I want to be honest.
I don't blog often because I'm constantly stuck in this loop. Between wanting to say much and struggling to keep my feelings secret. It takes me hours to write a post because I constantly backspace lines I've wrote or stare at the blinking insertion point, wondering what is going to come out at the other end.
Knowledge is power. And I have been keep knowledge about myself so well so far. It's my power. Power that I gain from knowing more about you but disclosing less of me. This power isn't real. In fact, I've kept my feelings so secret that I no longer know them anymore.
I read recently (probably from someone's facebook status) that the most difficult time in your time is not when you don't know the people around you but the time when you don't know who you are. And that's me. I don't know what I am. I don't know what I feel. I don't know the different personalities making up who I am. I don't like this self-absorbed person dwelling in her feelings looking for someone to empathize with her. I see other people lost in their self-centered world and I feel sick. I don't want to be that person. I am not her. I am the third-person. I want to be the third-person. I wish I could be separated from myself and tell me what to do and do it. I wish I recognize situations and circumstances like I do when I watch movies about other people. If only I could see my life so clearly, I'd know me better.
I haven't write things down for a long time because I don't want people finding out about me. I want to remain hidden. Unknown. Like a really difficult calculus question that wants you to find the value of "x". I am the "x". I want the equation to be so unsolvable that you will never find out what I am. I yearn to achieve that status. And I don't know why.
Maybe I am prideful. I don't think that anyone deserves the honesty I can give. I don't trust that anyone can be completely honest to anyone at all. But lately I realized that the world is in chaos because people don't reveal the truth to one another. Lies are built on other lies. Unknowns are built on other unknowns. Only the Truth has the power to break those bonds. I experienced the Truth recently through a friend. And this Truth is powerful. It makes the image I have built for myself seem phony and negligible. In comparison, it is negligible. But alone, my troubles seem larger than life. Once again, I escaped to the third-person. I wonder who is this sad person typing this post. This sad person who is searching so hard for someone to understand her yet pushing herself so hard to be unsolvable.
I think about this verse and my head hurts - "Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16
When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is you, GOD?
When is the day I can completely understand the mystery that is me, GOD?
I write that you live in me, but I really just see you tagging along with me.
I don't know what else to say. But I hope I've been sufficiently honest.
your neglected self.