Sunday, June 12, 2011


begins with the fear of the Lord.
(Proverbs 1:7)

This fear is generally understood as a reverence of God. An understanding that He is Lord of lords and the highest of kings. He is Alpha and Omega; He is beginning and the end. A surrender to His greatness. In other words, knowing that we are unworthy but redeemed by Him out of love. My friend asked me if it's possible to recognize his greatness without realizing we're shit.

We don't see our unworthiness then see the greatness of God. But we come to understand that God is TRULY GREAT; then we know how unworthy we are. How can we call ourselves great when we had a glimpse of what greatness truly is?

We can only learn if we truly humble ourselves to do so. The problem is not with us knowing too much but always the problem with us thinking we know more than enough. I struggle with complacency. It sets in when I lose the perception - "the fear of the Lord". I think too much of myself. I need to reexamine my yardstick, beginning at the fear of the Lord.

I am currently at the crossroad of deciding if I should go to graduate school. (Yes, I can hear Shannon's voice in my head saying "go to grad school" implying it in the tone that it should not be a question) I know I need that Masters or PhD eventually. To teach. I'd love to enter that challenge of graduate school. But I don't know if I am ready for grad school. I have been in school for the past 16 years. I really do see it as my comfort zone. I enjoy sitting in classes a lot. I enjoying being a knowledge consumer; but not sure if I'm cut out to be a producer.

But when I look at God's work in this world,
this idiotic crossroad seem so petty.

Truth is, I have always been scared of making decisions. I rather the choices be made for me. Then, I can rant about it all I want and not own up for obstacles that come my way.

Saturday, June 04, 2011


A few days ago, I met a 15-year-old girl whom I've not seen for a year. The first few words that came out of me was, "You know, the later years will be easier. Now, it's bad. It's terrible. But later, it'll be better." There were no replies, just nods. So I nodded along, and said, "Yup, so you may go back to do your own things now."

I don't think I'm cut out to be a counselor.

When I was 15 or 14 or 16 or 17, I was constantly wondering what sort of person did God made me to be. There must be a purpose for my life, a purpose worth pouring my life into. I thought to myself, only a few more years away and I'll come to know the person I am and my purpose in life. I looked forward to getting older, and older and older.

I'm still looking forward to getting older.

I guess I finally come into terms that I will be constantly discovering who I am in god. This journey will be long and maybe hard but I'll never be alone.

I have been upset about not being where god want me to be. Not doing what I should. But my friend Sophie snapped me out of it. "What's all this 'should be' talk? Our god is immanent. He relates to you now, as who you are, not as how you were before, or his dreams for you to be his daughter that best represents him in your world. He wants you to know everyday of your life that you are not alone. He wants you to be happy, to thrive."

"Don't be too proud to allow our god to lavish his love over you."

Oh Lord, I pray for this reality to illuminate my spirit.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Late Night Babble

Dear me,

I want to be honest.

I don't blog often because I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Between wanting to say much and struggling to keep my feelings secret. It takes me hours to write a post because I constantly backspace lines I've wrote or stare at the blinking insertion point, wondering what is going to come out at the other end.

Knowledge is power. And I have been keep knowledge about myself so well so far. It's my power. Power that I gain from knowing more about you but disclosing less of me. This power isn't real. In fact, I've kept my feelings so secret that I no longer know them anymore.

I read recently (probably from someone's facebook status) that the most difficult time in your time is not when you don't know the people around you but the time when you don't know who you are. And that's me. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I feel. I don't know the different personalities making up who I am. I don't like this self-absorbed person dwelling in her feelings looking for someone to empathize with her. I see other people lost in their self-centered world and I feel sick. I don't want to be that person. I am not her. I am the third-person. I want to be the third-person. I wish I could be separated from myself and tell me what to do and do it. I wish I recognize situations and circumstances like I do when I watch movies about other people. If only I could see my life so clearly, I'd know me better.

I haven't write things down for a long time because I don't want people finding out about me. I want to remain hidden. Unknown. Like a really difficult calculus question that wants you to find the value of "x". I am the "x". I want the equation to be so unsolvable that you will never find out what I am. I yearn to achieve that status. And I don't know why.

Maybe I am prideful. I don't think that anyone deserves the honesty I can give. I don't trust that anyone can be completely honest to anyone at all. But lately I realized that the world is in chaos because people don't reveal the truth to one another. Lies are built on other lies. Unknowns are built on other unknowns. Only the Truth has the power to break those bonds. I experienced the Truth recently through a friend. And this Truth is powerful. It makes the image I have built for myself seem phony and negligible. In comparison, it is negligible. But alone, my troubles seem larger than life. Once again, I escaped to the third-person. I wonder who is this sad person typing this post. This sad person who is searching so hard for someone to understand her yet pushing herself so hard to be unsolvable.

I think about this verse and my head hurts - "Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16

When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is you, GOD?
When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is me, GOD?

I write that you live in me, but I really just see you tagging along with me.

I don't know what else to say. But I hope I've been sufficiently honest.

your neglected self.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


This summer I want to focus on completing my thesis.

This summer I want to finish reading The City of God.

This summer I want to finish reading Catch 22.

This summer I want to finish reading The Black Swan.

This summer I want to learn 5 songs on the guitar.

This summer I still want to do my thesis!

This summer, I want to play computer games too!

This summer, I want to wash my mum's car and mop the floor too!

This summer, I want to do too many things.

This summer, I forgot to ask Jesus what he wants me to do.

This summer, I want to talk to people about Jesus.

This summer, I want to fall in love with Jesus all over again.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Trying Desperately to Focus on Work

When I think about going home, I think about this song -

Have a good day people :) and I mean it. Have a GOOD day. Did something good today yet?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Difficult Times

The AP Mobile alert keep going off in my phone, telling me about the 8.9 magnitude earthquakes and later after quakes, the waves of tsunami, and the multiple explosions happening in nuclear plants in Japan. At times like this, I don't know what to do. How is it that I can help besides giving money to whichever organizations I stumble upon that seem credible enough.

It is difficult to know the right thing to do; or the thing that God wants us to do. Does God really want us to bond together and petition to Him? Or just give $10 to the Red Cross and continue on with our lives. At times like these I am at a lost of God's purpose in midst of suffering.

The only answer that comes back is from Job chapter 38 and 39.
"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?" Job 38:2

Surely I am merely human with cognitive abilities no where near the almighty. God's answer does sound a little like "I can do this because I am God". But I am sure (or hopeful) when we leave this world and see the bigger picture, we might start to understand His plans.

I'm human, doubt is inevitable.

So in finding solace, I go back to prayers.
Hoping that others who are in the midst of suffering will do the same.
Hoping that they will find comfort in knowing that a higher power is still in control of all things.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Post-Malaysian Night Sentiments

Credits: Dan Holtmeyer

I thought to myself, "do I have anything to do tonight..." because for the past month I have been having Malaysian Night rehearsals every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday night. It is difficult to snap back and focus solely on my homework again. Moh Yin is right; we are built as God's people to devote ourselves to a great mission - the Great Commission.

Honestly, I had too much fun putting Malaysian Night together with the team. Every rehearsal is so entertaining; I laughed so hard sometimes that my cheeks ache! It is so amazing to watch all our ideas and hard work come together in a perfect blend; producing something so.... (for the lack of a rich vocabulary) AMAZING! When everything ended, I was simply speechless. I don't understand how everything worked out so perfectly but I know for sure that it wasn't just me. I can only deduce that it was God's work.

Suzie asked me to do a post on Malaysian Night but I really don't know how to. In retrospect, everything seem so lovely and shiny; even for the times when people are muttering curses under their breath. I am not sure how outsiders see it; but for myself I can't see that it could've went any better. Things were perfect as far as I'm concern.

And I'm simply glad to have been part of it :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Dog Days Are Over - Florence and The Machine

Happiness hit her,
like a train on the track.
Coming towards her,
struck still no turning back.

I always thought I was made for the "indie lifestyle" - indie music, indie movies, composting my food waste etc. This is my crude idea of being a "hippie" in the 21st century.
But after actually living in an apartment of a hippie-ish couple, I realized that I am too preppy for this. I can't walk around the apartment without shoes on, I cringe at the sight of dirt and I stare at the composting bucket and wonder what is it doing beside my dinner table.

I like my coffee with milk and sugar.
I don't like it black.
I don't like it too dark.
I like instant coffee.


I once heard Malcolm Gladwell said, "If you ask people what sort of coffee they like, they will tell you, a hearty cup of dark roast. But the fact is, most of us don't like bitter coffee. We only like the idea of a dark brew. We cannot admit that we like a weak, wimpy cup of coffee."

I like the idea of taking a stroll outside in the spring breeze.
I like the idea of frolicking in the snow.
But I rather be inside with my favorite book and a cup of instant coffee.
Wait, that could just be a good idea too.
Maybe just a cup of instant coffee.

I believe when we first meet someone we like, we fall head over heels not only caused by the neuro-chemicals but also our imagination. Our imagination is allowed to roam free of that person. We can fit that person however we like into our imagination - intellectual, adventurous, funny. But as time goes by, and as we get to know the person better, our imagination receives a reality check.

Example A - Joanne Loke's scribbles.

But if you can go past your reality check, you might discover something good that you could never have imagined. Like if you are able to get past the weirdness of the funky hair lady dancing with two avatar like figures, in the video posted above, you will kinda like the song.

I still like indie music.

And Jesus is still the truth, the way and the life.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

=) A Song That Made My Day

It is funny however crummy your day may be, small things can work their way through your psyche and still make you smile. They help you forget your troubles for a little while; and remind you that GOD is still in control. It is all in His plans. Give Him all your troubles.

"Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man"
Francis Cardinal Spellman

Might sound a little hypocritical as first, but you have to cross over that mental barrier if you want to understand what he really means.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Open My Eyes

I guess I am coming into terms that I cannot know everything.
I can try, but still I will be far from having perfect knowledge.

I try and I try.
But without God, it is impossible.

I might not be trying hard enough,
but without God, what is the point of trying?

If I were to amass all these knowledge and just die one day,
what is the point to it?
I will only become bitter and prideful.

So, open my eyes, LORD.
Only you can give me the perfect peace in life.
Open my eyes to see the beauty of your love again.
I will follow your lead.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Isn't it strange to watch another year go by?

In Malaysia, I face more or less the same weather every day. It is always about 26 degree Celsius, some days hotter than the other. And it is always 99% humidity. Here in Lincoln, Nebraska, I am reminded that time is constantly moving because of the seasons change. I arrived in Lincoln January 6th, the place looked like Siberia. Then, the ice started to melt in March. Eventually, I can finally see the green space in front of Selleck. It got hotter and hotter, and soon I could wear my flip flops again. Then in September, the days got cooler. Now back in January, it looks like Siberia again.

As I was walking back from class, warm and protected from the falling snow, I was reminded that it has been a year since I got here. Well, I spent 3 months in Malaysia but still! It is my second year here now. It doesn't feel terribly long when I think of it now but the semesters feel REALLY long. I was walking back to my room yesterday and it felt like I was walking back home. It didn't feel like a room which I am keeping all my stuff for the moment but it felt like my home now.

I haven't been praying or reading the Bible much. I have just been studying it. To intellectually inspect what the writings really mean, so to speak. It is true that a different perspective helps to read things differently. I no longer understand the same words as I used to read it. It is funny how a change of mind can cause a change of heart. And vice versa. There must be somewhere both is connected. But where...