Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Broken

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still breathing

I have been wanting to post but kept putting it off because something else always comes up or that I'm too tired to. This is one thing I've noticed about American culture, or the typical life of an American student, the word busy is synonymous with it. You won't have time for anything unless you make time for it - you have to write it down in your schedule, set a mental reminder and make a commitment to fulfill it. I have been constantly busy with school and people - living in a dorm is like living with 30 siblings. It can be really fun but there will be times when you just want to avoid bumping into anyone.

It has only been barely 3 months since I left Malaysia, but my life back in Malaysia has already felt like a completely different life. So distant, almost as if it happened decades ago. Before coming here, I was afraid. But by the grace of God, I fitted in Nebraska perfectly. There was no trial and error, no feeling of loneliness, and no fear at all. And now that I am settled, I am afraid to go back. It might sound silly and I have the slightest clue why I feel this way.

Classes and papers have been some of the things I enjoyed most; workload is triple that of Inti's so I have been living from deadlines to deadlines. On average, I have at least one exam and two assignments due every week. I enjoyed all of them (with a slight exception for Statistics, but I'm learning to make peace with it). This few days the weather is finally in transition for Spring, the snow is melting, I can now see grass, shrubs and not feel like I'm living in a fridge!

Someone else is taking over
and I just wish to be completely broken for You

The people I've met so far are incredibly nice and helpful. I've had tons of free home-cooked dinner and lunches. I've met a guy who took of his (only) t-shirt to give it to me when I was shivering while walking outside; it was kinda scary because I have just met the guy, nonetheless, that is just so sweet of him because it was -5celsius outside! I've had the pleasure of talking to some of the most interesting people and meeting people from around the world who, like me, have came in search of a new self in the great United States of America.

I can't thank God more for what He has done for me; but I keep getting distracted. I feel completely alright but not at the same time. My heart feels completely fine yet broken at the same time; it is crying out for God but not at the same time.

In the pain
there is healing
In Your name
there is meaning

So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to You


Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139: 23-24

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