Sunday, June 12, 2011


begins with the fear of the Lord.
(Proverbs 1:7)

This fear is generally understood as a reverence of God. An understanding that He is Lord of lords and the highest of kings. He is Alpha and Omega; He is beginning and the end. A surrender to His greatness. In other words, knowing that we are unworthy but redeemed by Him out of love. My friend asked me if it's possible to recognize his greatness without realizing we're shit.

We don't see our unworthiness then see the greatness of God. But we come to understand that God is TRULY GREAT; then we know how unworthy we are. How can we call ourselves great when we had a glimpse of what greatness truly is?

We can only learn if we truly humble ourselves to do so. The problem is not with us knowing too much but always the problem with us thinking we know more than enough. I struggle with complacency. It sets in when I lose the perception - "the fear of the Lord". I think too much of myself. I need to reexamine my yardstick, beginning at the fear of the Lord.

I am currently at the crossroad of deciding if I should go to graduate school. (Yes, I can hear Shannon's voice in my head saying "go to grad school" implying it in the tone that it should not be a question) I know I need that Masters or PhD eventually. To teach. I'd love to enter that challenge of graduate school. But I don't know if I am ready for grad school. I have been in school for the past 16 years. I really do see it as my comfort zone. I enjoy sitting in classes a lot. I enjoying being a knowledge consumer; but not sure if I'm cut out to be a producer.

But when I look at God's work in this world,
this idiotic crossroad seem so petty.

Truth is, I have always been scared of making decisions. I rather the choices be made for me. Then, I can rant about it all I want and not own up for obstacles that come my way.

Saturday, June 04, 2011


A few days ago, I met a 15-year-old girl whom I've not seen for a year. The first few words that came out of me was, "You know, the later years will be easier. Now, it's bad. It's terrible. But later, it'll be better." There were no replies, just nods. So I nodded along, and said, "Yup, so you may go back to do your own things now."

I don't think I'm cut out to be a counselor.

When I was 15 or 14 or 16 or 17, I was constantly wondering what sort of person did God made me to be. There must be a purpose for my life, a purpose worth pouring my life into. I thought to myself, only a few more years away and I'll come to know the person I am and my purpose in life. I looked forward to getting older, and older and older.

I'm still looking forward to getting older.

I guess I finally come into terms that I will be constantly discovering who I am in god. This journey will be long and maybe hard but I'll never be alone.

I have been upset about not being where god want me to be. Not doing what I should. But my friend Sophie snapped me out of it. "What's all this 'should be' talk? Our god is immanent. He relates to you now, as who you are, not as how you were before, or his dreams for you to be his daughter that best represents him in your world. He wants you to know everyday of your life that you are not alone. He wants you to be happy, to thrive."

"Don't be too proud to allow our god to lavish his love over you."

Oh Lord, I pray for this reality to illuminate my spirit.