Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Jess Emo Listening to Emo Rock

Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard but if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

One Tree Hill

If you're not the luckiest person on this entire planet, well, it's okay as well, you got Jessica Loke as company. Consolation lor okay?

I have always enjoy being alone. Doing my own things, reading my own books, listening to my own music. Having company was never a priority, I never did envy those with a lot of friends, because they didn't seem too happy to me anyways. I saw myself happy in so many ways. I discovered joy in little things I stumble upon, on my own, being alone came natural.

Up to the age of 19, I have yet to learn the meaning of being a true friend, a confidant and a pillar of support. I always thought to myself, "Is having a friend that great? How come I never felt that I have even one true friend? Do I even need one?" I'd believe I would make an awesome friend, just that nobody has discovered that fact yet, I haven't truly learn the saying 'To have a friend, you must first be a friend.' I ignore almost all of my text messages, loathe picking up calls thinking how long will I have to speak to the other person, and really didn't like having to dress up, drive out to meet people. Thus, I continue to compensate the lack of company with music, books, and coffee.

I constantly bury myself in school work or extra curricular activities. I go to school wearing a smile, which was genuine. I laughed out loud and pleasure myself in every achievement I make along the way. Yet, I have not found the joy in company until all those roles I play were stripped away from me.

December 2007 was when I finally finish my STPM studies. We all knew there was a LONG............holiday ahead of us because our universities applications results wouldn't be out until June. And I started hanging out with this bunch of crazy, weird, hilarious people because it was such a long holiday! I was so prepared to leave for the states in August 2008 upon handing in my applications in January 2008. So very prepared to leave Malaysia. "There was nothing I'd miss here" I would think to myself.

Meanwhile, having the mentality that I was leaving soon, I decided I should at least maximize the time here with all my friends and family. Answer all my messages, go out 'yam char' every time possible, pick up that phone call no matter how I don't want to, because I will most probably enjoy it at the end.

Turns out, ya, I did enjoy all of it. And most of all, I found those bonds missing all these while in my life. Bonds that give a sense of trust, support and love. Bonds that keep you warm with affections and let you know you'll be missed. Bonds with these people that can make you laugh so hard, you cry and continue to laugh some more until the ah pek sitting beside in the ktm laugh along. More importantly, bonds that open your heart up, encouraging and welcoming more people to gather in this space you once thought limited only for certain things and certain people.

And then,
I am no longer ready to leave.
I feel afraid of leaving.

I thought I was leaving August 2008, yet, my application rejection turned out to be one of the biggest blessing in my life thus far. I know now that I wasn't ready to go, that God kept me here for a vision bigger than mine. And then, I thought I was leaving August 2009. Yet, God has even BIGGER plans for me.

Now I'm in between plan of leaving in January 2010 or August 2010, this time I'm VERY sure it is time for me to go. There is NO August 2011 (Jess entering Uni at 23, graduating at 25). And guys, I MUST go or I can't graduate. (I'm seriously not joking about leaving this time!!!)

So dear Lord, I lay my plans in your hands.
May I always chase after a vision that is Yours,
because I know, Your way is always higher than mine.

And thanks a lot for this crazy, weird, hilarious bunch of people -

You all taught me more in a year than I've learn in any books.

Joanne Boanne Mojo the Salem Witch
BenG my brothor ladaeeeeee
Shiny my sunshiny piggy
Tracey the frizzy who is always happy
Woody my loyal-est buddy
AmeliaChanJiatHee my 'ah ma' the hee.hee.
MingSze 'I've never met a girl nicer and sweeter than her'
Dharshini the hardworking, lovely, adorable hottie
Lovely Pig Cousin Carol who laughs at anything
Loi the (pretty and 7.5cm) forehead
Benbi the babi sister who is secretly nice (secretly a man)
Philip the stick who secretly likes Shiny my pig
LiSan the funny yet serious yet funny one
HsinSian whose courage and boldness I always admired

So even if you're not the luckiest person in the whole wide world, even if the person you love doesn't love you back and even if the consolation of JessLoke's company doesn't suffice, there will always be a bunch of crazy, kooky, weird bunch of people waiting to provide you with all the laughs, tears and stomachache in the world, all in the name of love. If you can't find yours, COME I ADOPT YOU. heh heh heh


Anonymous said...

"...until the ah pek sitting beside in the ktm laugh along."

I think I'm very like u in some ways. I tend to think company isn't necessary, but once i've had a taste of it, i need more.

Simply Jess said...

=) we are the same!
now i appreciate people around me more than ever.