Thursday, December 31, 2009

31st Dec 2009

Today morning, I woke up and looked out of the window -





Well okay, not true, Sophie woke me up, and the window is usually not the first thing people would look at when they wake up right? It's facebook. But isn't that how it is for all those Christmassy movies? People go like, ahhhhhhhh it's so beautiful. But the first words I utter this morning is - holy crap - as I look how heavily it's snowing outside.

Oh dear Lord I'm so sorry.
I've been going on and on about how we'll be counting down at Times Square this year after watching it every year on CNN since I was younger. But after experiencing -17 degree celsius with 35mph wind which blows right through your soul, I have doubts. And it's SNOWING today! Not regular snowing, heavy downpour SNOW! In order to get a good view, you have to stand there from 2pm onwards! It is 10 hours standing in the snow! With a gazillion more people crowded around you, filling up to 10 blocks. All for the 10, 9, 8, 7, 6............... Happy new year! Then, some random stranger hugs you.
I layered on 5 layers, as usual, then went out to play in the snow. And it was beautiful. So beautiful. It amazes me how GOD created something so beautiful like that, but of course, He is GOD! He who is wonderfully creative and ultimately different from all mankind. I laughed and frolic in the snow, becoming a kid again.
So 2009 is coming to an end.
Time for some reflection.
It has ended beautifully for me; all glory and praise goes to You and You only.

Gotta go out now for Dim Sum buffet! YAY! Who says got no Dim Sum here?!

Monday, December 28, 2009

A Brand New Chapter

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

It has been my childhood dreams to study in the states, I've longed and imagined myself buried under stacks of reference academic materials, writing papers and having intellectual exchange with professors. I've pictured myself in New York (Friends), Hollywood (SClub7), Seattle (Grey's).

But now that I'm really there, I'm still trying to picture myself there. I just can't believe I'm actually there already. (Maybe it's because I'm still traveling in New York with 5 other Malaysians) It just hadn't hit me that I'm already in this foreign land that me, a tiny, short Asian girl, who has gotta survive (and prayerfully thrive) in this land of giants.

I've been here for barely 24hours, yet enough adventures to last for a week. I thank GOD for awesome friends who picked me up from the airport to carry 40kg of my luggages, made sure I'm warm with sufficient winter wear, and cooked a typical Asian dinner with soup! And then also for getting ourselves lost on Harlem streets 3 in the morning, stranded in the rain at 1 degree Celsius lugging heavy luggages, walking approximately 30 blocks in total, setting off the fire alarm at 6am from baking and unclogging the toilet at 10am using instructions from google.

It was pretty eventful for a first day!

Not exactly suffering from jet lag but I fell asleep today in the subway and ter-hantuk my head on some stranger's shoulder. He was sitting next to me listening to some really loud spanish tunes. He turned, looked at me and smiled. For one thing, I think I look really young because at the immigration checkpoint the officer looked at me and asked, "You traveling alone? Where are your parents?"


By the way, thanks so much guys for sending me off. Thanks for all the gifts, cards, pictures, calls, hugs, wishes and prayers. Seriously, thanks so much. Each and everyone of you have a special place in my heart and mean so very much to me. You guys filled the pages of my life with so many colors. I didn't cry at the airport but I did tear up in the plane especially after few of you guys called me. I'll definitely miss you people but I understand how we each have to move on with our own lives. You people have my bestest wishes in your own pursuits and if you are in need of some love, I'm always available. With the beautiful memories you guys gifted to me, I'll start this brand new chapter of my life.

GOD grace is always sufficient. I didn't worry a single bit during my 26 hours flight alone, or freaked out when my flight was delayed for hours. I know, and I know, and I know that I'm safe with Him; that Jesus is taking care of me all the way. Father, I give thanks to the uplifting strangers you sent to help me, for a really comfortable flight, for really awesome friends and for my parents who paid for all my expenses. I surrender everything into your hands - my plans, hopes, and dreams. They are yours and I shall always follow you.

My last look of Malaysia was the MAS hanger at KLIA. hahahaha

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Oh Man... Thanks Nad...

Hooked on you..........hooked on you.............

I cried after reading your card.
Yalah, it doesn't seem like a birthday card!

Thanks so much for the photo and the book, both which I wanted to get for myself!

Thanks so much for being a true friend; one of the few friends I keep in Inti (I notice how often I use this line).

Thanks for layan-ing all my antics in class - my (awesome) singing, babbling, lame jokes and sudden dance moves. No thanks for licking my face! hahahaha

Thanks for listening when I talk about Jesus; for coming to my church conference! *gasp!* It's absolutely a pleasure to be able to share GOD with you.

Thanks for keeping me company through Philosophy class; your smile and greeting early in the morning always cheered up my day :D Your presence and random hilarious comments in class kept me from feeling alone and excited about Philosophy! hehe

Thanks for all the snacks in class; for letting me help peel your hard-boiled eggs for breakfast (how come this doesn't sound right). Gosh, I'll never forget how you always bring a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife to class.

Thanks for all the cendol trips that helped cast away the stress given by John Locke and David Hume's philosophy.

Thanks for always making the first move to call me up or to invite me out =) I really appreciate the amusing memories we share. If it wasn't for you, I guess we might not have been friends at all.

Your card speak such nice things of me, and gosh, I really don't feel that I deserve it. GOD deserves all the glory and praise for He is the one who wills and acts His goodness through me. I'm simply living for Him and keeping His will; though falling short at times but constantly striving. In the process, I have awesome friends like you whom He placed in my life to help me out. Believe it or not Nad, you have helped me out so much through the last couple of months.

I don't know why but I can't imagine a day when I go to college and don't get to be greeted by your smiling face anymore. I'll think of you when someone keeps me waiting at the toilet or when I see shoe prints on the toilet seat. hahahaha Your expressions are always so amusing; and your company has always been enjoyable, so much fun, really. Can't stop laughing especially with the addition of Hafizah and Farina.

Maybe I'll welcome you to UNL in August, maybe not, but wherever you choose to be, note that I'll always send my bestest wishes for you. And ya, I love you too dearest Naddy =)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm Gonna Miss The Good Times We Shared =C


In Art class, when you did my color exercise while talking about 'the world'.

In Public Speaking class, when we teamed up and conquered 'the world' (and also Ms. Kalai).

In History class, when we share the same answers for the reading assignment,
yet I still got higher marks hehehe also when 'she' ignored the times you raise your hands.

In Macroecons class, when we baked carrot cakes instead of completing our assignments.

In Microecons class, when I didn't have any friends, you came to all of my classes until I found someone I could talk to.


HONG KENG CHIEN!

Gosh. I can't believe this morning is gonna be the last time we talk and do dumb stuff for a long, long, long time. WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SWITZERLAND??? I'm gonna emo you for not sending me off when you told me you were gonna since August when Alexis left. I demand that you fly to Nebraska first before going to your college next August!!!

You have been a great friend to me; I really mean that. I do appreciate and note all those times you did things for me even without me asking. You are one of those awesome friends that took in others' interests no matter what you do. Looking back at how much you helped me in those classes we shared, I don't think I could have gotten into the President's or Dean's list without your help.


Hafizah once whispered to me, "Jessica, you know what is the secret to succeeding in school? It's having friends." Immediately, it's you who came to mind. I didn't get to tell you because Hafizah told me that while I was frantically coloring my artwork minutes before its due with Mr. Bad breathing down my neck!


Eric Lee Chan Yu was pretty right when he noted how different we are. You're an action-packed, always on the go Advertising major while I'm a contemplative, philosophical Psychology major. Perhaps its the complementary nature of our friendship that makes things comfortable and easy.

And your freaknomics is still in my car! I meant to pass it to you but forgot. You see, it's like that with us. Times with you are too comfortable; even this morning seemed casual. We had breakfast, played stack em' and talked like we're gonna have another semester in Inti. The feeling only sunk in when you hugged me before you left in a hurry =C I nearly cried but the waiter was staring.

My dearest KC Hong, I'm gonna miss you. You are one of the first few friends I have in Inti. The new semester is going to be different without you around asking me whether I paid my parking; I'm gonna be using a bicycle in UNL. Nobody is going nag me about not eating anymore (maybe Alexis lah). Enjoy your Europe tour and all the best in everything you choose to do. It remains my daily prayer that you will be still enough to feel GOD's presence; He loves you and has always been looking out for you like you have been for everybody else.


Alright I guess that's it for now (before I start crying), remember to take tons of pictures and post them up facebook! Emmanuel :)

Thank you, Amos :D

This is for yourself too! hehe


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Shiny, Shiny, Shiny


Shiny just realized that I am leaving next week.
Like NEXT WEEK.
She is crying now as we speak on MSN.





I'M STILL IN MALAYSIA LOH!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Wa-

ayyyyyyyyyyy to New York City.
I'm gonna spend half of Christmas night in KLIA.
Perhaps I'll catch a glimpse of Santa while looking out the window.

It frightens me to be able to say, "I'm leaving next week."
It frightens me to hear people say, "Oh no, I won't be able to do this and that with you already."
It frightens me to think how many more times will I be cooking maggie mee for my brother when he comes to bug me in my room at 1am.

Well of course I know there is Skype, MSN, Facebook, but I also know fairly well things will never be the same.

I won't have to wake up 6am to drive Betty to school anymore.
I won't be alerted by Mr. Eric's loud knock on Betty's window at 730am.
I wont' be able to sit in the CAE and hear Auntie Dino's loud guffaw.
I won't be watching Nad peel her hard-boiled eggs for breakfast in class or prepare her peanut butter sandwich while listening to the lecture.
I won't be able to go for yamchar sessions with my form 6 kakis.
I won't be able to spontaneously call dummy Amy out for breakfast.
I won't be having white coffee at Kheng's on Saturday mornings with Mummy Loke and Jo.
I won't be able to get nescafe tarik for RM1.60

The list is endless!

I'm terrified of leaving yet GOD never fails to reassure me everything is going to be alright,
when I get homesick late at night
when I miss having bak kut teh
when I'm awoken by a nightmare of feeling alone

I know that I'm still physically here but one part of me is already leaving; it is trying to save me from the pain of leaving in KLIA. But the other part of me is trying to stay, no matter how painful it may be, because though it is more difficult, it is the right thing to do.

Father Lord, enable me to still be a blessing to the people around me while I'm still around. Help me let Your unfailing love and grace flow through me and reach out to them. Help me talk, laugh and fellowship by Your spirit. Do not let me get too tied up being anxious or busy with preparations for this transition. Help me serve Your people here in Malaysia. Let me draw strength from You for You are ever faithful. Reassure me that I'm not alone because I'm taking this journey with You.

And help me let go when it is time for me to leave.

Convert 21 years of my life into 46kilograms?

Sunday, December 06, 2009

I Need Thee Every Hour

I believe there is indeed something amazing above us :)

Happy Birthday MojoJojo!

You're 19! How come after so many years you're still only 19??

Although I haven't got you anything in the past few years, you know I love you can already right? hehehe The gift shall come when I come back from the States in 2011. teeheehee
Have fun and keep growing, I hope your POW plan is working. Let's make supper later (:
I think your POW plan is working on me instead. But its okay, obese is the normal weight in America. hehehehe I hope you fai kou jiong tai and xue ye jing bu (canto + mandarin; the canggih Cina). Get better grades maybe can escape working for Telekom for 8 years. Be good, email me always and remember to read your bible everyday. May the Lord smile upon you everyday of your life and may His joy finds a place in your heart (:

Thursday, December 03, 2009

A Thank You Note

To express how much you're appreciated and loved (:

Amelia Chan Jiat Hee.Hee.Hee.

Thank you for waking up at 6am today morning.
Just to accompany me for my visa interview.

Thank you for not panicking (unlike me) upon founding out that SMART tunnel is closed due to the heavy rain when it's the only way I know how to use to get to the American Embassy.

Thank you for diligently looking out for road signs and landmarks while we were stuck in a jam on some 'we don't know what highway' when I was panicking from running late.

Thank you for being so random to admire Diplomats' residence while we were lost hunting for parking lots when I was PANICKING from being 20minutes late for the interview; the fact that you were so RELAXED helped.

Thank you for running with me all the way to the embassy; in those shoes, through mud and rain.

Then, thank you for waiting outside the embassy for more than an hour with no reading materials (you dumb dumb didn't wanna take the book I offer you) and no handphone (you dumbdumbdumb left it in my car). On top of that, having to stand with an umbrella because the benches outside are dripping with rain water. Omigosh, THANK YOU.

Thank you for sitting in the car patiently while I enjoy my adventures of driving around KL city center with no idea where I'm heading to whatsoever. Just love watching the people, the buildings and the wonderful little things that make us so Malaysian - little stalls by the road, old worn out buildings next to modern skyscrapers.

Thank you for being awesome company when I was adamant of exploring all four corners of Petaling Street, on foot, under the awesome Malaysian sun! I'm so gonna miss this heat! Gonna miss that old machi lady, the soya bean, the place we run pass every single week rushing for tuition. Not gonna miss the KTM though!

Thank you for forcing me to drive to the clinic, no matter how reluctant I was, to get my jab. Then, thank you for sitting beside in the clinic attempting to make me feel less nervous. And thank you for NOT videoing it!

Thank you for carrying everything and also pushing the trolley - when I proclaim that I shall not use my left arm for the rest of the day due to the jab - while stationary shopping in Mydin.


Thank you for directions from 20,000 over kilometers away.
Thank you for all the shopping for my stuff and helping me so much with this transition to my new school.
Thank you for being the awesome person you are as usual (:



Thank You for leading the way when I'm absolutely clueless where to go.
Thank You for easing my anxiety and assuring me it's going to be okay.
Thank You for people like Chan Jiat Hee and See Tho Wai Kuan; their friendship testifies Your love in my life.

I'm undeserving yet You poured such Grace upon my life.
Life is awesome in You (: for You are the giver of truth, eternal life.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Well The Funny Thing Is...


I was standing on lower ground! Really!


Both letters from Binghamton and Cornell came on the following two days after I made my decision to go to UNL.
Binghamton acceptance package is the weirdest thing I've ever received.
And I stopped reading Cornell's letter after the words "I regret..."
It was signed personally by the director of undergraduate admission - Jason and well...well....guess what's his last name - LOCKE!

I bet my Father is still laughing now looking at my -.- expression =D
And, oh well, I might as well laugh along (:

Look like heart-shape kah?

What is addiction?
You know you're addicted when you're staying up to 4.30am for IT.
You know you're addicted when although you had only 5hours of sleep since 4.30am, your first thought upon being abruptly awoken is about IT.
You know you're addicted when you're leaving messages about IT in people's blog's chatbox (please refer to specimen A on the sidebar - Jo)

Hehe. Brother ladies.........

I spent the last weekend with my siblings. We hardly got together since Ben left for Singapore in 2007 and Jo for Malacca in the same year. We were stuck to spend quality time with each other when on holiday in Perak with no internet access; but lucky us, our wonderful parents blessed us each with a laptop, so we play Warcraft Tower Defense for 2 days straight - in the hotel room, while traveling home on the highway, then back in my bedroom until 4am.

We are fighting monsters!

Of course, we occasionally (once a day - requirement by Mummy Loke) stopped for a breather and stepped out of the hotel room to walk around at the beach. We built sandcastles/pyramid/round lumps of sand, pushed each other on the swing til the person falls off, had running competitions (which all of us fail to complete) and went jelly fish hunting.

I are caveman.

But during the last day on the beach, while enjoying the sea breeze sitting on some big rocks, Jo dropped our hotel card key. And we proceed to scream and stare as the card slides down between those big rocks into the sea. Next, we only had one thought in mind - "Who's gonna tell Mummy Loke???"

A scene I won't see for some time.

Fortunately, Mummy Loke was in a good mood from observing the Loke kids frolicking on the beach. hehehehe Or else, Jo would now be suffering from beach-rocks-hotel-cardkey-phobia.

I watched Mulan today with my other half of 15 years - Shiny girl! Choice was between Mulan or Phobia 2. Observing the fact that Shiny was grabbing onto my hand (and me grabbing the stranger beside me) when Mulan's friend got murdered brutally, I'm pretty glad we didn't choose to do something 'special' by watching Phobia. hehehe

Mulan was funny! It's not a comedy, but it's so funny! I don't mean it in a bad way, the movie is not bad, really. Although I complained about falling asleep when the actors start speaking too fast in Mandarin (having to read the subtitles fast is not fun), I laughed, laughed, laughed through so many scenes! Perhaps it's because of Shiny lah, we always share the random-est comments. Remember Vantage Point and Hairspray?

*Mulan's dad talking to her while preparing to enlist in the army*

Mulan's dad:
If one day you observed that there is one extra star in the sky, then you'll know that I've gone to meet your deceased mother.

Shiny:
If there is one star less leh, means what?

hahahahaha
I think we were the only sakais laughing in the cinema lah...

Sometimes the lines can be predictable but the storyline is really interesting and there are somethings that they said that pressed on my heart. I don't remember the exact lines but it's something like that -

General:
Once we put on the battle suit, we don't belong to ourselves anymore but the will of the nation, to fight and persevere regardless of our own opinions or desires.

Instantly, my mind went to GOD; that once we clothe ourselves with Jesus Christ, we don't belong to ourselves anymore but the will of our GOD. Day after day, I constantly remind myself that it is not about me, it is about Him and His great plan of salvation. We are the soldiers of Christ and the fact is - It is all about others. We are servants of His Kingdom; and a servant is without a personal agenda. On this worldly battleground, we need to pray to do the will of our Father every single day; to be sensitive to His whispers and gentle nudges.

I've finally bought my flight tickets; I'll be leaving on the 26th of December 1230am. It's basically like Cinderella, attending some Christmas ball then when the clock strikes 12 gotta run to the airport dropping her contacts while running (because we don't use glass slippers). If you ask if I'm excited or afraid to leave, I'll tell you I'm afraid of clicking the 'confirm booking' button itself. I get really emo sometimes late at night but talking to Him helps a great deal. I've come to truly believe that with GOD inside of me, I'm gonna be alright.

So every night before going to sleep I empty myself before Christ of my thoughts, desires, convictions and thanksgiving for the day. And every morning I wake up rebuking all worldly worries and nagging burdens, and take on Christ - His Will, His Love, His Grace. He's on my mind constantly as I go through my day.

Is this addiction?

Ask me personally and I'll tell you (:

Friday, November 27, 2009

Precious Moments

I came home close to 1am.
I didn't get to check the mail today.

But there is a letter for me on the study table.

It's a tiny envelope.
With Cornell's logo on it.

It's a rejection letter.

But it's okay because I have a God who's bigger than Cornell :)

I found one of my favorite children books. On the first page, I wrote with my very best handwriting - To: Jessica From: Fat Chet Date: May 1, 1997 :)

Ya, I like using smiley faces since I was 9 :)
And referred to Papa Loke as Fat Chet because he bought me a book during Labor Day 1997.

Reading it now, I realize there is so many lessons I missed as a kid. It's a simple book with size 16 font but it still teaches me new things now as I go through it. Just like how everyday God reveals new ideas and thoughts to His people through the Bible.

One of my favorite poems in the book -

A Shepherd Song

What does a shepherd feed his lamb?
Good green grass or gooseberry jam?

What does a shepherd tell his sheep?
"Stay up all night" or"Go to sleep"?

What does a shepherd like to say?
"Find it yourself," or "I'll show you the way"?

What does a shepherd like to do?
He likes to whisper, "I love you."


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Decision, Decision, Decision

I've finally decided.


The past few days have been very physically and emotionally taxing. I guess it felt like I was back in college with a fixed (tight) schedule because I was running back and forth between attending church and attending to my family. I was so tired I overslept for two mornings and missed the service I was suppose to serve in. Gosh. I felt SO guilty. On top of that, I didn't know that my dad is coming back for the weekend and I forgotten about my dad's birthday. I would think that his birthday is on the 23rd of November but my mum would tell me its on the 22nd; it happens every year. So to make things worse, that night I was suppose to be attending the final service with friends I invited earlier. So.very.guilty.

Sometimes when we say "Father, I'm going to give my life to you, I'm going to surrender everything into your hands", we tend to forget sometimes that everything includes our worries, fears, sins, and guilt. We get overly righteous that we start thinking we can handle those by ourselves and God just needs to sit there receiving all the glory and praise for the good works done through us. Well, it's not like that. He loves us like a Father does His children and He wants to take away our shame, worries, fears, sins and everything else unpleasing to Him. And we need to learn to give it up; including the pride of thinking we can master everything in our lives without His help.

I had long, long, longggggggg chats with my dad about religions, my major, careers, universities plans and departure plans to the states and even longerrrrrrrrrr ones with my Dad. I never had so many questions in my life I couldn't answer tugging at my heart; and they were demanding answers urgently because time is running out.

The only reason I haven't broke down is because of Him.
His faithfulness and unfailing love.
Like Siew Ling said, "if not for clinging on Him, I've fallen FLAT on my face."

Last night while praying on this again, I was reminded of Pastor Victor's prophecy during the 'Why Love' camp back in August - ".....you'll have lots of questions about your universities, your finances, so many questions. But God wants you to know, He has prepared everything for you. It has all been planned out for you. All you need to do, is just walk into His plans. He's asking you to TRUST in Him. Trust."

So last night, I told God, "I'm walking into Your plans right now."

So people, you may stop asking me where am I going to. I've decided, I'm going to University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Nope, my other letters have yet to arrive (State University New York Binghamton emailed that I'm accepted but no offer letter yet), but when they do (FINALLY) arrive in my mailbox later, I will not change my mind. I've set my heart on going to UNL and I won't change my mind! (Yes, I'm gonna keep telling myself this)

Sigh.
GOD please help.
Grant me willingness and obedience to follow Your will.

Help me face things I'm not ready to.
Help me draw strength and courage from You.
Help me discern what is right and true.

I need Your grace.
I desperately need Your grace.

Today, I finally had some free time after settling my visa application materials. I played with an 8-year-old for hours and wondered how come children never do get tired. They are not stronger compared to grown-ups biological speaking but have all the will-power in the world. They know less than us adults yet their faith is stronger than any knowledgeable smarty pants. Is that why Jesus said the Kingdom of God belongs to children?

I've always felt that children are such fragile beings. One small move could break them. Once broken, things wouldn't be the same again. Hence, I see that every thing done to a child carries great significance whether we know it or not. As children grow old, they learn more; they become broken repeatedly, they become jaded - they become adults. I think that is why we are called by Jesus to be born again in Spirit. We need to unlearn everything taught to us by the world while we were in flesh; we need to be reborn in order to see the world with fresh eyes.

I felt lighter after playing with the kid; I felt like walking to my favorite coffeehouse enjoying my own company. The kid told me I've been magnifying the wrong things; need to be born again, Jessica. Need to magnify the LORD.

Yup, I'm going to UNL.
God is always having the last laugh.
I bet He's laughing right now! :D
And I hope to be laughing along with Him if I receive my letters the day after my visa is done!

My God is so humorous.
Oh how awesome is my God :P

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Rejoice!

For our God died for us on the cross,
obtained victory over sins and was resurrected!
For our sins have been atoned for!
For we pray to an amazing God.

Worship!
Sing His praises and bring Him glory.
Not only in times of happiness, but

In times of uncertainty, SING!
In times of discouragement, SING!
In times of sorrows, SING!

Unspeakable joy!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Help me Bless Your Heart

As You have blessed mine.


Whenever I start to complain,
this picture never fail to bring me back into focus.


People:
Hey Jess! When are you leaving?

Me:
Next month I guess.

People:
Oh. Which university are you leaving to?

Me:
Err...... Don't know.

People:
And.........you're leaving next month?

Me:
Errr..... I guess.......

Waiting...

I get these questions on the average about two times daily. The thing about trusting God is, you really, really, REALLY gotta put your whole trust in Him. You have to face that uncertainty -not only questions from yourself but crazy load of questions from others; you have to face certain discouragements - "Wah! Until now also haven't apply visa, want die ah?!?!" And most definitely, after a period of waiting, when the right time comes, you have to make that first move in times of uncertainty, the first move that will be the deciding factor. It has to be a leap of faith, because there is no land before you.


Jesus: *walking on water*
Come, walk towards me.

Could be me:
Errr Jesus, this is water You know. H20. The daya apungan (I studied Physics SPM in Malay) is not strong enough to lift a human body one You know. Some more I've put on some weight lately, will jatuh inside one!


Of course, this is not how it goes in the Bible and you might even laugh because of how absurd it sounds. But that is how many of us are today - we think we know better than God. Ridiculous eh?

After praying and waiting for months now, I had an epiphany today. It said something like, "Hey gurrrrrrrrrrrl, you have already received 54783 signs, how many more do you want? Make your move already!"


What is this?! #12345


What is this?! #54321


So...
Jessica,
what is it gonna be?


In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling out to one another:

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal on his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Isaiah 6: 1-8

I cried when I first heard this few months ago.
It still grips my heart every time I hear it now.
Will I go for Jesus Christ, the one who died for me on the cross?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I'm Gonna Be F.U.N.


credits: nataliedee

*happy voice*
F is for friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me.
N is for anywhere and anytime at all! Down here in the big blue sea!

*angry voice*
F is for the fire which burns down the whole town!
U is for uranium! Bomb!
N is for no survivors!

*goofy? voice*
F is for frolic through all the flowers
U is for ukulele
N is for nose picking, chewing gum, and sand licking. Here with my best buddy!

I kinda feel like I haven't been having fun for a long time.
Like fun, like laughing, like nose picking silly fun.
Instead, I've been burying myself under loads of work.

Last semester, I only have time to think when being stuck in jams or bathing (yes, I do bath!) But now, I have all the time in the world to think. And.....I'm not feeling too good. Free association is happening way too often; I might even be turning schizophrenic. Many thoughts which I've tried to suppress (or repress, Freud help me out here) are beating crazily at the door. And I just wanna retreat under my bed like a scared little girl; I wanna regress, go back being the goofy me before all this drama (yes, Freud, you win with your defense mechanism).

Me:
I must have faith. I must have faith. I must trust You, Father. I'm going to walk on water towards Jesus like Peter. I won't be like Peter, when the wind blows and waves come in thick folds, I won't be scared! I will have faith Lord! I will certainly reach You!

God:
Jessica?

Me:
Yeah?

God:
Have you even stepped out of the boat yet?


All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've lead me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

"I am Your maidservant, may it be done as You have said."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I Asked For Wonder

"It is not said: Ye shall be full of awe for I am holy, but: "Ye shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy" (Leviticus 19:2)."

Wow. Do you see it?
How great, how great is our God.

"We live by the conviction that acts of goodness reflect the hidden light of His holiness. His light is above our minds but not beyond our will. It is within our power to mirror His unending love in deeds of kindness, like brooks that hold the sky."

Spiritual Anthology of Abraham Joshua Heschel

To know that a sinner and commoner like me can be as Holy, Holy, Holy as He is, is beyond my comprehension definitely. But, it is not beyond my will. And I shall will for it with all my heart, mind and soul until the day I finally get to meet my Creator.

Pieces falling from me
You can have them for free
Never felt so complete
Pieces falling from me

I asked God for His wonder.

He answered.

We stayed in the Palm Garden Lodge which has, in my opinion, one of the friendliest people in Cambodia! It's a guesthouse so it doesn't have the formality and hostility of a big hotel, you get to meet travelers from all over the world who you can easily talk to. The people of the guesthouse are bunch of good people who will always greet, talk and listen to you even with their limited English vocabulary. Plus, it's cheap! - rooms for $7usd onwards. The place is small, quiet and clean; provides free flow of coffee and tea all day long plus free breakfast daily. I felt as if I died and went to heaven!

The small cafe I spent my mornings reading with coffee. Mornings start early because the sun is up pretty early compared to Malaysian time. By 6am, the whole place is bright. In Malaysia we gotta wait til' 7 because according to Ben we follow West Malaysia's time zone.

The place is surrounded with so much green. I'm missing my mornings there already.

Er. Yeah. I took these pictures off some traveling site. Heee.....

We visited many places in Cambodia; but the best, the best has to be the Angkor Archaeological Park. The place is just so incredibly surreal, totally unbelievable. Didn't have my own camera because the brother dropped it into the South China Sea, but hope you enjoy these pictures taken from the internet! You have to see these places yourself, the pictures aren't doing them justice. (AirAsia giving away free tickets 11th Nov! Go check it out!)

This is Bayon. One of the (many) temples in the park, also one of my favorites. Every prasat (tower) has four faces, each carved on four sides of the tower. There are 54 prasat in the temple which totals to 216 faces.


A closer look. It's quite difficult to imagine these are all carved out of stones by hands at a time of incredibly limited technology. Standing in the midst of these 216 faces, I felt consumed by the place.


This is one of the 12 steps up to the 3rd level in the Angkor Wat temple. Back in time, the 3rd level is only accessible by Kings and High Priests. These stairs are STEEP, seriously. The steps are high and really tiny! One slip and its 65metres down. I really wonder how the King climb up these things.

This is one of the gates (south) entering into Angkor Thom which was the capital city to the Khmer empire.

Now, this is really weird! This temple is called Ta Prohm. It had it glory days where it was the treasuries to store treasures given to temples in the surrounding villages. Now the whole temple is slowly being consumed by trees with its structure being held together by the tree roots.

Weird eh? There is not only two of these but MANY.
It is as if the whole temple is being eaten up by the tree roots.


Angkor Wat is the biggest religious monument in the world; while God's temple in Jerusalem has been destroyed twice and is now no more. I asked God why? And I learn that we don't need it anymore because we have Jesus. The veil has been torn from top to bottom when Jesus died on the cross so we can have immediate access to God, to His holy presence. Now, the Holy Spirit dwells in each of us. Indeed, how bless are we.

Above all, I felt such a strong need for God in Cambodia. Millions of tourists visit the country every year but most of the nation's people are living on less than $1 per day. Children as young as 6 or 7 will be selling postcards or souvenirs at tourist sites wearing no shoes or slippers. Many don't have opportunities to formal education, even if they do, they cram classrooms filled with rubbish and limited number of desks. People there live simple lives with little or no education but remain such genial, good people (well, at least all those I've met are). They live holding hopes for a better future; and I pray that our Lord God be their hopes and Jesus to be their future. Hopefully and prayerfully, my next trip to Cambodia could be on mission trip.


A 'Petrol Station'. $1 for 1 litre of gasoline.


Throughout this trip, I'm constantly reminded that my life is not mine but God's. That I'm living on His time; I'm on God's timing. Time that is too precious to even let one minute slip away being idle, to stray from His will.

Living is not a private affair of the individual.
Living is what man does with God's time,
what man does with God's world.

Again and again, I'm humbled by His revelation. I learn that I really am not as strong as I think I am, but He is strong. I am not as smart as I think I am, but He is ever wise and intelligent. I am not as good as I think I am, but He is always good and only good. And I'm called to be like Him; one day, all my weaknesses will be made into strengths by His power.

I just need to will it.

I'm learning to be willing. To put up my sail even when His breathe is not blowing in the direction I want to go. My Father always knows best. So I'm gonna let Him steer me into uncertainty, for when Christ is in the vessel, I can smile at the storm =D

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Time Off

A much needed one.

Reflection.
Rejuvenation.
Reevaluation.

Music, books, coffee and God.
Life is feeling goooooooooood =)

His beauty is inexplicable.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Friends By Default

Fear God, and you'll have nothing else to fear.

I discovered cheap gelato in Taipan! Patisfrance - the bakery beside Maybank and across Starbucks. 4 scoops for only RM9.60 and it tastes good too!

I haven't laughed so much since the past few months until Monday night's dinner with Daniel, Nad, Hafi, and KC. They reminded me the good company of friends and the endless silly laugh
ter that comes with it.

My year in Inti passes me by so quickly, before I know it, I've been friends with Nad, Hafi and KC for a year now. Though I didn't bother making friends then, they put in effort to ask me out for lunches and events countless times to which I 'politely' decline. Only after Hafi complaint (countless times) that we never have lunch together after 6months being friends that I caved in. Only after KC pointed out that the number of friends I have in Inti can be counted with one hand (with one finger to spare) that I realize I really am a social hermit.

Well, of course lah...
She didn't count my Psych text and History text, I consider them my best friends!

I used to recognize Hafi and KC as 'friends by default' - Hafi is my friend because we share at least one Psych class every semester and similar point of views on education and assignments. KC is my friend because we are both high achievers (that's what Lee Chan Yu says because he cant understand how a Psych major and an Advertising major can be friends, one is *supposedly* quiet-observant and the other is action-power packed). But now I recognize them as 'friends who stuck around' even when our conversations revolves only around classes, lecturers, university choices, and assignments.

And I'm ever grateful =)

Our only group photo and its without Daniel (the konon birthday boy)...
hahahahaha
Credits: Daniel

Now here is another one of Nad's quotes -

Nad: (giving directions)
When you see Shell take a left turn, then take a right turn, you will see a building that is...err...in the process of....err......building. Go straight, then you'll see the shop. It has a big green fish, you cant miss it, it's a big fish.

Have a great holiday people!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness!

Right after our Philosophy paper 31st October 10.30am -

Nad: I'm finally feeling what everybody else felt!

Did you know?
The US constitution of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness is actually written based on Locke's philosophy of government, though his actual social philosophy is life, liberty, estate (the right to own property). Thus, people say the US government is actually a big social experiment for Locke's philosophy.

But Locke's philosophy did not come out for exam...after those hours...

But that's okay because I'm HAPPY. For once, I feel so free! I feel so LIBERATED. My mind is empty! No more university applications, no more deadlines, no more tutoring, no more meetings, nothing! For once, my pockets are not filled with receipts recycled as to-do lists. For once, my car's backseat is not filled with notes, books, documents and random snacks.

I was so happy after the exam that I couldn't stop laughing while driving home.
I laughed and sang out loud to songs I've never heard of on the radio, I just couldn't stop laughing and singing.

Me:
Once upon a time,
JESSICA LOKE FINISHED HER FINALS AND IS ONLY WAITING TO LEAVE FOR THE STATES!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
ENJOY YOUR FINALS!

Shiny:
You talk some more I take knife and stab you.

I haven't felt this happy for a long time. But I know well, it is only happiness. It is fleeting. Fleeting like most people's desire to do this and that during the holidays, but the desire fades away on the second day of the holiday itself. So amidst the singing and laughing, I prayed to God to grant me His joy. I only remembered this prayer now actually, it only goes to show how forgetful we humans are yet God is ever faithful because He never forgets.

I was running late this morning to church, and praise and worship has already started. So, I rushed to parked my car, ran all the way to the hall. Heart racing, mind running. But, as I stepped into the hall, at first sight, I was awestruck. My heart stopped, my mind cleared. I just stood there, basked in the wonderful presence of God. "How beautiful is our God, how very beautiful and awe-some He is", I kept thinking.

Joy overwhelms me to the point tears filled my eyes.
I can only smile, lift up my hands high and worship Him.
This is joy.
Joy because His love resides in me.

Father, I thank You for I pray to an amazing God.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Hello Everyone!

I'm Jo, Jess' sister. She is staying awake studying Philosophy. She is wise now. Her room smells weird............ Ok bb.

Friday, October 30, 2009

O' Lord You Are Merciful

I just discovered...
Locke's empirical argument is not coming out in the subjective part.

THEN JESSICA WHY OH WHY DID YOU SPENT 5 HOURS ON THAT?!?! (including nap time)

See Jessica? Sometimes you gotta check first.
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

Bye Locke. We are not related.

10am, Thursday, 20th Oct -

Qisti: Yay! I've finished my exams!

Me: I haven't even started mine yet. Don't celebrate now or I'll kick your ass.


After my Microeconomics paper, I couldn't help ranting about it in the CAE.

Nad: It's okaylah Jessica, it's over already. Let's go get cendol.

Daniel:
Eh, no! Later she scold the cendol fella! - *in a somewhat Indian accent* The elasticity of your pulut is wrong!


Sigh. I actually find that funny.
Such a lame and nerdy joke.

Okays, though I don't need to see Locke anymore about Philosophy of Knowledge, I still need to see him now for Social Philosophy.

Hi again Locke =D I think you me are related.....again...

Dear Father, I pray that You will keep my sanity (and memory) intact.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hi Locke. Why Are You In My Philosophy Textbook?

One day, during class, I told Nad -

Me:
I secretly think that John Locke is one of my ancestors. So is Loke Yew. Locke probably married an Asian who has bad spelling and lost the C somewhere down the family line. Then, one of them probably had Loke Yew then ta-dah! Me!

Nad:
Er. Jess, have you gone crazy studying Philo?

But Jo told me Loke Yew's actual name is Wong Loke Yew so there goes my famous ancestors.

But Locke, if you really are my ancestor, there must be some genes you passed down to me to understand your philosophy!

First our Senses, conversant about particular sensible objects, do convey into the mind several distinct perception of things, according to those various ways wherein those objects do affect them......zzzzzzzzzzzzz *falls asleep and drools on Philosophy textbook*

Oh well...
I guess not....

Me:
After 2 months, I decided that I actually like studying philosophy *smiles*

Mr. Eric:
You mean you like studying the dumbed down version of introduction to philosophy? *bigger smile*

Yeah, so my Philosophy lecturer isn't the nurturing kind that showers us with praises and approval. Instead, he 'lavishes' us with sarcasm and Monty Python videos, and inserts such statements into our notes -

"Few philosphers in history have been so unreadable and dry as Immanuel Kant. Yet few have had a more devastating impact on human thought. Kant's devoted servant, Lumppe, is said to have faithfully read each thing his master published, but when Kant published his most important work, "The Critique of Pure Reason," Lumppe began but did not finish it because, he said, if he were to finish it, it would have to be in a mental hospital."

So this is the first statement I read before I attempt to conquer Kant's philosophy. Thanks Mr. Eric, you're the best! *big wide smile*

But really, I'm grateful to have enrolled in this class. One of the classes I learn most from and thoroughly enjoy. So fellow AUP-ians, if you're interested, do enroll in PHI101 with Mr. Eric Lee Chan Yu! (also because Philosophy is gonna be wayyyyyy tougher in the states, 50% failure rate?)
Only because I don't post enough pictures in my blog...
hahahaha
Credits: KC

Monday, October 26, 2009

Transition - Contemplation - Take Action!

I just realized I haven't been laughing for a long time.
I'm not depressed really.
I just hadn't found something to laugh out loud about, for quite some time now.
Perhaps I'm just smiling on the inside.

Yesterday I just realize the irony of Bathsheba's name.
King David first saw her while she was taking a bath.

Well, that's kinda funny....heeeeeeeee

Jess you have lost it.

I've been asking dear Daddy lately which university should I go to. And the other day while meditating on this (while bathing, I think all the time these days), I pictured this -

Me:
*eyes close, praying so fervently* Dear Heavenly Father, tell me oh tell me, which university should I go to?

- a sign saying X university is shown -

Me:
*opens eyes to see, then closes them again* Dear Heavenly Father, tell me oh tell me, which university should I go to?

- a sign still saying X university is shown -

Me:
*opens eyes, gets frustrated* Hey Man, are you going to let me know or not?! I'm going to give you one last chance. *closes eyes* Dear God, please tell me where should I be.

- silence -

Me: I emo with You now. *EMO*


*shakes head*
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.

Well, I certainly hope I haven't been so ignorant and disobedient; but I know how often I tend to act this way. Our gracious Father has been ever so patient with me. When I think about it again, Sophie's words ring in my head -

Soph: Sometimes He gives us the freedom to choose.

Hmmm....
More thorough research of the schools I applied to needs to be done.

On a brighter note, finals are here. YAY!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Awakening

Yesterday afternoon, I received the news that my uncle has passed away. He has been suffering from lung cancer for a while but was looking forward to recovery when I visited him not long ago. His death is a shock for me. While my family rushed back to tend to his funeral, I sit in Inti attending my last few days of classes and completing my applications with a heavy heart. I am tired Father; I just want You now.

Today, I was hit hard.

Hit by an overwhelming desire to seek Your face, hit by an urgent need to humble myself and hit so incredibly hard by the reality I live in. I can't hide from You, Father. I broke down, I wept in front of You; though how much I try to hold back my tears, I couldn't.
I cried because I don't know where my uncle is right now. I don't know if he's with You, Father. I don't know if I'll be seeing him ever again. I cried because I'm just so afraid the same is going to happen to my family, and my friends. Are they going to choose You, Father? Will You please, please, please open their eyes to see, ears to hear and hearts to receive You O'Lord? Will You please move in us so powerfully that we will never be able to deny You?

I cried because I'm afraid the same would happen for me. I don't know Father what would I say if someone puts a knife to my throat and ask whether I believe in You. I'm afraid to lose You but I know I might just as well turn my back on You. Please strengthen my faith my dear Father. Reading Peter's story almost 2000 years later, I find it so convenient to just scoff at how Peter denied Jesus 3 times. I used to read and think I would never, ever, ever do such a thing to You, I would never deny You. I used to think I'm so much better than Peter; but the fact is, I was (and perhaps still am) only a Judas, Father.

At the beginning of this semester, I said I will follow You, Father, You be the pilot of my life. As I take on all the responsibilities I encounter, You revealed to me, "I am the Lord, Your God, who takes hold of Your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41: 13. At first I was only taking small steps, but with Your strength, I started doing little hops, then before I know it, I was running, Father. I was running for You Father! I ran, and I ran, and I ran.

I was so happy with myself! I couldn't wait to tell you how awesome I'm doing and asked if You are proud of me. But when I looked beside me, You are not there anymore. I looked behind, nope. So I squinted my eyes and looked harder, and there I see You, far behind waving at me. You were calling at me to go back, telling me I've gotten way ahead of myself, that I'm at the danger of getting lost. And I gotta admit, I was reluctant to walk back to You, Father; I thought You should come to me instead!

Forgive me, Father?
Help me learn to be a willing and obedient child of Yours.
Help me humble myself to learn.
Help me keep the best for You always.

As I end this chapter in Inti College tomorrow, grant me willingness to obey where You plant me next, Father. I might be enchanted by Cornell, Colgate or Wheaton; but show me Your way and Your will, Father, and I will follow You. You are all I want because there is none greater than You.

You're breaking......
You're breaking......into my heart.

And I'm......letting You.

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us.

The thief by Brooke Fraser


Thank you guys sincerely for praying for my uncle. Please continue to pray for me and my family; for Him to be our comfort and guide; also that God will grant me His wisdom and courage and use me to reach out to my family especially during such a time. Additionally, I've also finally completed all my universities applications. Please pray that God will direct me to the right doors. Thank you sincerely =)

Monday, October 19, 2009

My Final Week In College


Me
: Nad, I'm getting cold feet about leaving now.

Nad: Then rub them together until they warm back up. *laughs*


I'm learning to deal with the pain of responsibilities.
I'm learning to face harsh truths in my life.
And I'm learning to lay my complete trust in our Lord Jesus Christ.

For Seafieldians, remember Andy Gan Hsien Loong? Yup, the golfer. Let's take 10minutes off our busy-ness to read this and keep him in prayer =)


I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is is the way
that I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

"Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot

Dear Ce Ce Blue,

aka MoJo the witch from Salem
aka MojoJojo from PPG
aka Wolverine

I love you for cleaning the toilet.

although you made it dirty in the first place.
although you forgot to properly scrub the toilet bowl and replace a new tube of toothpaste.
although I paid you 2 ringgit to do it.

I still love you Ce Ce Blue! =D

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Hallelujah~ We Want To Lift You Higher~

Paul Baloche - A Greater Song

This week I've learn that true joy in a person can only come from God =)

Just one more week of classes, another for finals, and everything will be over. This semester has gone by faster than I've expected. You know how they say you don't really miss something until its gone, why are we humans like that? Hmmm.... I wonder how does Psychology explain this phenomenon.

I'm anxious. Jumpy.
The end of October is here.

I need to REALLY complete my applications once and for all.
This weekend.

Jessica oh Jessica......Why why why why do you always wait til' the deadline. I think its a sickness. Maybe procrastination will be labeled as a disorder someday in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder).

Okay enough of nerd talk. Currently, I'm in the midst of compiling a list of things I have to do while I'm still in Malaysia and another list for what I have to do in the states. So, help me out please? hehe

Here's an illustration why we should never lie -

1. Coming home from work, a woman stopped at the corner deli to buy a chicken for supper. The butcher reached into a barrel, grabbed the last chicken he had, flung it on the scales behind the counter, and told the woman its weight. She thought for a moment. "I really need a bit more chicken than that," she said."Do you have any larger ones?" Without a word, the butcher put the chicken back into the barrel, groped around as though finding another, pulled the same chicken out, and placed it on the scales. "This chicken weighs one pound more," he announced. The woman pondered her options and then said, "Okay. I'll take them both."

Taken from: homehttp://www.blountweb.com/churches/eastside/bestpolicy.html

Happy Deepavali Malaysians!
And Happy Diwali for the rest of the world!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Here's to My Twin - Alexis =D

God be with you.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage." Psalm 84:5

Jo did this after she called Alexis today and felt she sounded "very, very, very sad and tired".



Composed and written by MoJo, sung and destroyed by her sister. (at least I contributed!)

And Jo complains when I asked her to edit my university application essays!

Jo! (willingness)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Jess Doesn't Really Like Driving Now

I think I've spent 5% of my time in the past few months stuck in traffic.
It's not a very happy feeling especially when you're driving Betty - she's a manual.
Today it took me 3 hours to go to Kepong and come back to Subang.

I'm really sad.


When I finally got home 4 hours later after picking up Jo from the KTM -

Jo: Oh man... I'm so tired. Can't even get up from the car seat.

Me: Er. You're still wearing the seatbelt.


I'm really sad because my sister is so 'smart'.
It could be genetical.... T.T

Nowadays, I'm usually in school from 7am until (at least) 7pm. There was one day when I have nothing left to do at 4pm, and I felt weird going home so early.

It has already been a year since I first enrolled in Inti College. I used to just go to classes or wait before my classes start at Starbucks. The only times I stepped into Inti would be for classes or to sit in my corner in the library. Inti felt so foreign, like one of those weird relatives who visit you once in a blue moon. They try being friendly and nice to you, but there is still that 'distanced' feeling you know.

In my mind I thought, "I'll only be here for 1 year, satu tahun sahaja!, then I'll have enough credits to transfer to my dream school". All I need to do is studyworkpray to achieve my 4.04.04.0. So of course I didn't bother making many friends or joining clubs or anything that will 'attach' me to Inti.

(so here comes the expected and corny part of this post)

I finally joined Inti Christian Fellowship last semester, with an extra push from both Alexis and Auntie Dino; subsequently got involved in the committee this semester. Then, finally got our weekly bible study running consistently. I find myself tutoring 3 person this semester (I think I'll definitely score A+ if I have to take PSY105 again because I have to go through the text at least 3 times). I stay back just to talk to lecturers, most of the time I get more questions in return than answers but I still learn more than I ever could just listening in class. I finally got to know all the academic advisors in the CAE; initially my intention was only to have them help me with my applications, but now I just love to sit there and learn from their lives. Being able to step into the CAE each morning and be greeted with smiling faces makes the rest of your day much sweeter.

God rebuked me good and let me know how important it is to engage where He planted me in. His vision for me wasn't to hide away for one year until it's time to transfer; that was my way. We always wish to see our ways as best and all else secondary. I guess many times it is not only choosing our own will over His, but forgetting His ways exist altogether.

At last, I feel settled; Inti feels like home.
Yet, it's my last semester and I'm leaving for the states soon.
Life is ironic eh?

I have been preparing to leave since 2007. Back then, I felt ever so ready to conquer the world, to realize my dreams as a child to study in the states. In retrospect I know very well I was not ready, and if I were to leave back then I can't imagine who would I've become now. Lord, I thank you so much for keeping me here, I understand why now.

Right now, I don't feel like leaving anymore =(
I finally feel settled in Inti and I have to start all over in the states?
Foreign places, foreign faces?
-20 degree Celsius when I arrive in January?
Should I stay until next August?

ahhhhhhhhhhh..............................

*inhale exhale*

Father, I leave all my questions to you, because I know for real now that You always know best. My trust is in You, my Truth can only be found in You. I surrender everything into Your hands Father Lord; not 70%, not 90% or even 99.9% Father, I give you 100% of myself. No matter how painful or tiring it may be Lord, I give you my all, change and transform me completely. Forever and ever Father, let me stand as a witness of Your mercy and grace.

This is my cry,
my one desire,
more of You,
more of You.