Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Decision, Decision, Decision

I've finally decided.


The past few days have been very physically and emotionally taxing. I guess it felt like I was back in college with a fixed (tight) schedule because I was running back and forth between attending church and attending to my family. I was so tired I overslept for two mornings and missed the service I was suppose to serve in. Gosh. I felt SO guilty. On top of that, I didn't know that my dad is coming back for the weekend and I forgotten about my dad's birthday. I would think that his birthday is on the 23rd of November but my mum would tell me its on the 22nd; it happens every year. So to make things worse, that night I was suppose to be attending the final service with friends I invited earlier. So.very.guilty.

Sometimes when we say "Father, I'm going to give my life to you, I'm going to surrender everything into your hands", we tend to forget sometimes that everything includes our worries, fears, sins, and guilt. We get overly righteous that we start thinking we can handle those by ourselves and God just needs to sit there receiving all the glory and praise for the good works done through us. Well, it's not like that. He loves us like a Father does His children and He wants to take away our shame, worries, fears, sins and everything else unpleasing to Him. And we need to learn to give it up; including the pride of thinking we can master everything in our lives without His help.

I had long, long, longggggggg chats with my dad about religions, my major, careers, universities plans and departure plans to the states and even longerrrrrrrrrr ones with my Dad. I never had so many questions in my life I couldn't answer tugging at my heart; and they were demanding answers urgently because time is running out.

The only reason I haven't broke down is because of Him.
His faithfulness and unfailing love.
Like Siew Ling said, "if not for clinging on Him, I've fallen FLAT on my face."

Last night while praying on this again, I was reminded of Pastor Victor's prophecy during the 'Why Love' camp back in August - ".....you'll have lots of questions about your universities, your finances, so many questions. But God wants you to know, He has prepared everything for you. It has all been planned out for you. All you need to do, is just walk into His plans. He's asking you to TRUST in Him. Trust."

So last night, I told God, "I'm walking into Your plans right now."

So people, you may stop asking me where am I going to. I've decided, I'm going to University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Nope, my other letters have yet to arrive (State University New York Binghamton emailed that I'm accepted but no offer letter yet), but when they do (FINALLY) arrive in my mailbox later, I will not change my mind. I've set my heart on going to UNL and I won't change my mind! (Yes, I'm gonna keep telling myself this)

Sigh.
GOD please help.
Grant me willingness and obedience to follow Your will.

Help me face things I'm not ready to.
Help me draw strength and courage from You.
Help me discern what is right and true.

I need Your grace.
I desperately need Your grace.

Today, I finally had some free time after settling my visa application materials. I played with an 8-year-old for hours and wondered how come children never do get tired. They are not stronger compared to grown-ups biological speaking but have all the will-power in the world. They know less than us adults yet their faith is stronger than any knowledgeable smarty pants. Is that why Jesus said the Kingdom of God belongs to children?

I've always felt that children are such fragile beings. One small move could break them. Once broken, things wouldn't be the same again. Hence, I see that every thing done to a child carries great significance whether we know it or not. As children grow old, they learn more; they become broken repeatedly, they become jaded - they become adults. I think that is why we are called by Jesus to be born again in Spirit. We need to unlearn everything taught to us by the world while we were in flesh; we need to be reborn in order to see the world with fresh eyes.

I felt lighter after playing with the kid; I felt like walking to my favorite coffeehouse enjoying my own company. The kid told me I've been magnifying the wrong things; need to be born again, Jessica. Need to magnify the LORD.

Yup, I'm going to UNL.
God is always having the last laugh.
I bet He's laughing right now! :D
And I hope to be laughing along with Him if I receive my letters the day after my visa is done!

My God is so humorous.
Oh how awesome is my God :P

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