Today, I was hit hard.
Hit by an overwhelming desire to seek Your face, hit by an urgent need to humble myself and hit so incredibly hard by the reality I live in. I can't hide from You, Father. I broke down, I wept in front of You; though how much I try to hold back my tears, I couldn't.
I cried because I don't know where my uncle is right now. I don't know if he's with You, Father. I don't know if I'll be seeing him ever again. I cried because I'm just so afraid the same is going to happen to my family, and my friends. Are they going to choose You, Father? Will You please, please, please open their eyes to see, ears to hear and hearts to receive You O'Lord? Will You please move in us so powerfully that we will never be able to deny You?
I cried because I'm afraid the same would happen for me. I don't know Father what would I say if someone puts a knife to my throat and ask whether I believe in You. I'm afraid to lose You but I know I might just as well turn my back on You. Please strengthen my faith my dear Father. Reading Peter's story almost 2000 years later, I find it so convenient to just scoff at how Peter denied Jesus 3 times. I used to read and think I would never, ever, ever do such a thing to You, I would never deny You. I used to think I'm so much better than Peter; but the fact is, I was (and perhaps still am) only a Judas, Father.
At the beginning of this semester, I said I will follow You, Father, You be the pilot of my life. As I take on all the responsibilities I encounter, You revealed to me, "I am the Lord, Your God, who takes hold of Your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41: 13. At first I was only taking small steps, but with Your strength, I started doing little hops, then before I know it, I was running, Father. I was running for You Father! I ran, and I ran, and I ran.
I was so happy with myself! I couldn't wait to tell you how awesome I'm doing and asked if You are proud of me. But when I looked beside me, You are not there anymore. I looked behind, nope. So I squinted my eyes and looked harder, and there I see You, far behind waving at me. You were calling at me to go back, telling me I've gotten way ahead of myself, that I'm at the danger of getting lost. And I gotta admit, I was reluctant to walk back to You, Father; I thought You should come to me instead!
Forgive me, Father?
Help me learn to be a willing and obedient child of Yours.
Help me humble myself to learn.
Help me keep the best for You always.
As I end this chapter in Inti College tomorrow, grant me willingness to obey where You plant me next, Father. I might be enchanted by Cornell, Colgate or Wheaton; but show me Your way and Your will, Father, and I will follow You. You are all I want because there is none greater than You.
You're breaking......into my heart.
And I'm......letting You.
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us.
The thief by Brooke Fraser
Thank you guys sincerely for praying for my uncle. Please continue to pray for me and my family; for Him to be our comfort and guide; also that God will grant me His wisdom and courage and use me to reach out to my family especially during such a time. Additionally, I've also finally completed all my universities applications. Please pray that God will direct me to the right doors. Thank you sincerely =)