my best friend was Procrastination and I had to complete copy my homework or get caning implemented by Lick Hung's 'Every Teacher Shall Cane Whoever, Whenever, Wherever' policy.

Nowadays, my class starts at 800am and you can see me at McDonalds 715am burying my head in piles of paper and a laptop stealing wi-fi from Starbucks, also paranoid-ly checking the time every 5 minutes. Those McDonalds staff knows me very well - 'The Girl Who Comes Every Morning and Not Buy Anything (Takes Our Free Newspaper) And Steals Wi-fi From Starbucks Because Ours Sucks.'

For the first time yesterday I didn't have an aim for my 4 hours break.

Me 'Hot Chick' :
Eh where are we going for break today?

Farina :
We go eat lunch (at friggin' AC again) then go library lar.

Me 'Hot Chick' :
We are such nerds lar. Do you know if I can't find you around campus the only place I need to look besides the toilet is the library's toilet?

Farina : *laughs like she always does*

Me 'Hot Chick' :
I just realize we don't have anything to do today. We finished our last quiz already and last assignment handed in yesterday after I ran lintang pukang to Ms Kamala's office and made the deadline at 3.59pm.

Farina : *drunk tone of voice*
Oh ya lah.... Then where should we go today?

Me 'Hot Chick' : We go eat (at friggin' AC) then go library lar.

Farina : Oh. Okay.

And then we ended up wasting those 4 hours eating, talking, then google-imaging celebrities pictures comparing who is hotter than who. And also taking a great deal of retarded pictures.

You know you want some....

Hotter than Britney

Ms Khor thinking 'Why are they holding their phones up like that?'

Ms Khor realize she's been stalked and enter Power Rangers mode

Friday, October 17, 2008


I've been a little more hardworking than before.
I've been drinking less coffee than before.
I've been noticing small children a lot than before.

Jess sounds like a pedophile.

That day I was lining up waiting for one of those 'Weighing Counter' in a hypermarket. Those queues are ones that I hate most besides queues at the post office or queues I face every morning in front of the parking ticket machine in SS15.


It is bad enough that every parking machine is so far away in HOT HOT HOT Malaysia! Not only that! It's ALWAYS prone to break downs. Then we have to walk EVEN FURTHER! And if that's not enough, the queue can be so long that I'd even have time to walk to another machine EVEN EVEN FURTHER away and come back. And if THAT is not enough, there will ALWAYS be A PILE OF STINKIN' GARBAGE beside your friggin' machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to my original story.

As I was in the weighing queue in the hypermarket, there was this kid in front of me with his mother. This kid, about 5 years old, is super adorable and he was constantly trying to impress another 1 or 2 years younger kid girl in front of him by running back and forth. Out of a sudden he hid behind his mother from the girl. The girl couldn't find him and was calling "Shaun, shaun, shaun".

What happened?
The boy was picking his nose.

I wonder at what age do we realize it's kinda gross to pick our nose in public or scratch our ass or wear shave our head bald.

After the boy finished picking, he didn't actually roll it and flick it like other gross adults do, he left it on his finger and call his mother, "Mummy! Mummy! Look at this!". The mother who was already irritated by his running around then screamed out loud "OH MY GOD SHAUN WHAT IS THIS??!!" Then whack his ass.

There's no moral to this story so don't look for it.

Jess is so bored lar...
Shall update when she finds some inspiration....

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Jess Is Still On Her Raya Break

Get your lazy butt off the couch JessicaLokeLingXin!

The last time I overindulge was on the excuse that I was sick and my brain needed all the rest it can get in order to heal the body so I sat in front of the television and watched the entire Desperate Housewives Marathon on Starworld.

Don't you hate those marathons?
Those that actually make you fatter not fitter.

It's like you tell yourself, "Okay Jessica, this is the last episode, after this you better get off the couch and do your assignments!" And then! 'This last episode' always end in a cliffhanger! Then you say, "If I don't watch the next episode then all the episode before I watched will be wasted!" And then you sit there for another few hours until you take dinner then feel so sleepy after that and go to bed.

Jessica Loke.
Not only did you not complete your assignments,
you also gained another 5pounds.


My new favorite show besides Donald Trump is "Oprah's Big Give"! You guys ought to catch it every Saturday night 8pm on Hallmark.

And then right after the show at 9pm they usually broadcast a really heartwarming movie.

"Oprah's Big Give" is about Oprah giving away all her money. It's a reality TV Show starting with 12 contestants loaded with Oprah's cash running around the United States giving back to the community (whom some refer to Oprah as a religion)

30 Rock -

Tracy Jordan : So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz Lemon : Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Every week the show will highlight some social problems faced by Americans and then Oprah's money coming to the rescue. I guess I really enjoy watching it not only because it reminds me how much I have but also it reminds me of the goodness in people; that humanity isn't all evil and greed.

Many scenes from the show has touched me personally, especially this scene when an impoverished African American lady was told she can have a full cart of groceries for free. She immediately came to tears and threw her hands in the air yelling "This is a miracle! Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah!"

This coming Saturday it will be the finale, I think. Do watch it! And then at 9pm there will be a new Hallmark movie. It will end at 11pm but fear not because you count on E! for entertainment any time of the day; continue having your eyes glued to the television! And television addicts will one day rule the world!

Disclaimer :
Jess is not accounted for any side effects that may occur upon watching too much television. Sekian, terima kasih.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

When Jess Grow Up

She is gonna shave her legs,
slap on some baby oil,

and be a Pussycat Doll.

The Loke family has a great new addition!
Meet my niece!


Okaylah I may have googled that picture because I didn't upload any pictures of her into my computer but Annabelle is adorable like that.

It feels so amazing when you hold a baby so tiny, knowing that someday she's gonna grow up and become a real person. I was really, really, really careful holding her because once I had this nightmare of holding my toddler cousin brother and I accidentally dropped him and he fell onto the floor and literally broke in half, his head like just detached and rolled off somewhere and I couldn't find it!

That is why I would bully all my cousins except for THAT one. I was afraid if I touched him his head would just drop off like that.

It's raining a lot lately.
I like it because I get a free car-wash.

I'm sad because I didn't get to see Shiny (ya that retard one) yesterday because I forgot to turn on my phone (not a really good excuse).

Shiny this is like the longest time we are apart! I haven't seen you in.....................I don't even know how long anymore!?!?! I don't think I remember how your ugly face annoys me anymore and I can't go on life like that.


"I'm ugly and a little retarded"

I feel much better now.

And after not talking to my friends for weeks/months,
this is the first thing they say to me -


Uni people thinks college people are very different from them.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Disturbing Profile Pictures

It feels funny nobody is calling me Loke anymore...
It feels even funnier when people are calling me Jessica...
It feels funniest when people are calling me "Lick Hung girl with the 'A' face"

First impressions are so deceiving right?

Today JessLoke will provide you a short lesson on selecting your profile pictures (what not to select) for friendster, muka buku or msn or sky-pee.

There are a few kinds of profile pictures.

The most common kind are 'cam-whoring' ones.

"The story of 3 camwhores"

"Hi I'm Shiny please be my friend"

These pictures can be identified with -
1. An outstretched arm
2. An angle taken where subject is considered slim and sexy

Most of the time the camwhoring pictures don't really turn out to be what they really want instead it turns out kinda creepy/disturbing and more "whore" than "cam"

Dear Lord I pray that You please don't let the girl in the picture find this blog.

The second kind of profile pictures are webcam taken ones.

"Sorry about the bad lighting but please do divert your attention to my hair"

You know for sure they are taken using the webcam because often there are many familiar furniture in the background or a white wall paired with very unflattering lighting.

The subject will also try to give his or her best smile yet fail anyway and produce a very weird disturbing profile picture as shown above.

Some other more common ones are -
"I Am In A Dressing Room Wearing Expensive Clothes Which I'm Not Gonna Buy"

"Marc & Amanda"

Okaylah, I gotta admit some of them looks hot because or else they wont post it on the internet also right.

Jess is trying to earn some good karma points after all those meanie comments..

Besides that, many profile pictures are trying to prove a point -
"I Need To Show You ____________"

"I Need To Show You I Can Drive"

"I Need To Show You I'm Kinda Gay"

"I Need To Show You This Is How I Look Like When I'm Drunk But You Still Gotta Take A Number Before Getting To Know Me"

Okay I shall continue another edition of this post after you guys mail me more "Disturbing Profile Pictures"
Thanks guys for your contribution on facebook/friendster/myspace.

Disclaimer :
Any pictures that look like any of you guys are purely coincidental/fictional and have no means to tease/taunt/LOL to hurt your feelings.

Sebagai kesimpulan, kita mesti berganding bahu untuk mengepong (??? what's the word for curb) phenomena ini sebelum ia berleluasa dan menjangkiti generasi yang akan datang supaya masa depan kita lebih cerah dan errr..........Malaysia Boleh!