Monday, June 08, 2009

Jess Renewed

Let me type one more emo post.
Last one already, nothing left to emo already! =)
PigCousinCarol I promise the next post will be happy-ing and funny til' you roll on the floor, vibrate, and laugh like a sakai.

I'm happy my piggish cousin is happy now.
I'm happy Shiny's birthday is coming.
I'm happy being incredibly busy, even if I'm only sleeping 4 hours a day, I choose to be happy.
I'm happy loving, living and laughing.

When I was upset,
someone told me,
"the greatest things in life happen when you least expect it"

And I know what you mean now.

Today in church I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, like never before. The voice inside keep saying "Don't get tired Jessica, don't get tired, keep going, you got to breakthrough, you need to breakthrough and you will breakthrough to God!" My heart was crying out loud, yet, I know there is something inside of me stuck, unwilling to move.

I have always found ways to justify my actions, my behaviors. No matter right nor wrong. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

I have been missing church. Missing cell group meetings. Missing from ministry. It is not that I have backslided *here comes justification* I just find it so difficult - Jo is back, mum wants to have sunday mornings together, dad wants to have breakfast, Jo is back again, oh no another test tomorrow, another assignment due tomorrow, Ben is back this time. It became easier and easier to not go.

Today while thinking about my praise report, I thought of thanking God for my academic results, for never leaving me even when I casually dismiss Him, for His continued presence, for a great, life-changing, service today. Then, when I opened my mouth to speak, the words came out different.

I know the fact that I was in church today was because I promise to be there no matter what. It didn't matter that I haven't bath in more than 24hours (again), didn't matter I haven't complete my assignments, didn't matter I only had 2 hours of sleep, overslept and was running late. And I made this promise because I was touched by a friend I recently met. I tell you, this person is ON FIRE for God. Whenever we talk the topic of God will definitely come up and I would feel so blessed after each conversation. I can literally feel guided step by step back towards Him. It was as if I was buried underneath an inch many inches of dust and each conversation was polishing me, making me new again. I can sense that this person was a blessing from God, an urgent/instant messenger from God - because I've only started knowing her for 5 days now - telling me to get rid of my selfish justifications and excuses, telling me that I desperately need to change my ways.

When I'm done, I realize my spirit spoke on behalf of me.
All sense of pretense, my mountain of excuses, they were all gone.
And once again, it is only me and Him.

Thank you to 'this person', you know who you are.

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